That's all she said

Hey Amir!

It's review day! And I chose to review this short of yours because the subject matter is quite interesting. Something a lot of people struggle with, and this may be quite a personal written work.

Despite it's short length, the story you do have here is interesting. It's almost seems psychedelic. The idea of this person being alone in this room, but still getting lost in his mind and thoughts is pretty neat. Add some lenght to it, and it will be excellent.

However, before you do that; there is another reason I chose to review your piece. You are lacking in grammar. In fact it is terrible. I read this was an old work of yours, so it has likely improved. But I'll do a quick overview:

Throughout the entire piece, you never use a single period (otherwise known as a full stop). Not a single one. Almost quite a feat, but still, that is terrible and it needs to be the first thing addressed.

Instead you use commas throughout the work. Sometimes they are in place of a period, and sometimes they are where there shouldn't be a comma or even a period.

Capital letters are only to be used at the beginning of a sentence and paragraph, as well as names, places and has very few exceptions. Every time you use a personal pronoun (refer to yourself), it should be capitalized. I, not i.

I'll clear up your ending sentence to give a complete impression:

Still, All i see is an empty room, The one note is back, As i look at my bed, With all the clothes thrown on it, I head to my bed with sleepy eyes, I close it as the humming puts me to sleep. And i cry over one Word, "Jake" A bit loud she screamed, "Jake" That's all she said...

Hiya Amir, here to review this work!

Okay, so I'm just going to ignore the grammatical errors of this and focus more on what exactly is going on. I think you've done really well it creating a good setting, good surrounding and you've used some good imagery. The pace of this piece (ignoring the incorrect commas) is actually really good. You have some very interesting sentences, it's very suspenseful so well done!

Improvements:
1) Firstly, there's a lot of 'I do this' and 'I do that'. Try and vary it a bit so that's it's more interesting. Maybe change the order of words so that you can work with it better. Try starting off some sentences with adverbs such as 'carefully' and 'slowly', this will add even more imagery to your piece and help the reader picture it better.

2) Okay, now I don't usually talk about grammar too much in a review, but this seems to be an issue for you. And I noticed in the comment below you said that English sin't you first language. Considering that, you've done really well with this! I'm going to give you a few tips now on grammar:

-Full stops! And by that I mean the dot that goes at the end of a sentence. Commas can break down one sentence into two, but you need full stops to end the sentence. For example here:

The sound of piano is getting louder and louder in my head, This one note drives me crazy, I try to cover it, turning The volume of my headphones out loud, Its no use,

"I turn my face around, There's Blood Upon my shaking hands,I am down on my knees, On the street, Shocked, I am not alone, No, Not at all, The few piano notes, The humming girl sound, They're slowly starting to go away, I could still hear them, But i'm hearing the sound of that generators engine, All i see is people's feet around me, And all i hear is blurry sounds, Different words, different volumes, all out at the same time, I can't hear nor understand words of what they're saying,"

Intriguing! I love intriguing and suspense stuff! This is terribly good! There is this pretty obvious and BIG flaw; the comas!!! Why not exclamation point or just points at all? Question marks?

The punctuation point is really important in literature! If you're screaming you need an exclamation point, example, "Jake!". Not commas, they call the eyes attention! LOL...

Otherwise, this piece of work is great!!! I loved this! You should write more often! And I would read them all!

Keep up the good work!

~Marde!

What's up with all the commas??? They were really distracting and made it very difficult to focus on the story.
The organization and grammar need a lot of help. The dialogue needs to be on its own paragraph, and the transitions are really rough. It's hard to distinguish between the present and the past.
Also, where are the descriptions?
I can see potential for a very good story, but it needs a lot of work....

Keep on writing!
Dragonrider