"It's the kind of pain whose tune is a chaotic improvisation. Your happines? an immortal slave to pages stained by a russian's cofee, a human who saw too much and is trying to forget, to erase as much as he can. Your tears are made of paper and you can allocate to each existence a musical note: you are inspired by the ones who breath blues, you are intrigued by the poeple who live in rock arrangements, and you think that people who "burn it pop" are sweethearts. Your entire existence? A typhoon made out of syllables masked in songs."
-Souns and words-
"Would you mind if I were to tell our story?
Your life, the meaning of my existence?
You are hurting a scar, and I am loving a jasmine-scented venom.
I am dreaming in incolour pastels, you do it in darkness.
You are thinking in exclamation points, I do it in question marks.
I am afraid of everything, you fear nothing.
You are the warrior who attacks at midnight, I am the rusty blade from your previous battle.
You ahead, me always in the distance.
I am thinking about the future but I am to anxious to live it, you do not regret nothing but you are running from memories.
Your life, the meaning of my existence!"
-Ou story of contrasts-
"Time married us in the middle of a forest patch,
of a garden torn by hatred.
Our love was witnessed by the spirits of the heroes,
and the wind whispered our vows.
We became husband and wife under the strike of a bullet.
A veil stained by blood,
a wedding band in which the pain of a nation reflected,
souvenirs for a shared life.
-The bride with a bloody veil-
"When you love an existence coloured only by lies and illusions, everything changes. You feel like you offered your heart to a skeleton. The person whom you thought hang the moon turns out to be the meteorite that cracked your planet. All your sand-your protection- dissapears, the flux becomes wilder; your ocean, an open wound that is constantly getting rubbed on with salt. The story which you felt like it was your happy end: a rib cage that protected your once beating heart, a fragment of the universe and a scar masked by waves."
-Aftermath-
I would love yo hear your thoughs on these pieces.
C.S
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, Amira! Happy Review Day! Ink here for a review, so let's get right into it!
I am going to be frank. I saw almost no rhyme or reason in this at all. It was vaguely romantic, but it honestly just read like a bunch of fancy and many times misspelled words strung together. The only thing tying this together was the theme of love and the apparent pain that comes with it.
I'll go more into depth later, but before I forget, I want to mention your format. It didn't make any sense to me. I don't see a reason in having a paragraph, then an unbroken stanza center aligned, and then another paragraph. I didn't really notice a heightened dramatic effect, and it was just confusing.
Your three parts are disjointed and strange, and I think that it would be easier to discern a meaning if you separated the three and made them their own individual poems. To make this easier for me, I am going to talk about each part separately.
Part One:
This feels very off topic. You open the paragraph talking about music, but this has no mention of it at all. I fail to see the point of including the sentence because it doesn't really make sense in the context.
While I could figure out what most of your individual sentences meant, they are certainly not the best way to word what you want to say. I see that English is not your first language, so you'll have to work harder, but you need to find straightforward ways to say these things.
Part Two:
Being completely candid, this is probably my least favorite part of the poem. It's just listing opposing things. Already, it doesn't seem very interesting, but I also sometimes failed to see how the two things that were meant to be at odds with each other were related.
This sentence doesn't make any sense. What jasmine scented venom? The subject's? It's not specific enough, and it's unclear how these two things oppose each other.
Part 3:
I liked this part the most. While I think that Part 1 has more potential to be really unique and interesting, I think that this part was written the best. I think that it was very clear what you were talking about (a romantic partner who isn't as they seem), and the metaphors worked really well with that. You did have some tense and spelling errors that detracted from the overall piece, but I enjoyed this part. You should install Grammarly or something similar on your computer. It will check for spelling and grammar issues, and I'm sure you'd find it a huge help. I use it myself.
Overall, it was a bit disjointed, but I think that each part has potential on its own.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me in a reply to this review or in a pm.
~Ink
I love these pieces of work, they are really good
Thank you very much for taking the time to read them! ^_^
no bother
Hey there, Kanome here with a review in honor in Review Day.
There are just a few grammatical errors on here that I would like to address:
Happines to Happiness
Cofee to Coffee
Poeple to People
Did you mean Our Story of Contrasts? I don’t know what you meant here, but hopefully you’re able to answer my question…
Anyways, I love the way the words flowed throughout the poem. The word usage was also well-written and I liked the repetitiveness in the poem. You used a lot of imagery and I liked how the poem formed a story. All you had was slight grammar errors, the poem was great itself overall. Hope you continue doing more poetry like this because I would love to keep reading your work. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy your day!
Thank you for pointing out the error. English is not my first language so I am still working on my attention to details. Thank you so much for your review, and I too hope that you can take time of your day in order to read something that I write! I wish you a happy day!