z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

The System

by Amnesia


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Layla's POV

"YOU CAN'T JUST TELL SOMEONE WHAT THEY FEEL, ITS NOT OKAY." I screamed at my mother. I took a breath before continuing.

"You just don't get to tell someone how to love or who to love because it's never going to go your way. Fuck the system because the system is broken. I don't care if they think it's perfect because it's not. They can't stop people from falling in love. Who gives a shit if they're gay or Ace, or pan or whatever. The system thinks that because they can pass laws or force people to do what they want, that they're untouchable. But there's rebellions who are actually fighting for our rights. The system will fall and when it does I will be there setting it on fire. Because it is broken and corrupt and I think it needs to die. People need to feel free to do as they please. They're doing it regardless, so why not make it safer for those who are, at the moment, not safe living their lives. Being forced to live the way we are, where people struggle to survive because their rank isn't high enough, or god forbid they don't follow what they say. You can't change people, this isn't a disease they can kill off, this is something that is apart of what they are and the person they are. You're stupid if you think you can change people."

My mother just stared at me, her mouth opening and closing like a fish gasping for air. I scowled at her before grabbing my bag and stomping upstairs to my room, slamming the door and locking it.

I tossed my bag onto the bed where it made a plop sound before heading over to my desk and booting up my computer.

I stared at the pictures hanging on the old cork board above the desk. It was covered in medals and pictures of my friends and I. Notes and letters scattered the surface. Tearing my eyes over to my computer I typed in my password and waited for the home screen to load. Moving some of the papers into neat piles and shoving my pens and pencils into the already overstuffed paper cup by my monitor.

I was online looking up the information I needed, bus routes, trails, cabins, and other things I would be needing before my trip this week. It might be dangerous, with my thoughts and actions, but a lot of things were these days. Anyone suspected of rebellion was executed publicly, which was the reason most of my good friends had been killed, like cattle in a slaughter house.

A loud ding noise came from my speakers, interrupting the music I had put on in the background. I quickly minimized my window and checked the message app. Kiera had texted me out of the blue.

Kiera the Lion: Layla, we have a problem over here. You need to get here ASAP. Plans have been moved up. They've caught on to our plan. Pack your shit and get your ass here now!!!! (and bring snacks and your phone Devin is bringing the drinks) Hurry please.

My heart started racing like I had just ran a marathon. I bolted out of my chair and to my bed where I dumped my bag out. Chapstick and an emergency first aid kit tumbled out. With shaky hands I shoved them back in with my wallet and grabbed my old piggy bank out of its hiding place. I threw it on the ground and grabbed the wad of money and change that scattered on the floor and shoved it in the bag before stuffing all the clothes I could get into it. Grabbing a scarf and jacket I opened my window and climbed down the trellis before bolting into the woods.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been running for what felt like hours when I reached the little abandoned cabin. I slowed my pace to a brisk walk until I reached the door where I bent down and picked up the stone that hid our key. Unlocking the door I went in, locking the door behind me. Keira stood up and ran to me. She wrapped me into a tight hug before letting me go.

"They got Kenneth a few hours ago. Tortured him for about 2 hours." Her eyes filled with tears. She was a mess. Understandable. When they catch you it's over for you. They keep you alive long enough to get information on you before killing you. Judging by the time he messaged me and the time now I knew he was already dead. I pulled her into a hug and stroked her hair.

"Did they get anything out of him?" It was a routine to ask when someone was killed. She nodded.

"How long ago?"

"About an hour"

I nodded and grabbed her hand.

"Devin?"

"2 minutes away"

"Good we need to disappear now, you got the stuff?"

Kiera grabbed the manila folders and a bag.

"Dye and false documents. I grabbed you blonde, it might cover up your hair but will leave it a shade of red"

I shrugged pulling the box out and going to the kitchen to dye my hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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1162 Reviews


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Sun Dec 02, 2018 1:51 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hey Amnesia! Happy review day! About time to get this chapter out of the green room, yeah? :)

The opening monologue where she's screaming at her mother was a little jarring to me. Not that what she was saying wasn't good stuff, but there was just so much all at once. Maybe try breaking her monologue up with a few descriptions like deep breaths or waving arms or bulging eyes or whatever she's doing while she's saying all of this stuff.

And then I found it a little surprising that her mom didn't have anything to say about it and that her mom didn't try going after her when she raced to her room. I get that she needs to get away from mom because plot, but what is mom doing while she's in her room and leaving?

After the scene break I think everything goes too fast. And do you need a scene break? It's such a short chapter (unless there's more before this or after this in the same chapter) that I think you could transition it with prose. How does she get there? What is she thinking on the way? Is it dangerous at all? Is she worried at all about what her mom is going to do? And then when she gets to the cabin it just zooms! You had a lot of nice description and introspection in the first scene. I'd love to see that incorporated into this scene too.

Overall though, I love me some teen fiction and it definitely feels like teen fiction. Even without much context for the plot, I can tell that there's a lot going on and I always appreciate characters who are loyal to their friends :)

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story :D




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26 Reviews


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Tue Oct 16, 2018 6:38 pm
Fantascifi66 wrote a review...



Wow...
Wow.....
WOW!!!!
This was amazing! I really don't know what else to say.
AMAZING!!!!!
It was so intense! You got dragged into the story right away, and get A LOT of questions.
I hope some of them will be answered soon!

There's only one thing ( I'm really picky right now) that maybe you should change
(and maybe not).
"Good we need to disappear now, you got the stuff?"
I feel like you can just skip the "we need to disappear now" part, `cause you get that out of everything that is going on, and then it would be like this:
"Good, you got the stuff?"
And I feel like that would be better.
If you don't wanna change it, at least punctuation mark after "Good".
I don't have any other things I would like to say except
KEEP WRITING!!!!!
I NEED another chapter!!
Your friend,
Fanta




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26 Reviews


Points: 574
Reviews: 26

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