z

Young Writers Society


12+

Missing

by AmeliaGryffin


I'm all alone.

I can't remember when they took me.

/////

The last thing I remember is waking up in a dark room, my neck sore from hanging unsupported. I was tied to a wooden chair, with rope that felt unusually damp around my wrists and feet. Panicked, I had thrashed around, crying out for help. My frantic movements caused the chair to rock over, bringing me to the floor with it. The concrete was cold.

I spent a few minutes awkwardly shuffling around, trying to get the chair upright again, but with no success. I was just beginning to cry for help when I heard a key turn in a lock somewhere behind me.

Click.

Desperately, I tried to turn around, but I couldn't move my head very far in that direction. What was happening behind me? What was being unlocked?

A stroke of pale orange light appeared, illuminating a small part of the room that I lay in. A loud creak pierced the air. A putrid smell filled the space around me, and I gagged because of it. It was a mix of potent garlic and what could only be described as old sweat.

Someone had opened a door.

I could hear them breathing. Deep, heavy, raspy breaths, as if they were having trouble inhaling. My head was facing the wall opposite the door, so I could see the shadow they were casting due to the orange light. A very tall, extremely thin figure, with long legs and arms. Completely still.

Just breathing.

I couldn't seem to move. I was paralysed, more scared than I had ever been in my life. Pure terror sealed my lips. The figure wasn't doing anything. I couldn't even tell if they were looking at me.

A few more agonising moments passed, before the figure slowly sighed. I could see their shoulders relax, and I saw as their arm reached to the side, as if to close the door. I snapped out of my silence.

"No wait! Please I'm here! Let me go!"

They continued to slowly move, stepping backwards and pulling the door with them, slowly blocking off the light once more.

"PLEASE NO!"

The door shut with a thud.

I heard the footsteps of the figure as it walked away. Extremely slow and heavy, almost as if it was dragging it's feet behind it. It was still breathing uneasily.

/////

Hours later? Maybe less, maybe more.

I had managed to shuffle myself round, so that I was facing where the door should be. There had been no more sounds from anything outside the door, not since the figure had left. Traces of the putrid smell were still dancing through the air.

I had searched the floor around me for anything sharp that may have allowed me to cut the rope from my wrists. But I had no such luck. My fingers had grasped nothing but cold air.

I had no idea what was going on. Desperately, I'd tried to remember the last place I was, before I had woken up. I must have been walking back from school, down the path that ran by the woods. Surely I couldn't have been far from my house. I prayed that someone had realised that I'd gone missing. I had no idea where I was, so I could only hope that someone would be able to find me.

My hands and feet had gone numb, the damp rope cutting off nearly all of my blood circulation. I wiggled my fingers in the hope of reducing the numbness.

That's when I heard it again. The sound of slow dragging, footsteps. Getting closer and closer.

My breath hitched, and I began to shake. The figure was coming back. The dull sound of the footsteps was becoming louder, little by little.

They were moving so slowly.

They drew nearer. I held my breath. The footsteps stopped. They must be outside the door.

I heard a gruesome, wet, crackling sound. Then more breathing. Maybe a little faster than last time, but still uneasy. I knew that the figure was looking at the door. Looking at me. I could sense it. My skin was crawling, and the hairs on the back of my neck were upright. Only a wall separated me and the figure. Traces of the putrid smell seeped through the cracks of the door, burning my nostrils as I continued to hold my breath. The raspy inhales were the only sounds that the figure was making. Blood thumped through my head, whirring past my ears with a deafening scream.

A wet, crackling sound. And then footsteps. Slow footsteps that were moving away from the door. The smell began to fade slightly, and I exhaled slowly. I could faintly hear the sounds of the footsteps somewhere to the right, as if the figure had continued along down a corridor. My heart rate began to slow.

Who was it? What did they want with me?

BANG

I flinched, my stomach dropping with shock. My heart began to beat furiously once more. What was that? It sounded close, very close.

BANG BANG

It came from the door. There was someone there. Desperately, I struggled on the floor, my wrists aching from being rubbed against the coarse rope.

BANG BANG BANG

Someone was trying to break down the door. The figure?

Or was it someone coming to help?

CRASH

The door burst open, swinging on its hinges. I was momentarily blinded by the orange light, as this time my face was directly in front of the door. I squinted at the light, trying to make out who was standing there.

It was the figure.

A very tall, extremely thin figure with long legs and arms.

I opened my mouth in a silent scream.

It must have been at least seven foot tall, with an oval shaped, completely hairless head. It had sickly white skin, that looked almost rubbery. Parts of the skin were hanging, baggy and wrinkled in areas where there should have been joints. Disturbingly, parts of its paper white skin were glistening, almost slimy, with what looked like sweat. The sweat drenched the figure so much that droplets of it were hanging from its extremely long, hooked, fingers.

Then there was its face.

It's hairless head was particularly wrinkled, and glistened with sweat too. But there were no eyes. Just blank skin were they should have been. No eyes, no nose, no ears. Just a mouth. A large, red, mouth with what appeared to be dozens of sharp jagged teeth, protruding from prominent fleshy gums that glistened with blood.

I couldn't move.

The creature appeared to be staring directly ahead, looking at the wall. But I was on the floor. Could it see me? Maybe it was blind, after all it had no eyes. I prayed that it would just go away.

A wet crackling noise.

The creature had turned its neck, bubbling crackling noises erupting into the air as a result of the bones cracking. It's head was facing me. 

Slowly, it's mouth turned from expressionless to a smile. A creepy, terrifying smile that showed all of its bloody teeth. It was staring at me, staring at me without any eyes, looking directly into my soul. It carried on smiling.

CLICK

I suddenly felt dizzy. Something within me had snapped, and I couldn't help but start to close my eyes as exhaustion overcame me. What had the creature done to me? Desperately I tried to fight, struggling and blinking to keep my heavy eyelids from shutting. But I was too weak.

The last thing I saw through was the figure taking steps towards me. Its feet were dragging against the concrete as it slowly bent over and reached out towards me.

//////

I woke up. My chair was upright this time. The rope around my wrists felt more damp than it had previously. The unbearable stench hung heavily in the air.

I had not woken up in darkness. The door was wide open, letting harsh orange light stream in. All I could see through the doorway was part of a corridor.

My head was heavy. I felt too groggy to be scared.

Peering through the doorway, my eyes caught on something. My heart rate began to increase again, and my head snapped up.

A white hand that had hooked fingers and glistened in the light was reaching around the doorway.

I heard a wet crackling sound.

///

Sometimes it's hear. Sometimes it isn't. The footsteps, the breathing, the crackling, the silence. It's all I hear. I wake up, it puts me to sleep, I wake up, it puts me to sleep. The blank skin where its eyes should be haunts me in my nightmares. In my dreams, the skin is sometimes peeled back to reveal the aching red flesh beneath. Sometimes I wake up with scratches and marks on my arm, with blood that matches that of its gums dripping from my arm. Sometimes hours pass by and nothing happens. Sometimes the creature is all I see. It stares into my soul and smiles. I can't move. I can't breathe. I want this to end, I want to die. Why has no one found me yet?

Isn't someone missing me?


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7 Reviews


Points: 296
Reviews: 7

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Sat Apr 29, 2017 5:57 pm
ashotto wrote a review...



This was a very intense story. The suspense increased as the story built up, and I like the use of '///' in between time periods. Personally, I loved the first little chapter of the story most as it set up the story really well and increased the sense of mystery.

There were a few elements that I wasn't too fond of. I think perhaps you should focus more on your descriptions, as the story moved very fast but very little was described fully. On top of that, perhaps there should be a more emotional bond between the reader and the protagonist. I feel like it was difficult to connect with the character and there was little deep emotional thoughts that could've given the story more impact.

Another thing to perhaps think about is your use of onomatopoeia. By writing 'BANG' and 'CRASH' in capital letters, and generally writing them at all, took out the suspense quite a bit. Before, in the first small chapter, you simply wrote 'Click.' which I found intense and impactful. But when you wrote these in capitals, without punctuation, the story lost the essential element of suspense.

Other than these minor details, I still really enjoyed your story (and your description of the creature was very well done). Keep writing.




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91 Reviews


Points: 1937
Reviews: 91

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Sat Apr 15, 2017 7:44 am
Kazumi wrote a review...



Hello Amelia, it's me outvaders, just passing by for a review.

This work caught my eye because I saw it was in the "horror" category. If I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm pretty fond of horror stories. You know, stories by Lovecraft, Poe and Ito. Horror stories aren't really popular here in YWS, so I didn't see why I shouldn't review this boy. I was pretty excited for this, since your first sentences were pretty strong. However, I was a little disappointed by the end of this story. I wasn't scared at all, because this story did a few things that took away the tension of the story.

I'll start off with a smaller one first: those atrocious sound effects. What's a better way to defuse the tension than BANG BANG BANG CRASH? I mean, what is this? Some 80's Marvel comic? It doesn't sound scary at all. Simply tell your readers that there was a bang at that door. That should be enough because your story already set the spooky mood. Going with BANG BANG BANG CRASH will just kill that mood.

The villain of this story is also a problem, because he doesn't seem to pose a threat to the main character. To be fair, I do imagine him to be scary, thanks to your pretty solid descriptions. However, just what horrible acts is Bubbleman here capable of inflicting upon our main character? Was he even the one who put the main character in this situation? He seems to be there just for display, because so far it seems like he didn't do anything imminently threatening to the character. To be fair, he does put to sleep and hurt the main character, as mentioned in the last paragraph. But is that all he can do? He already looks so scary and all he does is scratch the main character? That's a little sad. It would have been way cooler if those scratches were infected with some poison that would destroy the main character's sanity. Because the villain of the story isn't too threatening to the main character, there are little to no distinct narrative stakes, leading to no tension in the story. That's bad for a horror story like this.

The last thing I want to talk about here is how this horror story doesn't immerse the reader in the horrified state of mind of the main character. Your story is only scary on a physical level, a surface level. It's only scary to us the viewers because we imagine the situation he is in to be scary. It's scary to be trapped in a cell with some scary-looking Bubbleman, so we the viewers can get an idea of that.

However, we the viewers do not feel the mental strain experienced by the main character by being in this situation. For example, what exactly does it feel like when the Bubbleman "stares into my soul?" Well, I do have an idea of how it feels like, because I've stared off a few people in an argument and vice versa. However, this case is different: this is a spawn of the devil right in front of the main character. He must be scared sh*tless by then. But I just don't feel how scared he is. You just state the broad idea of "staring into the soul" and leave it at that, never bothering to go into specifics. Thus, it doesn't generate a lot of tension.

Really, it's a shame because you didn't capitalize on one of the biggest strengths of literature, which is how easily it can get into the character's mind. That's what makes horror fiction work so well. It doesn't help either that I've seen better horror that capitalizes on that advantage of written stories.

All in all, your story isn't scary enough for me because of some poor sound effects, an un-menacing villain, and a failed attempt to get into the main character's mind. These things I mentioned above take away that tension, or add nothing to that tension. Again and again, I've mentioned the word "tension." Tension, tension, tension. This what makes readers love horror stories. They enjoy the tension felt in the fearful situations of these narratives. Once can you add tension to your horror stories, maybe by doing away with these flaws that I mentioned, then surely your story will be a little more spooky for your viewers.

-outvaders






As patronising as this is, you still gave me lots of good tips. Thank you :)



Kazumi says...


Hey, no problem. Hit me up with that PM when you have some more juicy horror in here mmm

Happy Easter btw





Happy Easter xx



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16 Reviews


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Reviews: 16

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Fri Apr 14, 2017 3:06 am
thepapermonster wrote a review...



Okay, this is long, and more of my experience than a review.
Creepy. You did a great job unnerving me. In the first few paragraphs I was actually nervous.
The pace is great, it adds to the unnerving aspect of horror.
You could do some sound effects in italics.
Having the character on the ground unable to see what is behind, well, I just have to say, actually congratulate. THAT. WAS. AWESOME. You’re someone who does their horror homework.
The description of the strange smell was on point, I actually smelled it (unfortunately).
I was literally filled with terror during the bit the person was just standing there for the first few minutes.
The paragraph about the character thinking back to where they were before going missing allowed us some kind of desperate hope but a lot of helplessness as they have to rely on other’s to save them.
The second arrival of the capture was filled with suspense that made my stomach turn. But by that time I was just waiting for it to do something,
This story works well for people with great imaginations. That part with the BANG made me jump.
Seven “feet” tall sounds better.
Your description of the creature is so good it will give me nightmares. I love it.
The ending was not necessarily a satisfying one but one I would expect from a horror story. I just can’t get over the feeling that it could have been better.
Altogether this was great. I love horror stories, because I like to call myself a horror writer, but I can only hope that someday I'm as great as this.
Keep Writing.
- MNSTR




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Points: 350
Reviews: 9

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Thu Apr 13, 2017 5:48 pm
naxoll wrote a review...



Hi. This is a very good short story - it doesn't have any wasted passages, and the feelings and thoughts of the MC are conveyed clearly, so I can easily picture the story in my head. I only have two things to say about the story.

Although I felt that the story was quite suspenseful and thrilling, I didn't get a sense of horror from it - I think this was because I never felt as if the MC was in any real danger throughout the story. Maybe if the thin creature had acted more maliciously/violently/strangely towards the MC (or at least hinted towards acting in this way), it would have been scarier. For example, maybe if the creature had approached the MC and attempted to grab the MC, leading to a reaction from the MC, it would have been scarier.

"A few more agonising moments passed, before the figure slowly sighed" - the way the figure acts in this sentence almost makes me pity it, and I don't know if you were trying to achieve that reaction, as it contradicts the description of the figure in the rest of the passage.

Despite saying all of this, I think this story is really very good, and I'm probably nitpicking with my comments.

MC = main character





True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown