Published October 5, 2010
Ashley , the head cheerleader of the school's cheerleading squad was walking across the hallway in Newly Bravermen High . About a thousand eyes were staring at her. Along side her was Lisa and Brielle , her two best friends and fellow cheerleading mates.
Lisa :Woah,we are so popular !
Brielle :I know right ! Its like we're the most wanted people in the school ..
Ashley :And it is all thanks to me , right?
Lisa :Yeah right , Me and Brielle are cheerleaders too remember?
Ashley :Oh yeah , forgive me , I forgot.
Brielle :Hey look ! Do you guys recognize that blondie over there?
Lisa :She must be that Ellie girl that Mrs.Williams was talking about, the exchange student.
About half of the school's boy population looked at her like she was an angel sent from heaven
Ashley :We can't let her take my limelight away! I mean , our limelight .
Brielle :Yeah ,but I do admit she is like an angel with her wavy blonde hair , blue eyes ..
Lisa :And curvy body !
Ashley :No! She isn't an angel ! No! I'm prettier ! Look at me !
Brielle :Everyone's attention is turned to Ellie , how can anyone notice you.
Lisa :Yeah , I wanna get to know her , she seems nice.
Brielle :Agreed , lets go Lisa.
Ashley :Nobody get's to talk to her! I don't want that show-off mixing with you guys ! I don't want her to brain-wash and do more damage to you guys!
Lisa :So now your saying that our brains are damaged ?! Thanks alot Ashley , thanks.
Brielle :You can't always make us do what you wan't , our body is in our control , not yours.
Lisa and Brielle walked towards Ellie. Ellie waved at them and they waved back
Lisa :Hi , you must be Ellie , welcome to Newly Braverman High.
Ellie :Yeah I'm Ellie ,Thanks you so much!
Brielle :So where are you from , Sweden ?
Ellie :No , Im from California , United Kingdom .
Lisa :Oh , that's cool , I love the beaches there .
Ellie :Oh yeah, the beaches are beautiful .
Brielle :So , we can hang out sometime , at the mall on Thursday maybe?
Ellie :Yeah , wait a second , I thought there was three of you , What about the Red-Head girl?
Lisa :Oh , you mean Ashley ? She was too stubborn to come up to you.
Ellie :What a bummer , by the way , I didn't get your names .
Brielle :Im Brielle Swavorski and she's Lisa Woodley .
Ellie :And I'm Ellie Heavens , but you already know my name .
Lisa :Nice name , I like it !
Brielle : Lisa , we gotta go , its time for French class .
Lisa :Bye Ellie , we gotta go , back to Ashley and to French class .
Ellie :Okay , Nice meeting you guys , bye !
Brielle :Bye !
Ashley :So how was the little chat with Ms.Show-Off..
Brielle :She was really nice ! I love her ..
Ashley :More than me?
Brielle :Maybe ?
Lisa :I told you so Ashley.
Ashley :I bet she's a dim-witted girl that never has friends to hang out with .
Lisa :Oh and Ashley , Brielle , Ellie and me are going to the mall on Thursday ..
Ashley : I thought we all already made plans to go to the water park ?
Brielle :We changed our minds , we want to go out with a more selfless girl.
Lisa :Ashley , What you want is not what you get .
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
O.K. I pretty much just agree with roal, but I thought if two people tell you the same thing you might believe it more. I already really like the idea, but you did forget your character development. Ashly, was just a bit too obvious for my liking. Yes I get that she is the head cheerleader and she is a snob, but that is very stereo type. I have never actually met a head cheer leader that was that bad. I know you want to get your point across, but I would make it less obvious.
I know this is the first scene, but I want to know more about your other characters. What are they really like? You seem to be focusing in on Ashly the snob and ignoring the other characters personalities. You also seemed a bit rushed. It seemed like Brielle and Lisa were suddenly defiant. Like they never had been before and now they were a ton, and I have never made a friend that fast. I have always talked at least a little bit more before inviting them over.
Sorry this was so short,
A. S.
Hah! A script about your average cheerleader? I like this already
Wait what? She's from Ca, UK?????????? D:
I never knew that there was a Cali in the United Kingdom.
I can't really say anything much about this rather than the character seems very... actable? That's not even a word but yes, lol.
You should at least describe a little bit more about the character's personality.
EX:
When you're doing the description or like what is happening, how 'bout trying like this:
Not forcing, just try if you like it or not because that's the way I use for scripts. You can just leave it the way it is, either way it's fine.
When they're talking, try to describe if they move their hands on their hips or just saying it sarcastically/etc.
EX:
Overall,
I'm hoping to read some more of this :]
... that's not even an overall.
The story/plot/something is very normal, not all... extreme and all that. Yeah... I don't know what else to say, what a great reviewer I am :L
EDIT:
Okay, I just notice something I forgot to tell you, for this:
Character development.
Even though they just met each other for like... five minutes or so, suddenly they became friends and decided to go out somewhere and stuff, it's kind of going a little bit too fast.
You could have done it where they started to hang out with the new girls a lot more AND THEN go out somewhere.