Published July 31, 2013
I dream of being a dancer. If I am deemed beautiful, then I shall have my wish.
Today is my day. Today is my Judgement Day. For anyone who doesn't know, Judgement Day is the most important day of any Glen citizen's life. Judgement Day tells where you will be placed; if one will be Sinclaire, the highest class and the life of luxury, as I am now. But, one could also be Vanderbilt, York, or Fredrick. Or even worse, Unnamed. Unnamed are the lowest of the low, not even pretty enough to be classed at all.
I know I will be Sinclaire, of course, or a high Vanderbilt, since I am from one of the wealthiest, most dignified, most beautiful families in all of Glen.
I dress in my best clothes, a white blouse and slim white pants, as white is the custom; it suits everyone. My golden hair has been curled and brushed, and my face is devoid of makeup. I am not allowed to wear any as the Judging is based on natural beauty only.
"Katarine," my mother says, looking in my door. Some would say she popped her head in, but my mother does not pop. She has the posture of a regal queen. "Are you quite ready?"
"Yes, Mother." I fasten diamond earrings to my ears. She floats into my room, holding a box in her hands. "I had this for my day, and now I pass it on to you."
I open the lid and look at the necklace inside. It is a single circular disk, less than an inch in length. It is silver and shining, like a drop of moonlight has pooled to form the charm. "Oh, Mother..."
She smiles and helps me fasten it around my neck, where it sits in the hollow of my throat.
"Do not worry, Katarine," she says. "You are a Sinclaire, and you are gorgeous. You will do fine, love."
"Yes, Mother."
"Now be off. And no running. A lady never runs."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sit on the bus to the Town Hall with my best friend. I look out the window, pretending not to hear her comments on everyone on the bus, judging them herself.
"Oh, look at him," Arabelle says under her breath, looking at the Unnamed in the front of the bus. "He would be cute if he were not slum."
I follow her gaze. There are two boys in the very front seats, obviously of some relation. One has curly dark hair that is too long, nearly to his shoulders, but I know she is talking about the other one. He has a strong jaw, and bright, bright green eyes that stand out against his nearly black hair and tan skin. He's been hardened by the streets, tall and all lean muscle. Arabelle's right. He would be very cute if he were of upper class.
I roll my eyes, "If he were Vanderbilt you would not give him the time of day."
"Oh, you are right, I want a Sinclaire." She continues to stare at him through her extraordinarily long lashes. "But he is nice to look at. If he doesn't get classed, I bet he would go prostitute."
"Arabelle!" I am slightly horrified. A Sinclaire should never talk of prostitution in public.
She laughs, attracting attention from the entire bus. I feel my cheeks heat, but Arabelle doesn't care. I have no idea what class she will be put in. If she keeps up like this, then she may be bumped down to Vanderbilt, or even York. She'll be hard pressed to get back into Sinclaire if she keeps speaking of prostitutes.
Her looks are borderline as well.
Her hair used to be nearly as long as mine, but recently she cut it to chin-length, and while it is the color of oatmeal, it is very shiny. Her eyes are a boring brown, but her eyelashes. They're long enough to sweep a floor, and touch her cheekbones when she blinks. Those lashes may be her saving grace.
"Look at him!"
I refuse to look at the slum boy again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Wow. I have so much to say! Good things of course! This was awesome. It's definitely taken my breath away, along with my sense of speech.

Where to start...
First off, I love how proud the narrator is of herself and her class. She worries about her class's image when a Sinclaire does something unprofessional. She is similar to what I imagine high class to think like. Even the way she talks is high class. Also, I love the way you described her mother, all graceful and superior. I love it!
Secondly, your descriptions are awesome! I love this bit:
"It is a single circular disk, less than an inch in length. It is silver and shining, like a drop of moonlight has pooled to form the charm." I immediately get the image of a drop of moonlight pooling to form a charm! Great!
I sense some kind of romance sparking. You wouldn't just mention that slum boy for no reason, correct?
Also, I have a feeling something bad will happen to her on her Judgement. Is she going to mess up or something? Will there be some kind of big event, making her mess up? You've sucked me in your story now! Please let me know when you post the next part!
Keep writing more and good luck!
~R
This was so interesting! I like the whole idea of the story, with the whole Judgement Day and such. It sort of reminds me of a combination of Divergent and Matched. Sort of. Well anyway, I am looking forward to reading more. Hopefully soon?
Love,
Meghan
I really enjoyed reading this!

I agree with Noelle, when she mentioned that the first two sentences seem slightly out of place. Maybe, instead of being specific about what Katarine dreams of being (ie. a dancer), you could emphasize the fact that her judgement depends on where she will go in life.
I like the way you've written the story in the present-tense, because that does give the point of the story a foreign 'feel', if you know what I'm saying. I write all of my stories in past-tense, which can sometimes complicate the flow of the story.
I also believe that Katarine is a very consistent character. She has that superficial, mightier-than-thou attitude that is very interesting to read. But, even though she may behave that way, I like her immediately, because I can tell that she is a kind person by the end of the chapter, even in the slightest of ways.
I hope that in future chapters, there will be more details about the surroundings. But I understand that the first chapter is supposed to draw people in, not scare them away by details. I know this to an extensive degree, because I do the same thing.
For Katarine's Judgement, I imagine that is a big deal for her. When I'm nervous or anxious for an exciting occurrence, I often focus on my surroundings, and try to capture a mental picture of what's going on around me. I think that will really help the readers understand the scenes around Katarine.
That said, I look forward to reading more of this story. I really enjoyed it!
With Love,
Paige
Hi there!
This is a very interesting beginning. I like how you've thrown us into this world and let us assume things by ourselves. Besides the explanation of the different classes, you give us almost no information. This intrigues me, obviously, because I want to know more about this Judgement Day (nice name by the way) and the story of this girl. Without giving us too much information, you've set the scene for the story perfectly. I gives you two thumbs up!
Onto a few comments I have:
This is great insight into the main character, but it seems a bit out of place. I don't really understand the whole wanting to be a dancer thing. Okay, so the main character wants to be a dancer. Now what does that mean for the plot? Can only Sinclaire's become dancers? If you're not beautiful can you not become a dancer? I guess I'm saying that there needs to be more of a reference to being a dancer in the story. Who knows, maybe it'll come up later. But that's just something I wanted to point out.
First off, the dialogue spoken by her mother at the end should be a new paragraph; otherwise it seems like your main character is saying it. Second, I think the word 'day' should be capitalized. I am assuming that when she says 'day' she is talking about her own Judgement Day. In order to make that perfectly clear, it should be capitalized. Otherwise it'll be read as just another day, nothing special about it.
From the impression I got of Sinclaires earlier in this chapter, I can't see one of them riding a bus into town. I imagine them in a limo or maybe a fancy car, but never on a bus. Is it because that's the only transportation into town? I don't know, I just can't see it.
Overall this is a great start. I say great because you've really drawn me in and I'm excited to read the rest. Please let me know when the next chapter is out!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello! Thank you for your comment. Just to clear a few things up, the dancer thing comes up later, it's pretty important. Second, thank you for catching that about Mother/necklace. I'm typing on my phone so I didn't see it. Third, about the bus, everyone takes the bus to town hall for Judgement Day. Sinclaires get the back, and then Vanderbilt, then Franklin, then York, and Unnamed get the front. Thanks, <3 Amelia