Lilac and Dylan walked, down the cold, snow-covered sidewalk. The moonlight shown on the ground, making the blinding white snow shimmer. The two stepped past snowmen built by kids of all ages, decorated in scarves and top hats. They both smiled, strolling wordlessly, gazes down. Lilac felt her face redden, and she looked up at him. He gazed back. His eyes sparkled emerald green, lit up by the road lamps. They listened to the caroling of children, walking door to door, singing off pitch. They laughed and sang along to some of their favorite Christmas wonders.
"So," Dylan finally said, after what felt like forever of silence, "I have a pretty big fireplace at my house. You wanna come? I got hot chocolate, plenty of it." He smiled.
“I’d love to,” Lilac replied. Dylan grabbed her hand now, and she felt her nerves spark as he led her to his home. They jogged down his driveway, nearly running. Lilac was afraid she’d slip and fall in the snow before he pulled her inside. He left her to sit on the couch, in front of the red, crackling fireplace, heading to the kitchen to make them some hot chocolate. She admired the way the flame warmed her pale skin, tingling her arms and face, as he came back in, and they sat in its warmth.
The end. :D
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi Aeris!
Thanks once again for writing a short story for the Holiday writing competition. As promised, here is your review.
Overall, I thought you did a good job of capturing the spirit of the song. I like your writing style, as some of the imagery is very vivid and brings me right to the time and place. It's also cute as a love story, but I wanted more. There isn't really any conflict in this story, and while I like that it's a slice of life, I wanted to learn a little bit more about who Lilac and Dylan were as people so that I could root for their relationship.
Stories have to present some kind of conflict. Songs don't necessarily, and that was part of the challenge of the competition. I don't know old Lilac and Dylan are, how they met, or any other details about them, or how they ended up walking together on this winter day.
I definitely think there's room to expand on this and if you ever revisit it, I'd love to read it!
I hope you had a lovely new year, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!
All the best,
Elinor
EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.
First Impression
Awww warm hot coco, and nice crackling fire. I feel so cozy now.
Nitpicks & Grammar
To start with you misspelled the word shone here-
This is more optional, of course, but I'd suggest separating the words top and hat here-
And this is up to you (I understand some people prefer to write using irregular grammar.) but you may want to consider removing the comma by the word snow in this sentence-
Other then that I couldn't find any grammar errors <3
Style & Flow
Other then the problems mentioned in my little indentations, there's one thing I noticed-you don't have a lot of description. You use mostly verbs and action words. That's all good and well, but you need a little bit of description as well. Consider answering these questions-
What did the fireplace look like? How did the warmth of the fire feel against their skin? What did Lilac and Dylan look like? What did their house look like? What did the Hot Chocolate smell like? Try painting a picture.
For example, don't write ''the dog barked'' write ''The bulldog let out a wild bellow''
Finally, I don't know what the standards and rules were for your competition but I think you might want to look into adding a little bit more plot to the story-like having them get stuck, or fall into some ice etc.
Overall
With a little editing I think this story will shine. <333