This is a short story I wrote for my English class. The only prompt was to start with the sentence, "She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally, decided to walk through the door." Also, when reviewing it, could you look for grammar and spelling? My friend said she found some errors but I couldn't find any...
She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally, decided to walk through the door. Stepping down cracked steps she lit a cigarette, letting the smoke envelop her thoughts. She stood back on the sidewalk and wondered how much longer she would call this graffiti-ridden shit hole home. The rent was due a few weeks ago, so she was expecting eviction any day now. Blowing these thoughts off just like the smoke, she wandered down the street.
The rips in her gloves were letting the sleeting rain freeze her dirty skin. She reached in her pocket and found a tissue. Wiping her nose, the tissue turned red. She continued to wipe the stream of blood when a filthy Oldsmobile cruised past. It honked at her while they slowed down and pulled up to the curb. There were two men inside. The driver had too many tattoos to count, and the guy riding shotgun stuck his shaved head out the window. She heard a catcall and tried to ignore it.
“Hey pretty girl, want a ride? I don’t charge,” he winked suggestively.
“Get lost, jackass,” She hurried her pace, digging into her pocket for another cigarette.
“Aw c’mon, don’t be like that sweetheart,” said the driver.
“I said get lost!” she screamed. She picked up a broken bottle off the ground and threw it at the car. They flipped her the bird and sped off. She started a run now, not sure if the men would return.
After a couple minutes she could see the warehouse looming over the street. She walked up to the door and knocked four times. A slit in the door opened and she saw a pair of familiar eyes. The slit closed and she heard the loud clunk of the door being unlocked. She pushed it open, grateful for the rush of warm air.
“Hope, good to see you again. I get a little worried when I don’t hear from someone in this part of town,” the man laughed.
“Well you know me. I like to lay low,” she laughed along with him and threw the bloody tissue in a trash can. “So anyway, you got the stuff? I could use a pick-me-up.” He nodded, and went over to a table with a brown paper bag on top. She walked over, feeling like a kid getting a present on Christmas morning. Opening it, she smiled and gave the man a hug.
“I know I can always count on you Rob,” she smiled. She laid the contents of the bag out on the table.
“You’re gonna do that right now?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’ve had a rough day,” she nodded. He shrugged and went into another room to use his phone.
She removed the white block from the bag. She fished around in her coat and found the razor blade. Staring at it, she remembered how this thing once brought her so much pain, and now it only brought her happiness. Taking the wrinkled one dollar bill out of her pocket and rolling it into a tube, she started snorting the heavenly white powder. Everything negative from the day seemed to disappear, and she felt truly happy. She did this three more times when Rob finally walked back in.
“Hey, what are you doing? Half the block is gone!” To her he sounded like he was underwater. He lowered her to the floor and grabbed his phone.
“Don’t move, I’m gonna call 911!” he shouted. He sounded so far away, but he was right there. She stared at his frantic face, but she had to squint because it was so bright. Now it was changing to darkness. His face looked like an old picture, the edges were the first to get damaged. The darkness kept creeping in until she couldn’t see anymore. She clutched the bill, holding on for dear life, but eventually, she let go.
If you can think of a better title, please let me know!
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140,679 Literary Works • 673,590 Reviews
Hey Amp,
This is Puck. My thoughts and suggestions will be in brackets.
*to (maybe)
the plot is good. You have tried to show a very strong voice through the narrator. The ending however seems a little abrupt. The story is okay, don't get me wrong. I think that your descriptions at the end were a bit less that's why the scenes seemed to go a bit fast for the reader to believe. But that is just my view. There's also the part where Rob calls out about calling 911, it's just that not a lot of drug-dealers actually go for this. At most times they don't agree calling the authorities before checking out if anything was actually wrong or not. But that's just what I think.
Anyway, this was really good. I hope you keep writing.
Puck.
I have two words: WELL DONE!!
This was a spectacular piece of work.
You really worked hard to show the emotion of the character and that hard work has defiantly payed off. You've used a wide range of vocabulary and really have showed us how the main character felt.
It is often better to have a female main character than a male one because they often have a completely different set of emotions to a male. Women can convey sadness or happiness like men can't and are good at filling the shoes of a person in a difficult situation.
Keep on writing because I can see that you are very creative.
Well and done and good luck
This is amazing! I really wasn't expecting that ending. The story was immediately engaging and I was gripped right untill the end. I've checked through fairly carefully and couldn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes at all, maybe you should ask your friend to point out where she thought they were! I absolutely loved this, please let me know next time you post something on the site, I'd love to read more of your work!
I really liked the storyline of this, mainly because I have written something very similar (work.php?id=97881) and so I appreciate the time and thought you put into this kind of plot.
However, it seems like you've fallen into the same trap that I did - conveying your main character's person, thoughts and feelings. I know it's difficult with the assumed personality of Hope - she seems to mask herself inside a shell, hardened by life on the streets. For a prompt story, it's great, but if you really want the impact of Hope to hit your reader, you need to do a little more character-building. Honestly, I didn't feel very sorry for her when she OD'd. Give the reader something to connect with her, a reason to relate with her misery, besides just a girl lost in the world of substance abuse.
Also, the first thing I noticed in the first paragraph is that the prompt really has nothing to do with the story. Where does the book come into the picture? Maybe the novel isn't important to the whole picture, but if it was significant enough to be listed in the prompt and your first sentence, I think you should tie it in a little more to the rest.
All in all, great job! I love your writing style, keep it up.
~Indie.
Very well written, but the end seems kind of rushed to me. Maybe you could have elaborated more on how the drug influenced her. Instead of only listing the visuals, describe how it made her feel as she started to black out, maybe the thoughts running through her head.
Also, maybe you could describe who Rob is a little more. Explain the connectin between Hope and him. She says, "I know I can count on you Rob." But why? Why does she know she can count on Rob? How much does he impact her life? Is he just her dealer, or someone much closer?
How did she get into the drug scene? What influenced her to start snorting?
The last thing I'll comment on is the bit about the razor. Yes, I can infer by the sentence, "Staring at it, she remembered how this thing once brought her so much pain, and now it only brought her happiness" that she use to self-harm with the razor, but why did she?
Mainly, I think the story is pretty good, it's just missing background information on the characters. Other than that, A++.
Sorry if that's too many questions ^^;