One of the lucky ones

Paul here!

This was a neat story, though I didn't love it as much as I liked it, if that makes any sense. I'll go ahead and get the critique out of the way.

*

Except for the giant whole my sister’s murderer blew through my heart.

But, on the inside we were like day and night. I had always been calm, and level headed, patient… things like that just came naturally to me. Katrina however, she was a different story. She was short tempered, and impulsive. She often did things without thinking.

Hey there.

I like the theme of your story and it is quite sweet about the love and sacrifice of Christy. Good work there!

However, I think you could add more emotional elements to this somehow. Make me feel sorry for the loss of the twin, add some background about how they shared everything and they were inseparable and couldn't be without each other. That would make me feel sad and ask questions about how she will cope after the death.

And lastly, the bit about the the blond man with the gun. Is he holding the gun up in the parking lot?

Is he just dumb? If I was a killer, I wouldn't hold people at gunpoint in a public parking lot. Maybe you could have the guy follow them home. Somewhere a little private and think of an idea on how the other twin escapes and a man rescues them. Perhaps the doorbell rings and Christy yells out and the other twin protects her, he shoots and kills then runs for it...

I feel like I'm hijacking your story now. I'll stop. But it was still a very enjoyable read! Keep writing, it will keep you sane.

~ T.K

Hey!

I really like this! It's catching, intriguing and easy to follow.

I think the concept is great, it's a bit cliché, but you made it original with your writing.

So red means that it's gramatically incorrect, or that I didn't like it.
Green are my suggestions.
Purple is me explaining my points, I tried to use just one purpe, but I failed. So all purple is just purple, there aren't different categories within the purple.

“One of the lucky ones?” I repeated dumbly. This is lucky? I thought.

“Yes my dear, this could have been much, much worse. Whoever it was didn’t have very good aim. You should be grateful for that.” He said in almost cheerful voice. I bet he didn’t he know that I could hear the tension in it. I was good at things like that,

The pain in my left arm was ebbing away now, as the medication was being pumped through the IV in into* my right. I was ‘one of the lucky ones.’ Drop the period, it's gramatically incorrect. Use a comma. He’d said. I was alive when my twin wasn’t. Some might call that lucky… I would write luck, and I would use a comma instead of three dots. but I didn’t. Not when it should have been me. He was aiming at me, not Katrina, me.

Finally opening my eyes, I looked around the completely cold and white hospital room and noticed that the Doctor had left. I didn’t know where my parents were, and I didn’t care. I needed to be alone. In a sense, I would always be alone from now on. I needed to get used to it. Here you write "needed" too much. Change it into "I had to get used to it" or something. Grateful that the room was empty, I let the tears fall down my face at the memory of my identical twin sister. I would drop the "identical" part. We get to know that later on, and in this sentence you're looking for an emotional impact. I didn't feel anything from "identical", it sounds too clinical or something, as if what she looked like mattered. We want to know that she lost her beloved twin, not that she didn't have her identical twin anymore. It shifts the focus away from the sorrow.That’s all she would be now… a memory. I would write "be now; a memory" instead, but I suppose that's just got to do with what style you have. Personally I don't like it when there are too much dots all over the story, I get a slow and boring feel from it and don't really ever use it unless I want to make a "fading" feel.

Our names were Katrina,no comma here and Christina Brown. Or as drop "or as" our friends called us,no comma here ‘the two Trina’s’ My twin and IWe* had been identical When you say "identical", people realise that you're talking about looks. If you want the reader to be confused about which aspect of them is alike, use "we had been the same/alike or something like that. If you stick to identical you don't really need to say "at least on the outside that is", and "in every way" sounds wrong, because "in every way" really is in every way, not just in looks. in every way, at least on the outside that is. We shared the same dark auburn red hair; emerald green eyes… Again, I really don't like the three dots. use a comma.even our skin had the same soft olive tone. "even" is a bit out of place here, there's nothing unusual in having the same skin tone if you're identical twins. It's like serving a meal and being like "yeah, we have a turkey, potatoes, cranberry juice, sauce, vegtebles, and EVEN (here you're expecting something that's better than the previous) some water to go with it. Do you get my drift?But, on the inside we were like day and night. I had always been calm, no comma here and level headed, patient… Just one dotthings like that just came naturally to me. Katrina however, she was a different story. She was short tempered,no comma and impulsive. She often did things without thinking. Stupid girl, that’s what got her shot. Why, why did she have to jump in front of me? I would drop this last sentence. If you leave it out, you have yet another great cliffhanger, but now you were just spoiling, serving the meal before it was hot. (food mataphores ftw)

Without thinking, This seems out of place. We don't need to know that she's not thinking, we get that she's in a confused state when she throuws a pillow across the room I reached behind my head, grabbed my pillow and threw it across the room in frustration and anger. I regretted it immediately thanks to the jolt of pain it sent up my left arm, I think "I regretted it immediately when a jolt of pain shot through my hurt armwhich reminded me.Here you should use a ";" I hadn’t left the chaos unscathed; I’d been shot as well. Gently I lifted the bandages from my arm, just to see what it looked like. Bad idea…Here I actually improve of the three dots! but it looked worse then it felt. Then again my system was completely drugged. I was in no condition to judge what hurt,no comma and what didn’t. Except for the giant whole my sister’s murderer blew through my heart. Forget my arm, my heart hurt like hell. Since I had thrown my pillow across the room, This sentence felt a little forces, try writing something along the lines of "Having thrown my pillow away," or "Being in a lack of my newly dismissed pillow,"I laid backDrop "back" down flat on the bed and tried to shut my mind up. I closed my eyes and focused on nothing but the beeping rhythm that the machines next to me made, but it was no use. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shut the awful scene out. I winced as it flooded my brain once again.

My sister and I We*It's very obvious that it's the twins, you don't need to point it out. were leaving the mall. It had been a glorious day of shopping, manicures’, pedicures’, and of course we had scoped out scoped out? What's that? every single good looking guy there was to be found. We were so care free we didn’t even you don't need even here either. You need "even" if it's something really obvious they're not noticing, like "they didn't even notice how they had forgotten to put on clothes" notice the stranger following us in the darkness. By the time we were at our jeep he was right behind us. Neither of us had a clue he was there until…

I glanced at Katrina, who probably thinking it was a joke, laughed as she spun around. This is really good, how she's turning and laughing, but the writing was a bit off. It was hard to follow. Try rewriting, but don't change what's happening, just how you tell it. I heard her breathe breath*catch in her throat, so and*I think "so would be a little weird. Would she just not turn around if her breath didn't catch? That's a bit weird, if it was just someone having a laugh at them, I guess she would turn around as well to say hi or something. At least not just stand there with her back to whoever it was.I turned around as well. The parking lot was empty. I thought there was a guy there? There had to be less than ten cars still there. No one, no one, was outside,Make this a ";" except… drop the three dots. Just "except us" The three dots are implying a surprise, but then it's just them there, and we already knew they were there. You want the focus to be on it being only them there, not them being there being a surprise.us. The only lighting we had was the dim street lights above us. So,no comma it was hard to make out anything about "Anything about" makes it sound as if she was wondering what his personality was like. Just write "hard to make out the man" (or hard to make out with the man, hahahahaha, just joking)the man. But his hair was so blonde that even with the lack of light, it glistened. As did the pistol he had pointed at us.

I dropped my bags in shock. When I did I heard the sound of glass breaking… drop the three dots, use a ";"probably the snow globe I bought for my mom…

“What do you want?” I heard Katrina ask. Her voice as steady as it would have been if she had been talking to me. This was a bit confusing. Do you mean, if she had been talking to her when they were having dinner or going to school, or if she had turned around in that moment and asked her what she wanted? Maybe make it a bit more obvious.

I could almost feel it, as if it were my own.

I saw nothing but kept looking. Her voice stayed silent for awhile.Probably just a typo, but you need a space after "a" I was about to give in and close my eyes again but I saw her finallywhen I finally saw her*, standing in front of me as transparent as any ghost in any movie.You use "any" too much. I would just write "as a ghost." How drugged am I? I thought to myself. Again, we realise that she's thinking, you don't have to tell us.

When she was gone I realized that,How does she realise that she was afraid of that moments ago? Didn't she already know? Was it an undercover fear that suddenly sneaked up on her and told her "you know, two seconds ago: this is what you felt, but you didn't actually feel it!" It doens't make sense. I would just drop that part. moments before I was afraid of her becoming only a memory, a memory that would fade, use ";" here instead of the comma just as the image of her had faded before my eyes. But, I knew… Just one dot...deep down I knew… ":" instead of three dots.I would never let her fade. I was one of the lucky ones after all. I could keep her memory alive. And by doing that, I could keep her alive.

I tried to let that thought comfort me…just a comma but somehow… I still managed to cry myself to sleep.I cried myself to sleep*