Daddy

I personally like the lack of formality (though some things could be fixed... which is mentioned above). I feel like it stylistically adds to the tone, which by the way was very good! I like the shortness of each line... I just could feel all the emotions in it. I think it could have been shortened a TEENSY bit, and a few of the line breaks are questionable... But it's stille very good. This made me very sad you did a great job!

hey.. so I'm reading it and my dad is sitting besides me.. and I start crying!! It was so touching and moving, and emotional and lovely!! It made me see what a great man my father is.. Now i'm not going to be able to imagine a day without him in my life.. Thanks for writing such a brilliant poem!! Loved it immensely!!
Harshita:)

Whoa. That's.....so sad but a good lil poem....I loved it. You didn't capitalize the "I"s as much as you should have (somebody probably said that already though ) but overall you did great.

Hi Amberchelli! I think this is a beautiful and touching poem.

Echo090 wrote:You seems to be very depress. If this poem is ever based from reality, then I am so sorry for you. The poem was very touching. Easy to read but it lacks a lot of formality. Were you in a rush? No capitalization and the structure of the lines was AWEFUL. So awful that if this was not easy to read, I would have changed the webpage. One line was like what? One word. It doesn't even have the same amount of syllables from the others lines. Read it as a sentence, and it was perfection. Read it as a poem, it sucks.

Amberchelli wrote:I hate you.
I love you.
I miss you.

a very touching and moving poem that touched both my heart and soul

Keep up the good work and don't give up.

Oh my gosh. This is so sad. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I feel the same way, even though my dad is still here in my life. He's a workaholic and even though he's here, he's not here at the same time. This is very touching and you did a wonderful job. Again, I'm sorry that he left.

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

You seems to be very depress. If this poem is ever based from reality, then I am so sorry for you. The poem was very touching. Easy to read but it lacks a lot of formality. Were you in a rush? No capitalization and the structure of the lines was AWEFUL. So awful that if this was not easy to read, I would have changed the webpage. One line was like what? One word. It doesn't even have the same amount of syllables from the others lines. Read it as a sentence, and it was perfection. Read it as a poem, it sucks.

Hi there!!!

Ok, I have to start out by saying that this poem is absolutely stunning. I have heard many a friend talk about their feelings towards the father they never knew, and this poem is so completely eloquent in the way those emotions are portrayed. You somehow managed to pack it all into a nutshell, and that, my friend, takes some amazing skill.

Ok, now for the nitpicky part.

You should probably watch your line breaks (which has already been mentioned before, but i'm repeating it because it is very important). I used to have the choppiest lines in my poetry and I claimed it was an artistic choice, but then when I went back and really looked at it, I realized that the choppy lines made for awkward reading, and since then i've gone back and edited pretty much every single one of them.

Also:

Have you ever wondered?
About your baby girl?

While this is a powerful and emotional piece it's one i've heard dozens of times before and there's no much here t seperate it from the pack. I do like the stylistic choice of lacking caps and punctuation and I find that it really enhances the flow of the piece, which is otherwise a tad scattershot for me, it just reads like a note, not any form of poetry.

Still, while it is incredibly cliche you manage to pull over this crutch with strong emotion and some powerful and well worded phrases that cut deep. I don't want you to think I'm insensitive, in fact my own fathe rleft before I was born, but I'm viewing this from a purely literary stance.

I see even more potential from this solid piece and look forward to reading more from you.

I liked it. It was very touching. Great work!

This is sweet...I wanted to cry when I read it! I didn't quite understand who the narrator was in the beginning, but the ending and title helped me clear that up. I couldn't quite grasp who you intended the "our" and "us" to be...maybe siblings, or the mother? And I didn't understand what you meant by "our day of life." I figured it was the narrator/daughter's birthday. All in all, this is very touching and sentimental. Never stop writing.

Hellou, I'm Demoness and here's my review of your touchy little poem xD

Easy to read, simple but full of emotion! - Yep that's pretty much what I gather from this. I think it was beautiful and captures the emotions and feelings that the absence of your/the narrators father causes.
Allthough... You've completely forgotten a little thing called punctuation!! And I was a bit bugged with the changes in the way you built up your stanzas, but overall it was a nice poem

Hope I brought you some help at least )

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Hugs and Hearts from Demoness

Morning, Amber. I’ll be quick with this.

So, while this obviously conveys a strong blast of daddy issues (don’t we all have ‘em), it doesn’t do much for me because, to be honest, it doesn’t go beneath the surface of cathartic talking. See, you can read this aloud and it’d sound like you’re talking to your daddy and all that jazz, but you’re not really doing any justice for your reader because you’re not making a poem out of it, if that makes sense.

Now, you give a few licks at scenes and images—birthday cards, Christmas morning, etc.—but you fail to delve into these moments that could really make this poem worth something more than just you being able to breathe easy.

So the deal is that I want to challenge you to—not rewrite—but reshape this. Begin developing ideas around your little sparks of scenes and emotions and see what kind of power you can give this. You have a good foundation—I’ll give you that. But there needs to be more.

Moving on, I want to bark about line breaks and punctuation/capitalization for a minute.

Do you break your lines intentionally? Because there are points throughout the piece that feel almost like dry heaving in my head due to the frequent and inconsistent line breaks. Read it out loud. You’ll know what I mean.

Go through and edit your capitalization and punctuation and make it accurate. Either use it right or leave it out—the choice is ultimately yours. I suggest using it, but using it correctly.

Finally, I’d like to ask about your ending. It comes out of nowhere, and you give us no reason for her to say that she loves her daddy. You’ve given him no redeeming qualities and no hints as to the girl’s personality that would give me the idea that she would love him. Consider that while editing.

Let me know if you have questions,

-Lumi

Wow..I loved this. Mainly because I can relate to it. My father was never around and I only once got to speak to him on the phone (but he only wanted to speak to my older brother)..anyway, my father was a drunk and he died in 1999 and a lot of the "questions" in this poem are a lot of the questions I would have loved to ask my father..if he hadn't died.

It's a very nice poem and it pulls at the heartstrings. I feel a lot of your pain, and I am truely sorry that you went through that. However I have some nitpicks throughout the poem.

Have you ever wondered?
About your baby girl?
if she loved to play
Or sing aloud?
If she smiled all day
Or cried at night.

Your baby girl
is all grown up
tonight.
18 came runnin' around
and you
couldn't keep
up.

have you ever thought?
about birthday cards
and christmas morning?

do you even know
our favorite color?
or even our day of life?

is it all a mystery
to the man
inside you?
who never knew what to do?
You never learn
from your mistakes
they affect everyone else.

your baby girl
learned to grow
without your love
and protection.

You were never there.
and you never
will be.

You didn't think
about me or her.

all you did
was
think
about you.

now I have to
grow up
all alone
with no one
to call
daddy

aren't you glad
you've never met me?

love you daddy.

I thought this was a touching piece and I definitely felt sympathy.

The stanzas, though... Sometimes, I feel they are misplaced. I know, multiple stanzas can form one sentence, but sometimes I feel they break off too much, in the wrong places.

Other than that, I really liked this piece and I hope you enjoyed it too- an artist's work is only great if the artist them self believe it as well.

This was really good! It was an easy read, it flowed very well, and there weren't very many grammatical mistakes if any! There is one thing though. I have to say that I agree with joshuapaul that you moved from "I" to "our" a little bit too fast. You might want to introduce the other person (I assume it's your sister) earlier in the poem before you jump straight into saying "our". That's all I could find fault with! Great job! BRAVO

Wow, this is touching.

Can I ask, is this true?

Any way one nitpick.

do you even know our
favorite color?
or even our day of life?

This was really touching, I think I'm gonna go hug my Dad now haha It's brilliant in its simplicity really. Do you do any other kinds of writing? Like short stories?If not I really think you should have a go!

This is really touching and easy to read.

from your mistakes.
that affect everyone else.