Published May 5, 2008
As Lovely as it Seems
Grace, poise, a beautiful smile.
Nice personality all the while.
Comfortable to be around and very friendly.
Confidence and class, speech soft and steadily.
Its a fairytale.
Its not real.
Its only in your dreams.
I guess some things aren't as lovely as it seems.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,343 Literary Works • 674,369 Reviews
Well...
It's nice, but let me tell you now. This poem needs a massive expansion! I get what you're trying to say, it's just that it's not given clearly like niteowl said.
I like poems where you have to sit and figure out what you're trying to say, but this one wasn't...'right'
This is one of the poems where you have to get as much detail as possible for it to be a good poem and importantly, make sense.
it was well done.
a bit too short.
you might want to make it longer.
also include more expression.
that is all you need to work on.
space
Hello, Amira. I really like this. I think you should build on from this. Extrend it, and add more details. I like how you started off by describing someone special. I didn't really like your ending. It doesn't make sense. Try to add some reasons why it isn't as lovely as it seems. Also, I want to point out a grammer error:
I added the apostraphes where they are needed. Good luck, and I hope this helps!
-Rick.
I think that this concept is a little... used don't get me wrong I have felt this same thing but because you didn't, Flesh this out i wasn't given a reason to care, so I guess what i am saying is that i like what it could be but most of all i need you to make me care. Make me see all the hopelessness all the tears and most importantly how the lie of a fairy tale has brought you to this point but keep it up write more all i was trying to say is that I want you to bleed your own soul into your work.
This is a good start, but it needs some expansion. Make it clearer who we are referring to. A friend? An enemy? A crush? Yourself? Also, it would be interesting if you showed the contrast between the fantasy and the reality. What is this awesome person really like?
Also, "steadily" does not make grammatical sense, nor does it fit the rhyme scheme. In fact, I would abandon the rhyme scheme altogether so you can improve your powerful word choice.
I like the idea behind this, but it needs to be fleshed out a bit. Keep writing!