Published August 9, 2010
My verse from a track off my EP.
When we first me I knew it was magic,
A year plus later, baby you still my habit,
But now it's gettin' tragic,
My love is like a bandit,
Stealin' u away from your friends God Damn it,
Baby believe I didn't mean for this
You feel locked away and your friends you miss,
Now you're getting bored what happened to this?
Is it over? I don't want to admit.
'Cuz baby you're the star that I can't loose,
And baby boo, your the one I choose,
And I wanna be the one that you choose too,
That makes you happy when your sad and blue.
But aw man I kinda messed all that up,
Your another victim of my drunken love,
But you're like the star that shine from above,
If I loose her then my star's out of luck.
This is the verse I wrote about my girlfriend while we were having some problems. It makes more sense when you hear the song. 
If by any chance anyone want's to hear it you can check it out at www.myspace.com/koaxe
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Hey, Amnien!
I had to listen to the track to get a feel for the first verse as well, but I must say: I was thrilled to actually hear it. And you put it to music, so that was so awesome! /giddy
I very much enjoy how the song goes. It's interesting how much difficulty I'm getting without the lyrics in front of me; however, the flow seems to work just well. I presume this is the verse you were having trouble with, so you posted it by itself.
However, I actually enjoyed what you had. Your verse two was very awesome. I especially liked how the bolded part worked out:
It would be cool to see more of that come into play. I know you have the whole star thing going though, so maybe just more of that. However, you played with this bandit metaphor so awesomely, I'd like to see that more. Find some synonyms maybe to replace certain words. 'Cause man, I really liked that couplet.
I'm not sure I liked how the song ended. This last line I didn't think fit all that well with the song either since, from what I could tell, luck was never referred to in the entire piece. Now if you tied that in with bandits and possibly gambling, that could get really cool. That's all nitpicky though.
With the music itself, the intro "lykastar" repetition got... repetitious. xD It took almost thirty seconds for the verses to kick in, but there was also nothing interesting during that time to amuse me as the listener. I actually thought it would just be the music without the lyrics and almost turned it off. It'd be nice to hear more variety in the tune.
Otherwise, I think your lyrics sound/read very well. I can tell what the vague story behind this is, and the tone was done well.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Yeah, I know it's a song and the grammar doesn't matter as much, plus you shorten words to fit the rhythm and all, but I'm going to go ahead and point out your mistakes anyway. Before that though, I have to say this was really good, you have a lot of emotion and it all flows well (as a poem, I don't know the song and am too lazy to click on the link and listen to it.) Now, for my nitpicks:
Ok, that's all. I hope I was helpful!
EP stands for: "Extended Play" It is basically a 3-8 track CD.
what?? What is EP?? Hmm... It confuses me but I see a tiny greatness in it. Review and edit. Nice...