Your eyes are mountains kissed by the setting sun,
they’re as deep as the deepest ocean-
and I’m drowning.
Your hair colour is the hot sand on desert dunes,
it’s as soft as the pillowed feathers of a bird-
and I’m drowning.
Your skin is a sunrise scattered with clouds,
it’s as white as heaven’s first light-
and I’m drowning.
Your cheeks, they’re cherry blossoms in bloom,
the only place I want my head to rest as I bury my face in your neck-
and I’m drowning.
Your lips are the lines and muscles that define desire itself,
the only place I want my own lips to rest, the only thing I won’t get enough of-
and I’m drowning.
Your smile, the very action I’d pay to see every day, even if not at me,
your laugh, the chirping of birds in the morning, the sound of a soft creek in the forest-
and I’m drowning.
I’m drowning in you and in me and in my imagination and in the idea that maybe there might be an us.
And even if there isn’t and you see nothing special in me, I will always continue to see you the same.
I will always find your eyes the refuge to my problems,
your arms the solution to my stress,
your heart the desire that burns in my stomach,
your neck the sensation of heaven itself,
your smile the cure to my sickness.
And I will always continue to drown in you-
In the way you can’t say hello without blushing,
in the way you wear your jumpers over your mouth,
in the way you put your hood up when the sky is clear,
in the way you sing to yourself when you think I’m not listening,
in the way you feel like home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello!
The title, I want to start by saying, is great. It's short, and simple, but interests the reader. These two lines in particular, also really interested me because of their beautiful imagery:
"Your hair colour is the hot sand on desert dunes"
and
"Your cheeks, they're cherry blossoms in bloom"
These lines are really unique but wonderful to read.
I also liked the rhythm of this poem, and how it changed halfway through. I think that worked quite well, and the last line finished it off really nicely. You conveyed wonderful emotion through this poem and I understood the feelings behind it.
Just one little thing. Maybe it's just me, but I felt like the line
"and I'm drowning"
was repeated a little bit too much. I see what you're trying to do, but maybe just extend the lines between each "and I'm drowning" and it will work better.
Nonetheless, a very enjoyable poem and I can't wait to read some of your future pieces.
Hey there! Akelia Taske here for a review! First off, I want to say that this is an AMAZING poem! You did a very good job with writing it, and expressing it. It draws readers in! Good job.
So first off, I'm going to start off the review with the sweet.
Sweet:
1. Was very well flowing in the first half.
2. You kept a good consistency.
3. There was some kind of punctuation at the end of every line. (this is very rare in some cases with poems)
And now for the sour.
Sour:
1. I found that it did not rhyme, which you don't have to have, but is a key factor in poetry.
2. At the second half of the poem it was a bit harder to follow because the lines were so long, and there was so much to read. If you could put those single lines into a couple different ones, that would be good.
And that's it! Hope this helped! I really liked this
Never stop writing!
-Akelia Taske