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Young Writers Society



Killer In Seattle

by Amberstar786


Killer in Seattle

“Sarah?” My mother’s voice sounds over the ruckus in the T.V. “Sarah get to bed! It’s late!”

“Fine, Mom just let me finish my news report.” I shouted through the double bathroom separating our rooms. “C’mere Sophie!” I call to my dog. The Pomeranian waddles up to me, then hops on my bed, staring blankly on the television. The announcer’s voice fills the room.

“We now have a warning to all living in Seattle.” I immediately look up from my dog as he says the name of my city. I stare wide-eyed at the flashing screen as the man continues. “A murderer has escaped the prison and is heading your way. I suggest locking all doors and staying away from windows.” I immediately shifted myself away from the glass panes on the wall beside my bed. I quickly switched the television off and hugged my dog tightly around the neck. The only sound was my mom’s snores and Sophie’s panting. After a few minutes of silence I carefully lower my dog to the floor and she skittered under my bed to her cushion.

I lay awake for a few minutes, panic still gripping me. “S-Sophie?” I say quietly. “I have an idea.” I lower my hand under the bed. Sophie’s muzzle and wet nose greets me. “Lick me once if the killer is in our neighborhood okay?” Sophie sniffles in response. “Then lick me again if he’s on our street. Then again if he’s in our house. Okay?” Sophie barks softly.

I settle myself under my covers, starting to calm down. In about 20 minutes, I begin to drift off to sleep. Then a wet tongue licks my fingers. Immediately jolting awake I shove myself farther under my comforter, still letting my hand lie near Sophie’s bed. I slowly drift into a troubled sleep until another lick is swept across my palm. Tears start to form in my eyes. A robber, on my street.

“Well....” I murmur to Sophie. “I-It’s not like he’s coming for us... right?” I sigh and roll back under my sheets. This time I can’t sleep. Then one last lick brushes my hand. I immediately jump out of my bed and run toward the double bathroom separating my mom’s room from mine. Wrenching the door handle I dash into the bathroom- and stop dead in my tracks. There was Sophie. Dead and mangled on the bathroom counter. I slammed into the wall behind me in shock. A shuffling sound comes from my mother’s room. Looking in the mirror I see a man holding a knife I’m frozen in fear as he starts toward me, a smirk on his face. I try to scream..... But all that comes out is blood. The man stands over my dying body. Then he utters four last words.

“Humans can lick too.”


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701 Reviews


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Fri Apr 01, 2022 1:06 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

First and foremost, a person simply cannot write a story during dying. So, that is a huge contradiction here. When you kill a person in story, it's better to write it in third person. That way, you can describe the feelings of the person and at the same time, there will be logic.

C’mere Sophie

Just a personal opinion but I guess come here sounds better.

Talking about the plot, I definitely wasn't expecting that plot twist. When third time Sophie licked, it already successfully created a lot of terrors among the readers but when we got to know that the murderer was the actual person, I was actually quite surprised and shocked. I didn't even think of it.

I wonder a bit about it. When did the murderer actually come and when did the murderer start licking the person? The first lick actually seems to belong to the dog, Sophie. I wonder from the second lick. Maybe from the second lick, the murderer started licking. Again it made me wonder about something else. Since when is the murderer there? Since the time when the MC was telling Sophie? Perhaps or otherwise it's highly unlikely for him to know.

How did the murderer kill Sophie? Dogs are kind of very sensitive animals. And just next to Sophie was the alert MC. So, it's a very hard thing to remove Sophie from there and kill it. I still wonder how it happened.

Now the last and the most important questions. Why did the murderer kill the MC? Like murderers do not kill people without any reason. They generally have malice or some grudge against the victim. I am not at all sure but I guess you were referring to a serial killer rather than a murderer. Overall, it was a great story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:31 pm
Metalmauzen wrote a review...



I agree with Sionarama's review on most parts, though I've got some things to add to that

Telling your dog to lick you when a killer is in the street and believing that it will, isn't very realistic either.

This story also felt rushed to me. I would expand a little more on the quiet details so the ending comes more of a shock. You could describe her room, though not in too much detail, as she enters it. You could add that she brushes her teeth before she goes to bed. That way you already can give a description of the bathroom and create more shock when the next time Sarah enters the bathroom she finds her dog in it.

I wouldn't say it is un-original though. I've never read or heard of a story like this before. So good job on that.




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Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:34 am
Sionarama wrote a review...



Hi Amber and I will be reviewing you!
Loved the story (even though it might not seem like it during my "inspection) and was chilled at the end.
Problems:
1) Tense-you switched from Present to Past. You need to stay in one tense.
2) Showing, not telling. You need to make sure you show the audience, not tell.
3) Unrealistic-ness. If I were Sarah I would wake my mom up the instant I heard it and left Seattle forever. Even though if she did, there wouldn't be a story.
4) Originality. I'm sorry to tell you this because you probably thought of this all on your own, I have already heard this story (albeit a bit differently) a lot. There is a murderer on the loose (or not) a lady has a pet that licks their hand. They get up and see the pet dead and the murderer who had been in their house the entire time licking their hand instead of the pet. Scary, check. Originality, no. Unless of course you put this in re-making (or whatever) the story.
Besides these things you have a great story. To tell you the truth I could feel my heart hammering inside of my chest at the end (even though it was predictable). You did a fair show of making the story alive and making a character I felt bad for and scared with. I could find no grammar errors.
Great Job!!!!





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