z

Young Writers Society



Dare to fall

by Amira15


Lorena Woke the next morning Nice and early. The Drapes had already been drawn back and the suns gentle rays hit her face giving her a refreshing sensation to start the day. Lorena got out of bed and put on her white house shoes. She was so hungry she could smell breakfast Coming from the kitchen in the lower part of the castle.

She walked out of her room assuming her male guest has not woken up yet, in her nightgown and robe. She walked down the emerald green halls to the dining room. She would receive good mornings from the servants passing by in the halls. And she would nod her head courteously and continue on to where some food was waiting for her. When she entered the dining room, Landon was already there. He sat eating at the long mahogany table. In the last chair at the far end just before the foot of the table. She was so surprised she closed her robe quickly she hadn’t wanted him to see her improperly. Her swift movements made him notice her.

“Landon...I did not know you were awake yet.‘ She said sitting in the seat across from him. He just starred at her with a confused face. He put down the fork he was holding and wiped his face with the emerald green cloth napkin next to his plate. Was this the queen he saw the yesterday? He thought.

“So now you want to be polite?” he said bitterly. Lorena was confused.

“What are you - oh I’m sorry. I meant to tell you, my little outburst yesterday was a joke I hope you didn’t mind. She said with a small smile.

Landon kept that same confused face.

“A joke.” he said not buying it “That’s your excuse for being so rude.’

“Excuse me” she said insulted.

“Even if it was a joke....” he said moving forward in his chair. “It wasn’t very funny.” his tone was nice and low but to Lorena, it felt as if he Yelled it loud enough for the whole castle to hear.

“Excuse me!” Lorena said again.

“Your lucky my father sent me. You would not know how to run a country if you play “jokes” like that.

Did he know who he was talking to. She thought Koram’s son would show more respect. She was so angry she couldn’t think of anything to do but scowled him. But he scowled back. That triggered Lorena’s last nerve.

“ I was having a little fun, a laugh ,which I needed since my father died!” she said standing up out of her seat.“Okay maybe I should have told you it was a joke sooner! But now I see what kind of person you are. Lorena walked to the door.

” I’ll have breakfast sent to my room!” She yelled back at him. Then walked fiercely out of the dining room.

She went to her room and laid her self across her unmade bed.

“How can he be so inconsiderate. doesn’t he have any sense of humor.“ Lorena thought of her father.

“ Father I don’t think I can do this with out you.” then Lorena thought of what one of the maids said before she went to bed. Because she didn’t tell him about the joke sooner, he thinks less of her.

Lorena decided to get dressed and apologies to him. She realized she was being rather rude. So she put on a silk white dress, put hear hair into one braid and set off to find him.

Landon entered in the congress room. He found his way there after his intriguing breakfast. The room had a large wooden round table and a hundred empty seats surrounding it. There were statues of the previous Kings in each corner of the large Square room. The white walls bare, with only The emerald green Crest of the horse. Hanging in the center wall brighter than the two Large torches beside it.

What was he going to do. There was so much that needed to be organized. It seems no one has taken care of any of the paper work since the Kings death. There was so much organizing to do. He would ask for the Queens help, But he knew she would probably make a joke about the situation to make up for her uncertainty. Landen sighed and sat at in the first chair he saw. This really is going to be harder than he thought.

Lorena asked a maid where Landon was and she told her the congress room. So that’s where she was headed.

Lorena entered the room quietly. She saw Landon already at work. She was surprised at how much work he had done. She walked further into the room. She watched him quietly doing the paper work. Jotting stuff down and sorting things. He really did come to help her.

He was taking a sip of his coffee when she said.

“I see your at work already.” he jumped and his cup spilled on the paper work and on him. Landon stood up wiping his clothes.

“Oh I’m so sorry, let me help you.” she said wiping some of the papers and trying to shake the coffee off.

“Sorry for what?’ He said “This or what happened yesterday.” She looked at him angrily

“I try to help you and all you can do is start arguments!” she yelled putting the papers back on the table. Her voice echoed through the room.

“I don’t know do you think this was funny? Was it a joke to you?” He said smart-alecky.

Her eyes widened and she screamed in frustration. Then stormed out of the room.

“Go ahead!” he yelled after her “run out like you always do!”

The Queen stopped hearing this. At first she was upset. But she realized he was right. She would run out when ever she would get angry, or when she couldn’t deal with a problem. She turned around and went back into the room. She came and stood in front of him.

“I’m sorry .“ she said not liking to have said it.

“Not just for this.” she gestured toward the mess. ”But for all the mishaps we’ve had since you arrived. And I appreciate your helping me.”

He looked at her with a handsome smile. It seems he was finally seeing the serious side to the young Queen.

‘I’m sorry too.’ He replied. She started to smile but tried to hide it.

“Do you need any help ?” She said.

“I could use a hand.” He said and they sat for hours doing paper work

The next morning Lorena woke up extremely early she got out of her bed and opened her drapes. She walked on to the stone balcony. She took in a deep breath from the flowers, in the garden below. The morning wind blew her hair gently on her face. She was so at peace. She closed her eyes half expected to lift off from the balcony and soar with the morning birds. But knowing she cant. she opened her eyes still happy at the thought. Lorena suddenly had an Idea. She was going to Leave the castle grounds for the first time. She ran back inside and put on one of her old dresses it was a nice tan, but a bit raggedy. She thought she’d blend in for sure. She let her hair stay at her shoulders. She put on some plain black shoes and snuck out of the castle without any of the servants seeing her.

Landon could see the entrance to the castle from his bedroom window. He watched as Lorena snuck out. Where is she going he thought. So he went and fallowed her.

Lorena found herself in a market place full of people, and animals. She was in a dusty alley with merchants in little shacks up against its walls. As Lorena walked down the alley way she was astonished at what she saw. Little children chasing after chickens. She could hear a man yelling. Fresh fruit Fresh fruit. She passed by women’s clothing stores where she could see girls her age putting the dresses to there bodies trying to decide if they were to buy it or not. She passed a jewelry store which she bought diamond earrings from and a book store. She happen to see an abandoned flower shop with a strange old woman sitting in front of it. Lorena was so impressed, she smiled. Her kingdom was running smoothly, Nothing disorderly. But Lorena spoke to soon. The man selling fruit was no longer yelling fresh fruits. Instead he was yelling thief. A man dressed in dirty ragged clothes was running through the crowed of people with fruits in his hands. The soldier chased him and Lorena chased the soldier. She found them in a dead end ally way. The soldier was beating the man.

“STOP!” Lorena yelled. The soldier stopped beating the man and turned to Lorena.

“What are you doing?” she said running to help the poor man.

“Why are you beating this old man!” she said.

“This man stole fruits from one of the merchants. He has to be punished.” The soldier said. “To feed my family!” the poor man cried.

Lorena felt a purge of sympathy in her heart .

“Move young Lady I must take him into custody.” The soldier said shoving Lorena out of the way.

“No! I Order you to stop.” Lorena yelled. The soldier turned to face Lorena once again.

“Who are you to give me an order.” The soldier replied harshly. Lorena wanted to tell him she was the Queen of Sylas. But she knew he wouldn’t believe her, with the way she was dressed.

“I am the daughter of the merchant whom he stole the fruit and I say he can have it. I will deal with my father.” she said putting her hands on her hips satisfied with herself.

“Fine” The guard said and gave the man back the fruit. And walked away with a smug look on his face.

“Thank you, thank you.” the man said slightly bowing his head every time.

“One more thing.” Lorena placed the diamond earrings she just purchased in the mans hand.

“There you go” she said closing his hand. ”These should make good money on the market.”

“Thank you so much kind miss.” And the man scurried away.

Satisfied with what she’d done she turned to go back to the castle. There she saw Landon behind her arms crossed, leaning with one shoulder against the wall. He had that same handsome smile he had on his face, as he did when they had there first decent conversation.

“How long have you been fallowing me?” she said.

“Since you left the castle.” He replied in a Subtle voice like he had a certain admiration about her. His smile seemed to touched Lorena in a way she never felt before. And the way he starred at her, it scared her. She tried to fight of the smile forming on her face. But he was controlling the moment and her she thought.

“Why are you looking at me like that.” Lorena said trying to gain control of herself.

“ I just didn’t know you had a serious side.” He said taking his self of the wall.

“ Hey!” she said smiling. “I thought we got passed that.” Landon laughed and Lorena rolled her eyes to avoid any further eye contact with him.

“ You know... I was wrong about you.” he said holding his right arm up. Lorena took it and they walked back to the castle together.

Lorena found herself alone walking in the hallway. She had changed into a satin sapphire blue dress. She made two small braids in the front of her hair and clipped them behind her head. And let the rest of her hair lay on her shoulders.

“Majesty there you are.” A maid said walking fast toward her. ”Where have you been, I made breakfast and you didn’t show.”

Lorena didn’t want to tell her she left the castle. Sometimes the maids worry too much.

‘I didn’t feel like breakfast today, so I stayed in my room.” she said.

“ I checked your room.” the maid replied. Lorena was trapped the pressure was killing her.

“You did ....well...um ...I was....umm-”

“She was showing me around the gardens” Landen said out of nowhere. “Did you look for her there?”

The maid turned to Landon and bowed her head.” I’m sorry I didn’t look there.”

“That’s fine said the young Queen relieved Landon came to her rescue. With that the maid walked away

“Thank you!” she told Landon.

“Your welcome. Wonder why she pushed the subject?” he said watching the maid walk down the hall.

“They worry sometimes. My parents had them keep constant watch over me.” she said as she started to walk down the hall.

“Do you care to actually show me around the gardens?” Landon said catching up with her.

Lorena stopped abruptly. She had to think about it. This mad Landon nervous, and he didn’t know why. All he could see was the back of her. He didn’t know what facial expression she was making. He bit his lip, but he kept thinking ,why was he so nervous. Lorena turned to face him. She starred at Landon and noticed his worried look. She smiled reassuringly and said.

“I guess i could show you the gardens.” He smiled and Lorena led the way to the garden gates.

The castle had four gardens in total. Lorena and Landon entered the small iron gates to the garden. They could hear the water flowing from the fountains and the splashes from the birds baths.

“Daisies, tulips, daffodils, hydrangeas ,lilies and any other flower you name it there all hear.” Lorena said smelling one of the hydrangeas.

“ I can see that.” Landon said looking around.

“Its just so peaceful hear. My mother would spin me around on the grass when I was little.” Lorena said. Then she stood up and kicked of her shoes then begun to spin around on the grass. She remembered her mothers humming and her laughter. It was like she was a small child again.

Landon watched her from the bench as she spun, her dress spread out like a bell. She was so beautiful. They way she spun with such grace and innocence. The whole while it felt like she was moving in slow motion to him. Landon felt a flower blooming in his stomach, it felt weird but comforting. He stood up and looked around he saw the fountains and small angel statues and a bush in the middle of a large colorful hedge where the flowers didn’t bloom. He walked over and touched the closed flowers gently.

“What type of flowers are these” he said to Lorena. She stopped her spinning and stood there for a second because she was dizzy. Then she walked over catching her breath.

“Oh there supposed to be roses.” she said touching them.

“ I don’t know why, but every time I would come hear the roses would never bloom”

“That’s odd.” Landon said. ”Yes, but I think we should go in for dinner.” Lorena said looking at Landon.

“ I think your right”

Lorena and Landon talked over dinner all night. He would tell her stories from his kingdom, and she would tell him about some of the funny people who came to the castle.

That night when Lorena went to bed all she could think about was Landon. His handsome smile and his rose red hair, who could forget that.

All Landon could think about was Lorena . The way she spun around in the garden and her radiant smile.

Landon Thought......... Lorena thought............ could they be............... falling ...............

In Love?

That night Lorena had a terrible dream. She was in the darkness and was scared. A voice, an evil voice, the voice of an old woman kept saying,

The girl I cursed has finally fell

In love with a man she loves so well.

And now comes the big surprise,

The key to it all, her bitter demise

At the time and place where the roses bloom,

The child will face her end and doom

“soon my child ...soon.”

Lorena awoke in the middle of the night sweating and breathing heavy after hearing this. She wondered but it stayed in the back of her mind. Could this be the curse her father spoke of? Was the voice she heard the voice of that evil woman? What was he thinking! There is no such thing. Lorena slowly laid back down and went back to sleep.

The next morning Lorena woke to loud knocking on her door. She could hear the muffled voice of her aunt Adeley. Lorena got out of bed and walked over to the door. she opened it and her aunt walked in uninvited fallowed by a few maid servants.

‘Its nice to see you too Dear Aunt.” Lorena said sarcastically

“Wake up now Lorena. You have a big day today.” Adeley opened the drapes letting an ocean of light in the room. Lorena covered her eyes from the rays of the sun.

“Why do I have a big day aunt Adeley?” Lorena said tired. She tried to lay down but her aunt pulled her up.

“Why The ball of course.”

“What ball?” Lorena said wide awake.

Her the servants opened her wardrobe and started pulling out dresses.

“Aunt Adeley what ball?” she said walking over to her trying to put every dress the servants pulled out back in.

“The one tonight silly girl.” Lorena stared at her aunt as if she’d gone mad.

“ I never received an Invitation.” Lorena said.

“That’s because its your ball. Your having it for the arrival of Master Landon.”

Lorena’s eyes widened she never discussed a ball with anyone.

“I never organized a ball!” Lorena said to her aunt stopping the servants form pulling out anymore dresses.

“Oh no, I did.” she said.

“ Aunt Adeley you didn’t.” she was amazed at the lengths her aunt would go to. Sometimes she was unsure if she really was related to her father.

“ My dear child you need this. Have some fun. Like I always say-”

“Have a happy day after a sad one” they said together.

Now I think this Yellow one suits you Adeley said taking the dandelion dress out of the wardrobe.

Lorena let out a sigh.

“ I’m going down for breakfast.” she said throwing on her robe.

She walked through the Hallways slowly watching so many servants rush by with flower pots fabrics chairs. All getting ready for tonight. Lorena just shook her head. She saw Landon in the hallway. He was already dressed. How early does he usually get up Lorena thought.

“What’s all the commotion about.” he said gesturing toward the servants.

“What, you don’t know?’ Lorena said puzzled. Unbelievable her aunt didn’t even tell the guest of honor of his own party.

“You there!” she said to one of the servant boys. He came hurrying over Yes your majesty he said with a bow.

“ What is everyone preparing for?” Lorena asked nonchalantly

“ Well, the ball welcoming Master Landon here.” Landon looked puzzled.

“ Thank you. You may go.” Lorena said. The man went scurrying off.

“A ball welcoming me? How nice of you Lorena.” He said.

“ Don’t thank me” she said “I just found out a few moments ago.”

“A few moments ago.....wait how-”

“My aunt Adeley.” Lorena said

“Who?” just then Adeley came sweeping down the hall saying Lorena I thought you were going for breakfast.”

Landon saw the short thick woman with her light brown curly hair.

The woman stopped at the sight of Landon. She fixed her appearance as she walked over.

“ You Must be our guest of honor, My name is Adeley, I am Lorena’s aunt.”

She said holding out her hand.


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Sun Dec 28, 2008 12:45 am
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Lorena woke the next morning nice and early. The drapes had already been drawn back and the sun's gentle rays hit her face giving her a refreshing sensation to start the day. [s]Lorena[/s] She got out of bed and put on her white house shoes. She was so hungry she could smell breakfast coming from the kitchen in the lower part of the castle. Hmm. Must be a small castle is scents can travel that far. I think you need a little more detail in the above paragraph.. "Refreshing sensation" and "white house shoes" are good enough, but you ought to go into greater detail to give us something to work with.

She walked out of her room, assuming her male guest had not [s]woken up[/s] awoken yet, in her nightgown and robe. What color are they? Texture? She walked down the emerald green halls Are the walls emerald or the carpet? How about the tapestries? to the dining room. She [s]would receive[/s] received "good mornings' from the servants passing by in the halls. And she [s]would nod[/s] nodded her head courteously and continue on to where some food was waiting for her.

New paragraph. When she entered the dining room, Landon was already there. He sat eating at the long mahogany table[s]. I[/s], in the last chair at the far end just before the foot of the table. [i]She was so surprised she closed her robe quickly she hadn’t wanted him to see her improperly. Her swift movements made him notice her.[i] See rewrite for italicized sentence.

She jumped when she saw him sitting there, eating (describe him physically: hair, eyes, skin, etc.). Before he could see her indecent apparel, she swiftly closed her robe and tied the sash tightly. Her quick movements made him look up at her.

“Landon...I did not know you were awake yet[s].‘ S[/s]," she said sitting in the seat across from him. He just starred at her with a confused face. Hmm. He seems rather slow. He put down the fork he was holding and wiped his face with the emerald green cloth napkin next to his plate. Was this the queen he saw the yesterday? he thought.

“So now you want to be polite?” he said bitterly. Lorena was confused. You can elaborate a great deal on her confusion, you know.

“What are you - oh, I’m sorry," she said apologetically, realizing what he meant. "I meant to tell you, my little outburst yesterday was a joke; I hope you didn’t mind[s]. S[/s],"she said with a small smile.

Landon kept that same confused face. Wait a moment. Just a few sentences ago he was bitter. Shouldn't his face change expressions, from confused to bitterness/frustration?

“A joke.” he said not buying it. “That’s your excuse for being so rude."

“Excuse me” she said indignantly, insulted.

“Even if it was a joke....” he said moving forward in his chair. “It wasn’t very funny.” His tone was nice and low, but to Lorena, it felt as if he yelled it loud enough for the whole castle to hear.

“Excuse me!” Lorena said again.

“You're lucky my father sent me. You would not know how to run a country if you play “jokes” like that."

Did he know who he was talking to? She thought Koram’s son would show more respect. She was so angry she couldn’t think of anything to do but scowled him. But he scowled back. That triggered Lorena’s last nerve.

“ I was having a little fun, a laugh, which I needed since my father died!” she said, standing up out of her seatand added, a little more patronizingly:“[s]Okay maybe[/s] Perhaps I should have told you it was a joke sooner! But now I see what kind of person you are: a man that cannot take a joke, whatever kind it is!" Lorena walked to the door.

"I’ll have breakfast sent to my room!” she yelled [s]back at him[/s] at the servants, standing shocked at their posts.. Then she walked fiercely out of the dining room.

She went to her room and laid her self across her unmade bed.

“How can he be so inconsiderate? Doesn’t he have any sense of humor?" Lorena thought of her father.

“ Father, I don’t think I can do this with out you.” Then Lorena thought of what one of the maids said before she went to bed. Because she didn’t tell him about the joke sooner, he thinks less of her.

Lorena decided to get dressed and [s]apologies[/s] apologize to him. She realized she was being rather rude. So she put on a silk white dress, put her hair into one messy braid and set off to find him.

Landon entered in the congress room. He found his way there after his intriguing breakfast. The room had a large wooden round table and a hundred empty seats surrounding it. There were statues of the previous kings in each corner of the large square room. The white walls bare, with only the emerald green crest of the horse[s]. H[/s] hanging on the center wall, brighter than the two large torches beside it.

What was he going to do? There was so much that needed to be organized. It seems no one has taking care of any of the paper work since the King's death. [s]There was so much organizing to do.[/s] He would ask for the Queen's help, but he knew she would probably make a joke about the situation to make up for her uncertainty. Landon sighed and sat at in the first chair he saw. This really is going to be harder than he thought.

Lorena asked a maid where Landon was and she told her the congress room. So that’s where she was headed.

Lorena entered the room quietly. She saw Landon already at work. She was surprised at how much work he had done. She walked further into the room. She watched him quietly doing the paper work. Jotting stuff down and sorting things. He really did come to help her.

He was taking a sip of his coffee when she said, “I see you're at work already.”

He jumped and his cup spilled on the paper work and on him. Landon stood up [s]wiping[/s] brushing off his clothes.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, let me help you.” She said wiping some of the papers and trying to shake the coffee off.


Sorry, but this is where I'm going to have to stop. It is really too tiring to have to edit this; there are a lot of punctuation mistakes, such as mistaking periods for commas and vice versa. You tend to capitalize words that do not need to be capitalized. Also, some of your sentences are dreadfully dull--no offense--such as the one that goes like: "Lorena asked a maid where Landon was and she told her the congress room. So that's where she was headed." It's the bare bones of a sentence. You could build it up.

Sorry I couldn't go any further, but I have a headache. Keep trying and good work. I hope you like my suggestions. :)

~Sunny





Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres