Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Blue is the traditional colour for vampire weddings.
–
It was a particularly dark night on Raphael Santiago’s wedding. The clouds covered the sky, blocking out the stars and the moon, blanketing the city under a dark veil.
Hotel Dumort looked particularly grim, the old, rusty sign looking even more deteriorated than usual, along with the walls.
The inside, however, was not. Vampires ran from place to place, making sure everything was right.
Raphael was not stressed, or frantic, and chose to remain impassive whilst he watched everything take place. In theory, this was to be the best day of his life- his wedding.
It wasn’t of course, it was far from it, since he was being forced into this for literally all eternity.
It was all for political reasons- as a peace treaty with a nearby clan, it was symbolic that he, the leader of his clan, marry the youngest from the other.
He knew the name of his spouse, but thing about his personal life except for the fact that he was male and had been bitten rather recently. Oh, and that he was the famous Daylighter.
Raphael ran his hands through his hair, adjusted his ceremony clothes, and brushed the dust off of them. He might as well look good.
“Are you nervous?” Someone nearby asked. Raphael looked towards the other vampire and shook his head slowly.
“No. I don’t get nervous.”
–
Simon was freaking out inside, outside, and everywhere he possibly could. As much as he was trying to relax, he really couldn’t, because he was going to get married, and then he was going to go on to be the spouse of one of the most important vampires in the city.
And that was not exactly something to not freak out about.
It was a forever and ever thing, too. It’s not like he could get out of it, because everything was all decided, and it had been with his consent - kind of - so he couldn’t back out of it now, not when they were all on the way already, dressed in dark, ceremonial clothes, walking along the winding and turning dark streets of New York.
Simon had cursed himself for being the last bitten of his clan, and had considered running away - for half a second - when he found out about the treaty, but later realised there was no point to it.
He hadn’t heard much about his future husband-
Not really. Rumors, and nothing more. He knew a few things: He was the head of the New York vampire clan and had been for some time, he was really old (though he didn’t look really old), and he wasn’t someone with a lot of time for nonsense, or anything petty.
Simon couldn’t feel cold, but nonetheless, he shivered.
His life would change forever, of course, now that he would have a responsibility to both clans, and to his husband.
He could see the reflection of the building in a puddle, looming over them as they got closer.
Simon looked up and sighed.
His new home wasn’t what he wanted to call home, but he had no choice, so without a pause, he took in a deep, unnecessary breath -
And bit his lip hard when someone opened the door, letting them in.
–
You could feel the tension in the room. Simon was in the centre, since everyone walked around him, protecting him in a way. Everyone and everything fell silent when they entered the hotel, and Simon kept his head low, trying to not draw attention to himself.
“Santiago! I see you are doing well.” said Archard Crest, the leader of Simon’s clan, walking up to Raphael.
Simon looked up for a minute to see what he looked like, and - honestly - the leader awoke his curiosity.
The dark, slimming clothes showed off his frame, strong but not robust, lithe but not skinny. His dark hair was pushed away from his face, and the brown eyes were stern, dark, and determined, as if he had seen all there was to see. He looked like he had stood the test of time, for though he looked the same as hundreds of years ago, you could feel his age.
Simon looked back down, and once the two had finished exchanging greetings, the vampires around Simon made way for him.
The youngest cursed under his breath. He had been explained the ceremony in detail, how he should act, speak, move.
Simon stepped forward, feeling everybody’s eyes on him, and fought the urge in his stomach to throw up and run away. The most intense stare was Raphael’s, but he was the most calm.
Simon did not dare look up, did not dare meet the deep gaze, and chose to lower his head and tilt his neck to the side just a fraction - a small, but obvious act of submission. “Simon Lewis.”
Raphael’s voice was deep, powerful, and somewhat curious.
“Raphael Santiago.” Simon tried not to let his voice waver. He was not to show nervousness, or restlessness, though he knew well enough Raphael could most likely sense it.
“I bid you farewell until the ceremony.” Raphael said, and stepped back, turning around and disappearing behind some doors.
Archard nodded in approval of Simon’s actions, patting him on the back once and leaving to talk about something with his second in command.
Simon was so screwed.
–
Curious, Raphael thought to himself. Curious indeed.
His new husband was nothing like he’d imagined he’d be like. He was skinny, and wore the ceremonial clothes that were evidently too big for him. His eyes were scared yet curious, and he was nervous. It was painfully obvious, Raphael could almost smell it.
He felt a bit bad for the poor kid, he couldn’t have been bitten too long ago.
The ceremony was to take place in half an hour, and though he wasn’t exactly nervous, the weight of things was starting to take its toll, even if it was just a little bit.
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140,292 Literary Works • 673,076 Reviews
Hi AmazingAida! Happy Review Day!
I admit that I am not familiar with the fandom you might be referring to - I wouldn't even be able to guess where it came from, so I will review this as I might any other short story, without reference to any particular fandom.
I felt that this was short and lacking some key background information. Fanfiction as it may be, it is a short story above all else and background information is required. Even if you expect your main audience to be people who are familiar with the characters or even the scene, you should still provide them with some details that round out the fanfiction. The parts of a short story should not be forgotten in favour of a fandom that already exists, that already knows where exactly birthmark A is on person A. In this story in particular, you have the room to flesh things out. Especially with the dual perspectives, this could be rather interesting. You spend more time within Raphael's realm of thinking than Simon's - is there a good reason for this? Perhaps you could spend equal parts on both characters, so that the reader has a better understanding of the emotions of each leading up to the marriage.
I particularly appreciated the description of Simon's appearance near the end. It showed me that you have quite the skill in describing things in a natural-seeming way. Why not do that in the rest of the story to flesh things out a bit more? This way, you might rectify problems with the flow and pacing of the story.
I have one nitpick:
I know "dark and winding" is characteristic of a mysterious location, but I hate to break it to you that New York City is actually a grid of streets and it pretty much always has been. This is one of the major differences between North America and Europe. So the phrase above is just incorrect.
Overall, I think you have a nice set up for your short story, but you're lacking substance. Where your "paragraphs" are one-liners, you could really develop things more, thus pulling in readers and elaborating on the characters and what exactly is going on and what any of the repercussions might be. You're a good writer, so don't be skimpy on the details!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Best,
Lav
Before I start my review I would just like to note that I am not familiar with the source material from which this was derived, so I read it as I would any short story/chapter.
Pros: I enjoyed the tone and style that you attempted and the nervousness of Simon was captured well in your writing. The little hints at the greater repercussions of this wedding also helped to lay out the scene in relation to the greater plot.
Cons/Things to consider: As with any review, you are not required to take my advice, but I will list here some things I thought could use improvement. There were some egregious grammatical issues that took the attention away from the scene itself, but that's nothing some editing cannot fix. The story, I felt, could have used more descriptions of the world around Simon. Show me what makes Raphael so deep and mysterious, don't just tell me that he is deep and mysterious. Try and bulk up some of your paragraphs as well. It read rather choppily and many of your smaller paragraphs could have been supplemented and combined to form a really solid passage.