Loved it, amazing, great................ i want more of this. like a daily dose
Keep up, it's totally promising !!!!
More please.
:D
Previously titled: 'he liked to hit me there.'
Thanks everyone who's reviewed I am so grateful and soooo happy to get it featured. You'll be happy to know ( i hope) that their is a second part planned...maybe even a third. Perhaps I should make it into a little novel...who knows!
Anyway, thanks so much!
***
He liked to hit me there. He’d thump me with his iron fists, shatter a good few ribs, bruise my woman breasts a deep yellow. Perhaps it brought him a sort of sadistic satisfaction.
When my belly had become noticeably full, he spared me such indignities. He directed his brutal knuckles to my face only. The blows were just as painful, though somehow less humiliating.
I hadn’t told him I was with child. I had just let my belly swell. When the fact that I was pregnant became unquestionably perceptible, he’d given me his harsh, piercingly cold glare, which said: ‘so, I’ve another mouth to feed.’ He then binged on an entire bottle of odourless vodka.
I would’ve told him. Only, he is not the father of the child inside of me. I would be a dead woman if he knew. Well, I am as good as. You see, the baby growing inside of me will be born dark-skinned with tightly curled hair.
My husband and I are both pale and fair. The dreadful truth is that I am eight months pregnant with a black man’s baby.
My name is Dion, the year is nineteen-fifty-three, and I have had my Jaw, my Nose, and my Ribs broken so many times I have lost count.
***
His name is Jehu Scout. I married him at the naive age of seventeen, and bore our first child, my daughter Hyacinth, at eighteen.
He’s an unsuccessful writer, who drowns our financial sorrows in daily bouts of obscene drunkenness. He’s a hypocritical, violent, brutal man. My body bears the proof of this fact: the healed fractures, the rich bruising, the wounds, the scars. Quite unfortunately, I am a living testimony of his mercilessness.
Hyacinth is a beautiful girl: inquisitive and energetic, with wavy blonde hair just like my own. At six years, she tires me often.
It is shameful: the fact that she knows and understands what Daddy does to Mummy. She does not deserve the turmoil with which her curious little mind is swamped.
Her gleaming blue eyes full of anxiety, Hyacinth will tap at my waist, ask, ‘did Daddy hurt you?’
I’ll brush away the angry tears – the tears of a woman, belittled, made fragile – brimming my eyes, sniffle, say, ‘Daddy’s upset, Hyacinth, that’s all.’
I will picture Jehu, slouched against the bar of the local pub, splurging the few pennies he earns shifting coal, brawling, downing pint after pint. Tears threaten once again. I will clench my jaw and purse my lips to restrain them, to keep them from spilling.
You see, if I cry, I will have succumbed.
I am not weak.
I will never succumb.
Loved it, amazing, great................ i want more of this. like a daily dose
Keep up, it's totally promising !!!!
More please.:D
Meh...I have to admit. I don''t really like it that much. The syntax is unfavorable (at least to me) and just the whole general plotline of the entire story is messed up. you go from "he beats me" to "i'm pregnant again" to "i'm pregnant with another man's baby" to "our child suffers so much from our fights". Unless this is like a prequel then it doesn't make very much sense to me to structure the story like this. Don't get me wrong this definitely has potential. however the way you structured the story from beginning to end could use work.
I liked this story! Beautiful ! 
I loved the plot and all. Please keep it up girrl ! =D I would really really have liked it to continue though 
'Cause it's very intriguing. I do wanna know what will happen next, why she hasnt left him, how come she's pregnant of a black man's child...yeah it would be good if you could make it longer. =)
Well, I am as good as one.
I'm greatly sickened by the attraction of women to abusive men. You hate him, but you don't leave. I believe I understand why women(ie, the MC) don't, can't leave, simply beyond just fear. I'm not going to say anything else, I'll just end up rambling about my philosophies...
But, I kind of liked the story, in some ways no. I was first pulled in by the plot of an abusive husband/boyfriend, but, I don't know... an affair(would it be considered that?)? The rating should maybe be 16, too. Something just didn't quite sit with me. Perhaps I'm subconsciously a sick racist, or I'm just unsympathetic. Actually it might be because I don't like the acknowledgment of race. It's the root of racism. Okay, I'm rabling...sorry.
I just don't think this story is appropriate in the current time. Time to move on. Feelings in the past never die as long as you acknowledge it, and that includes racism. By bringing the topic up over an over again, it breeds racism. The feelings of the past can always come up(in this case racism). Some parts of history just be moved on from. Then again, history always repeats itself...
I do realize some of the hypocrisy in my post, but it was necessary to portray the fact.
--Skis
PS: I'm not in the best mood right now. Take the post(mine) as neutral information from a snobby critic 
. And, if you yourself are in an abusive relationship, tell somebody.
This was really good I loved it and I don't want anyone to take this in a bad way but I like stories like this that tell about someone being in abusive situations, I so easily can relate. So I think this was very good and I loved the way you wrote it but I do have one question, would you mind if I wrote more or maybe wrote a story along similiar lines. I do not know if I would post it on YWS but just something to start and play around with? Please PM me with reply.
Thanks for posting I'll make it a task to look at more of your writing!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Omg. This was so powerful. And I so can relate. I've been in abusive relationships myself. But the one thing I had a problem with was the MC, she didn't have a name. I would've liked her to have a name so I could make a better connection. And I also think this should be longer. Like maybe her leaving her husband and going to live with the guy she had the baby by. Or something. I WANT MORE!!!! Other than that this was really good. Good Luck. And Keep Writing!!!
Excellent story. Although I do have one nitpick:
bruise my woman breasts
I liked this. ^^ I think you did a good job, really getting us into the main character's head. There are just a couple things that I think could be even better... They're all pretty much entirely optional, though. XD
I think that the paragraphs where you describe Jehu and the daughter, you might be able to use a little more showing. Like, instead of just saying that he was a struggling author, maybe set the scene for us a little more. Show him sitting at the table when things aren't going well, reaching for the bottle... and then reaching for her with his fists.
I didn't notice until just now, but this is mostly the main character's reflections on things, isn't it. Not really a once-upon-a-time/the-end story... And that's not a bad thing. But I think some people might draw more of a connection to the story if there was something... else. Meh. Not sure how to express myself. But, if something in particular spurred on this musing to herself. If you give us the sense that something important and different happened, or is going to happen. Basically, if you give us the sense that something is about to change.... Or, if she's really trapped in this relationship, she could make a decision that leads to nothing changing. She could be about to run with her daughter, or the baby's father could want her to run with him and she refuses, or the baby's father could end up killing her husband (if he really cares about her) and she could feel conflicted about that... Basically, there are a lot of places you could go with this to make it even more meaningful.
Also, I too would've liked more of an explanation about the father. Is he someone who really cares about her? Or are they using each other? What is his relationship to the family? (works for them, or does the husband not know him at all?) One night stand? Is he excited to be a father, or terrified of her husband? Cowardly or courageous? Will he fight for her or turn and run? If he got the main character pregnant, that makes him important. And readers like to know things about important people. And in some cases, unimportant people.
Nice job. Keep up the good work. ^^
I can see this as being possible to both continue it and also to keep it the way it is. I'm not sure if you planned to make it into a novel or not or even just add another part, but either way it is truly beautiful and I don't think it really need more if you want to keep it a short story.
It's very sad. The whole time period mention I thought was pretty cool. I thought it was just in present day, and adding the time period kind of changed some things. But didn't all woman get married at age eighteen or even earlier back then? So was she really naive?
I had to look up Succumb because I had no clue what it meant. So good use of vocabulary, because I never have to look up words for stories on this site. Nor do I really bother to look up words so the fact that I looked up a word for your story means I really liked it.
Great job! It was truly beautiful!
...........I don't care about the title. XP (it's fine.)
This is good as-is. I know from experience that if you try to draw it out, the rest may not be as good. (This has happened to me.)
However, if you do get inspiration for a continuation, you should take it and run with it. This could also be good stretched out.
Me, I like it short and sweet. That way I can enjoy it without feeling overwhelmed by the volume.
That was very well written! I like that you made it very short, giving us hardly any knowledge of your MC except for a name and a vague appearance. I think if I were to give any critique it would be that I think you should include a scene where Jehu is in the action of hitting Dion, to give us a clear sense of just how monstrous he could be.
I also agree with Kagi, the title is too juvenile for the deep matter you're referring to. And also, the beginning line should be changed a bit along with it, because you didn't really describe exactly where 'there' is.
Good work
~BTM
I like this just the way it is. Short,heartfelt and beautiful.
I really wouldn't touch it, you have it at it's peel and it's truely amazing, you've go talent.
The only thing that I didn't like was a minor problem. For such a beautiful story the title doesn't do it justice. I think a more inventive and deep title will give it that final polish.
I like how you write it so matter of factly and yet, there are loads of detail hidden throughout. I really like this so I'm on my to the like button.
Good job!
Kagi x
Beautifully written. I think maybe The woman should tell the daugter the truth about what Daddy does to Mommy and get her out of that home though, just saying if you make another chapter or something. It's very sad that she's to scared of him to tell him the truth about the man whose baby she holds. I love this story though. I hope you decide to write more.
Wow. Wow. Wow. I loved this! You did a very good job writing this and I NEED to read more
I didn't find any major errors and I thought the flow and pace of this story was very good.
--just an idea...maybe you could tell more about the other father? Because you mention him once, but it would be nice to know more about him. But hey it's your story
Keep going!
-Jessa
Dear god this was beautiful!!! I want to read more like sooon!!! I hope you plan on adding more to this it would turn out amazing!!!!! Good luck with this because it totally blew me away haha. Good luck with your reviews and Keep up the amazing work!!! I can't wait to read more of your pieces!!! Happy Writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
HI, well, I wasn't sure whether to write more - do you think I need to? I kind of liked it short and sweet. Please let me know what you think.
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