z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Crystal Clear - Prologue

by AmethystNight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Crystal Clear

Prologue

The tray landed on my desk with enough force to move the plates and bowls around and make a loud clattering sound that woke me. I jumped out of my seat, forcing the chair into the wall behind me and injuring the backs of my knees.

"Sleeping again, were we?" Chris said, grinning annoyingly at me.

I ignored him and stepped to the side so that I could pull the chair away from the wall and check that there were no marks left on the paintwork. "What's with the tray?" I asked.

"Food," he said slightly sarcastically. "It's for a new inmate. She has to be watched when she eats 'cause she has a tendency to not eat it."

I furrowed my brow. "Why? She's trying to weaken herself?" I said, confused.

"I think it's an escape attempt," he said, shrugging.

I sighed, picking up the tray and leaving the room. I made my way down the corridors, unlocking the doors, opening them, walking through and then closing and locking them again. I reached the cell and peered through the bars. The room was dark so all I could see was a small shape huddled in the corner. I sorted through my keys, selected one, shoved it in the lock and turned it until I heard that satisfying clunking sound I had grown accustomed to over the years. I slid the door open and stepped into the cell, sliding it closed again behind me. I placed the tray on the floor and looked up at the small heap of cloth in the corner as I sorted out the plates of food. There was something moving under the cloth, reacting to the noise I was making.

"Anyone under there?" I asked.

A piece of cloth moved to one side and a head rose from under it. A pair of deep, crimson eyes peered up at me, like illuminated precious gems, through the mass of dark, knotted strands that made up a bundle of chestnut brown hair; they were wide and panicked. I realised instantly that this was a young girl, still in her early teens.

"Hello," I said instinctively. "What's your name?"

"At the moment?" the young girl said in a perfect, clipped, English accent. "Chrissie."

She sat up straight and straightened out her legs so that I could see her clearly. Her clothes were ripped and burned and covered in the red stains of blood, some of which was probably hers, and her snow white skin was covered in small cuts and bruises. Her lips were cracked and dark circles framed her eyes. She had a slight build and looked quite short even from a sitting position.

"How old are you?" I asked, pushing the tray of food towards her.

"That depends," she grinned at me, "on whether you mean how old was I when I was made or how old am I including the years since then."

"How old were you?" I confirmed.

"15," she said quietly, dropping her head and pulling the tray towards her with her index finger. "I'm 316 years old today." She picked up the packet of blood on the tray and threw it at me.

"What's wrong?" I said. "Don't like the colour?"

"It's human."

"And?"

"I don't drink human blood."

"Oh," I sighed, leaning back against the wall and watching her shovel food into her mouth. "So you're one of them. You need to drink your blood though," I said teasingly. "You'll grow weak if you don't."

"It doesn't matter. I'll be dead soon anyway."

I stopped, shocked by her words. "Why?"

"Because I've been given the death penalty."

She polished off her meal and leant back against the bare brick wall behind her.

"What gets a young girl like you the death penalty?"

"The murder of one of our own kind."

"Who'd you kill?"

She grinned at me again. "That's a long story."

I grinned back at her. "All I have is time."


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Points: 746
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:50 am
uni8 wrote a review...



This is really good. And to snoweary, I think amethystnight didn't mean she had to drink her own blood but that she had to drink the blood that was given to her. :D




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Points: 1338
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Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:57 pm
autumnleaves17 wrote a review...



This is a really interesting first start! I could not find any faults with it, and have got to say I love the tantalising ending, I so want to know what happens next! I thought I had seen/heard it all when it came to vampires, but you seem to have a fresh new idea that will instantly draw people in. Please keep writing, good luck ! :)




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Thu Nov 03, 2011 2:22 am
RenGrey wrote a review...



Ok first off I Am In Love!!!!!!!!! This is completely original. There is noting else like it out there. I like the supernatural and gotta admit vampires are some of my favorites. This drew me in like a black hole. I had no escape. And I don't want to! Now I am dying ot read more. I loved the cliffhanger ending. Keep it up. I can tell you have brilliant ideas in store my friend. Pease update me when you post more of it. I'm addicted now.

Until next time
Go n-eri an borthar leat !




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27 Reviews


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Mon Oct 24, 2011 1:35 pm
Snoweary wrote a review...



Well, i always love stories about vampires. :D Through your story, i spotted several sentences that doesn't come out right.

I sighed, picking up the tray and leaving the room.


I think you should write, " I sighed, picked up the tray and left the room."
When i read your story, I found that you are using too many descriptions that are not necessary. For example ;
unlocking the doors, opening them, walking through and then closing and locking them again.

I sorted through my keys, selected one, shoved it in the lock and turned it until I heard that satisfying clunking sound I had grown accustomed to over the years. I slid the door open and stepped into the cell, sliding it closed again behind me.


There is a part that doesn't make sense to me

"So you're one of them. You need to drink your blood though," I said teasingly. "You'll grow weak if you don't."


Why did Chrissie need to drink her own blood?
Other than that, i like the way you ended this part of your story ( hoping to read more ) You leave readers guessing and wanting to know Chrissie's story.





Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander