Published January 10, 2009
I wrote this when I had a moment of loneliness and depression. Did a little polishing and refining afterwards. This is also my first poem in the noble language of English. Hope you take the time to review it
I don't know why this has happened
I lower my head and my face has saddened
surrounded by people, yet all alone
why am I never truly understood?
For me, life, the wellspring of happiness
is now a burden, a field of loneliness
a torture, an enmity, a must.
So I shroud myself in emptiness,
and I wonder, is the world truly just?
I fall deeper into the blindness
the ever closing darkness
into a menacing ocean of sadness
an endless river of falling tears
I again wander on its shores
what do I suffer these things for?
I walk still alone
and my humanity slowly begins to wane
and I step down into the sea
for I no longer care for things I once craved
for perfection, for fear, for love
and I begin to fall ever deeper...
for what does a man without life care for?
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I really liked it! theres one sentence that really caught my eye:
It was a really dramatic remark yet I'm really familiar with that feeling.this is so the best paragraph! I can only write that good text in finnish. the sentence "a torture, an enmity, a must" I think there should be some word supporting the must, it sounds too short comparing to the rest of the verse=)
i think thats all...maybe
O_o
*Afraid of Angry Amniel*
Well, it could be construed 2 ways...
*flees in terror*
Don't eat me!!! O:
no, I do mean wonder as in wonder. Not wander!
Oh well...
Thanks for the reviews.
Whoa. That was cool.
I'm not a poet so I only comment on grammar and stuff for this forum.
Looks like the mistakes pointed out have already been edited by you.
Do remember to capitalise accordingly.
Like the last line would be nicer if you capitalised the first letter of the first word
The tone of the poem was good. Very...contemplative and sad/emotional.
Makes me wonder just what made you depressed.
But I can sympathise with any feelings of loneliness,
Where no one seems to understand you.
Like Dem, I like the river metaphor,
But it should be 'wander', not wonder
Overall, nice job Otto!
It's not a bad poem.
I feel like you need more energy in it.
That can come from using more metaphors, similies.
Show me the story.
Don't tell it.
Konnichiwa, Otto-kun!
I don't know why this has happened
I lower my head and my face has saddenedThe "saddened" part sounds like you were just desperate for a rhyme
surrounded by people, yet all aloneThis line is pretty cliched/overused
why nobody understands me at all?This is a sentence fragment. Shouldn't it be "Why doesn't anyone understand me at all?
It really got good in the end. I liked it a lot, I just feel like I've read a million other poems like it.
Hope this helped,
~~Sakura~~ (who is not entirely vicious today and will never give you your cookie!)
Your second stanza was quite brilliant. Also, the message of your poem was really clear and the delivery here is great. All in all, it was a really great read. Also, did you say this was your first poem in English? Well if it is then wow.
Good work... and you are not alone, I feel the same... Unles I'm preocupied.
I also feel that there is no meaning to live and so on.
It happens when you think to much., (Oh what would I give if I could be stupid?)
Now the message in the piece is clear. Writen (almost) with out mistakes.
In all good work.
Hi, Amniel. I won't chew this that much, seeing as I already kind of reviewed it.
This still sounds a little awkward, try to smooth it out even more.
I love how you carry on the river metaphor with the shore thing. This was maybe my favourite part.
One of the most important things is to read your poems out loud, because then you'll notice all the sore parts, awkwardnesses etc., and this poem had still a few of them. And as I already said then (and some of the other reviewers), the subject of this poem isn't very unique. All of us have similar moments of depression at times, but the trick is to make it sound like something completely new.
However, this was very good considering it's your first poem in English. I'm proud of you
Näkyillään!
Demeter
xxx
Although your poem is good in both expressional terms and emotional terms I thought the wording could be a bit stronger. With poetry I personally think that the best poems are those with the extreme words. It was a little lukewarm. The trick is to balance it between the two. It was enjoyable to read though.
so let me first state that this was amazing. second that i do not crit. grammar or style only message. I would try to give you an answer as they are a million of them out there but none of them would do any good unless found on there own. That being said i loved the dark and hopeless message you presented in a very graceful way. i would go so far as to call this a very noble poem and it deserves it because of the way it is presented.
Pretty good for a new guy! I thought the best part was the first one! See you at school! Cheers Dude!
This was a pretty good start. To me though it seems like I've heard stuff like this before.
This is the part that I love. I like how you described life.
Really original there.
I liked how you stated to end it and then the final line was pretty good.