Published December 25, 2011
Who am I?
After the storm.
After the rain.
After the tears.
Who am i?
After the lies
And the people who cry.
Who am I?
After the grey skies.
And the stormy nights.
The cold shoulder.
And the lifeless eyes.
Who am I?
Who is ther person?
That cant cry,
Cant feel.
Cant grieve.
People go.
Silent remains me.
People die.
I dont cry.
Who am i?
People who betray.
I still love.
People who leave.
I still chase.
Who am I?
The answer is not key.
The question neither.
Who am I?
Who are you.
I am no one.
You are gone,
We are the same.
Who am I?
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hey Amber.
I like the thoughts behind this poem, especially how it brings in to question how things can change someone.
Though, what I don't really like is the short lines in the stanzas. Mixed in with the repeating of "Who am I", it seems like your lacking potential content. Now, the third stanza was excellent. You really had the content there.
Your grammar needs fixing. Inconsistent capitals and lack of contractions where required are off putting. Also, in the sixth stanza, "People who betray." and "People who leave." you've got there. It would be better if you replace those two full stops with either hyphens or semi-colons.
You have an excellent base built up here. Just play with the wording of the stanzas and add a bit of imagery as well as fixing up the grammar and you will be good to go!
Hi, Amber! Just a few quick thoughts, here - I like using "who am I?" as a refrain quite a bit, but I'm not sure you have enough to fill in the rest of the poem. Like, I think you'd have a stronger poem if a few more stanzas looked like your third stanza, which I like, and I find much more effective than many of your others. The imagery helps your audience visualize a bit more, and draws them in far better than just rhetorical questions/statements.
The one item that really stood out to me was your punctuation/grammar usage. I wasn't sure what to do with it - you aren't consistent in capitalizing "I," and you don't use apostrophes in your contractions. If you do one or the other (no punctuation or minimal and no caps/apostrophes), I can fly with it, but doing both I don't think works.
Anyway! You have some good framework to build on, you just gotta keep plugging away at it! Play with some of your other stanzas, and see if you can inject a bit of imagery, clean up your punctuation use a bit, and see what you end up with!
Happy editing!
I don't know who you are, but FANTASTIC poem! I loved every single word of it. Who you are is an amazing poet! Keep writing i will definetly read it.
