The girl sat in silence, staring at the rain. She was afraid, if she was not careful, that her tears would soon start to fall as fast, and as hard as the rain she was watching. But, she could not, and would not let that happen.
She refused. She could not drop her act. Not even now. Not even when she was alone. If she did, it would slip when she wasn’t. Drawing her knees to her chest, she began to rock back and forth. She let her mind wonder.
She looked at her life. She didn’t like what she saw there. She always felt alone, even when she was surrounded by people. Deep down, she knew why. It was because no one knew her, saw her for who she really was. They saw what they wanted to see, nothing more, nothing less. There were days, like today, when the stress of all their expectations was too much to take. So, she stared at the rain. Willing her problems to go away, hoping with all her might that they would, that they could. She shut her eyes tight. She hoped when she opened them again, that she could be something else, feel something else. She wanted the emptiness to go away. She wanted to feel something other than the constant pain and loneliness she was used to. She opened her eyes. Nothing had changed. She let out a long, slow sigh. Again, she stared at the rain. Suddenly in the silence, she heard the words she hadn’t thought of in years.
“Lo, I am with you always.” She jumped and turned quickly, sure that someone was there. She had heard the words so clearly… But, no one was there. She was still alone. “Lo, I am with you always.” She remembered reading the words long ago. Once again, she stared at the rain. And she remembered, she didn’t have to be alone, to feel alone.
“Lo, I am with you always.”
20Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Sounds a lot like my poem "Voices", except a lot less dark. Can't wait to read the second part.
Thanks so much for the reviews! They helped alot!
Yes, the insperation came from the Bible verse, but it also came from experience.
Like the protaganist, I have been completly alone and have heard things out of nowhere. I thought I was crazy, but it was always something I needed to hear, maybe a verse to a song that would cheer me up, or something that I had read.. Like someone was behind me whispering it in my ear.. So, I just put those together and this was the result.. Again, thank you both for the reveiws!
Everyone always beats me to the errors! But, it seems that he pointed out the important problems. However, I do have a suggestion.
When posting a short story, it's good to write in paragraph form. Your breaks are after every sentence, and it almost looks like a poem. If you like the way it looks, you might want to consider changing the tag from "story" to "poem", so it would make more sense. I'm assuming this is some type of unseen entity story? I read one yesterday, and like this one, it spoke to me. Thanks for sharing.
~Panda;;
Hi.
I actually didn't expect that I'll be making a review tonight lol.
I've got nitpicks for you:
- You don't need a comma after before and after 'and as hard'.
- Formally, you should put a comma after 'But'.
- Anyway, I think, this would sound better (and more dramatic xD) if you wrote it this way: 'But, she could and would not let that happen.
- I think the 2nd phrase in this sentence should stand alone.
- This sentence makes the reader (at least, me) feel disconnected from the story. Maybe, rephrasing could help? It seems pretty hard to do though.
- Ooh. I love the drama here, especially the connection between these two lines that causes it.
- Formally, you should put a comma after 'So'.
- I suggest rewriting this to: 'She hoped that when she opened them again, she could be something else, feel something else.'.
- By the way, I like this line.
- Put a comma after 'Lo'. (Same goes for the other two repetitions)
- Put a comma after 'But'.
- This one last repetition of the line could sound better, I think, if you added 'once more' or something like that after 'rain'.
- Formally (again xD), you should put a comma after 'And'.
I like this story.
Anyway, I love the simplicity of it and the drama and emotion.