We’re not supposed to lie, cheat or steal.
But for some people, those things are far too real.
What about the little girl who was robbed of her innocence?
Who hides the truth in shame and self-defense?
What about the young man who wants to be like his father?
Who was asked his entire life “Why even bother?”
He thinks he’s taking the easy way out, “so that it won’t take as long.”
He never knew that what with hard work he could have proved them wrong.
What about the new Mother, who was beaten and abandoned?
Who wouldn't let her child starve just because she was stranded.
Now matter who you talk to, everyone has a story...
Some may be looking for aid, or some even glory.
Maybe it’s all in how you see right and wrong.
Is ignorance really bliss? Or does wisdom make you strong?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
LOVE IT!
Heya! I am the ZombieSquirrel and this Is my opinion:
We’re not supposed to lie, cheat or steal. But, for some people these things are far too real.
What about the little girl who was robbed of her innocence?Who hides the truth in shame and self-defense?
What about the young man who wants to be like his father? Who was asked his entire life “Why even bother?”
He thinks he’s taking the easy way out, “so that it won’t take as long.”He never knew that what with hard work he could have proved them wrong.
What about the new Mother, who was beaten and abandoned?She could not bear the thought of her child starving because she was stranded.
Maybe it’s in how you see right and wrong.Is ignorance really bliss? Or does wisdom make you strong?
You opened really strong, I loved the first Stanza, something about It sort of jumped out and claimed my full attention.
I think The second Stanza Is a great follow up, however...It seems that you steadily work your way into deeper issues as the poem goes on, not sure if that's how you wrote it or if that's just my perception, either way, i think it was sort of a massive jump from one extremity to another. It's like dipping into the shallow end then immediately throwing yourself into the deep end.
I thought the third Stanza felt a tad forced, the rhyming just felt a bit "Just ut it in and ship it" It wasnt bad, but It did throw me off a little bit after the first two awesome Stanzas
I loved the fourth Stanza with a violent passion, I think it's my favorite part of the whole, I just loved it xD
I liked the fifth Stanza, but it ran a tad long, I think if you managed to shorten it, the very dark subject matter would make even more of an impact
I don't think you could have ended it any better than you did, with something as profound as that! *Claps* Very cool, I do think that it changed the theme quite a bit, suddenly changing from depression into something wise and profound, perhaps if you seperated the two final Stanzas with one more? Just to act as a bit of a themed transition if that makes any sense
I hope I didn't come across as nit picky, it's just my way. I really enjoyed your poem, and i'm looking forward to seeing what you do next
Hi Ms. Amber!
At first, I was intrigued in your poem's title. This was the reason I checked it out. As I read it, I had a few grins not because it was funny but because it was witty. You made statements people today need to answer. How about this and how about that. It was quite interesting because in the poem you seemed to speak to someone of what happened to you but then again you're asking the world why. Th structure though didn't quite fit your poem.
Delete the comma after "But" or add another comma between "people" and "these". It would be improper to say it aloud, so try to check on that.
I simply love the part wherein you asked the reader questions about the status of the people who are languishing in other's faults and problems (poverty etc.). The superior verses' tones were serious bu the preceding ones were not technically fun but witty and clever, making the over-all read fun.
Plus, you kept a depressed tone as if you're yearning for help, somewhere deep in there. This also doubles as the poem's asset.
I was a bit discomforted about these lines, though:
You loss your quick rhymes which I really like.
But still, you awed me with your mature writing technique and versatile word and structure choice, which I think, doesn't appear much in other poems. Keep writing these poems.
Double kudos to you and good like writing!
Al
P.S. I think poems of these kind would be likelier to belong to Dramatic or Lyric poem because of its emotion and false hopes.
Woah! That is one powerful poem. I loved it.
It is honestly the definition of life and reality.
Very creative and very touching.
You should make a longer version, I will definitely check for more.
Good Job
Cheers,
V. Quest