Published April 21, 2008
Much Needed Get away
Take me away , Help Me get out,
Help me escape to your escape rout.
Where you go to break Free,Were
ever you go please take me.
Take me anywhere, anywhere happy ,
don't leave me hear where its
depressing and crappy
Clutter and confusion i just don't know,
Ive lived with it for so long and its starting to show.
To feel this depression for a long period of time,
to turn down happiness like its some sort of crime.
Thats why i need you to understand why i
need to get away.
Not tomorrow but today,
why i need my much needed get away.
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
love the first stanza, a great start! but in the second stanza i agree with nightowl, the word "crappy" sounded kind of odd... like, comedic when it wasn't supposed to. It sounded like you couldn't find the right word to rhyme with "happy" so you just settled with "crappy"!
over all i love the idea of the poem. everyone needs their getaway day, when they just feel so ugh and sick of everything. ESCAPE!
Love you gurl,
Fatima*~
Yes, I agree with niteowl. Always remember the rule: Show, don't tell. It will help you a lot when you are writing, especially with poetry. Also, use spell check before you post your stories, please. Good luck, Amira!
~Jamie
Thanks for the advice!
No chatspeak.
Hi Amira and welcome to YWS! First off, please do four reviews before your next poem/story because we ask that everyone keep at least a 2:1 review/writing ratio.
Secondly, I can't really get into your poem because your wording is vague. I get that you're depressed, but I don't feel it. The attempts at rhyming only make it worse. I laughed when you wrote "crappy" because it sounded funny, which was the exact opposite of what you were trying to portray.
When you rewrite it, forget the rhyme. Instead show us what's going on. What exactly is it you need to get away from? What does this escape route look like? Who are you talking to? How do you try to excape? Do you succeed? Avoid using words like "depression" and "happy": instead, use imagery to show us these emotions and get the reader into it.
Lastly, please use proper spelling/grammar. As the entire poem needs a re-write I won't bother correcting your errors here. This is just for future reference. We take our writing seriously and we like other members to show that they do as well.
Keep writing!