Hi Amaya! Lim here to review your poem!
General Impressions
The mood of the poem seems fond. The atmosphere created is generally lighthearted or even whimsical. Because of that the line that sticks out to me is “Wave if I’m your flame”. Fire imagery comes across as more intense than the other images in the poem: cotton candy/floss, clouds and rocks.
Another part where the atmosphere is different is from “Don’t wanna say it” to “Messing with my mind”. The tone there is negative, unlike the rest of the poem, but with “Ditch the past, let’s dance”, the "I" is depicted as wanting to move on from the more negative previous experience with the “you” into a more positive chapter.
Themes
I identified these themes in the poem:
1. Love
The title stood out to me, as “Cloud Members” isn’t a common phrase. The image of the cloud makes me think of something whimsical, or perhaps someone who is very happy (such as in the expression ‘being on cloud nine’). Meanwhile, “members” implies a feeling of belonging, and the speaker ("I") seems to use “cloud member” as a term of endearment. That, and the imagery of sweet things, makes the depiction of love in the poem seem positive and also innocent, in a way.
It’s interesting that in the poem, the speaker doesn’t label their relationship with this person, instead saying that they’ll “call it our own/ Until the right name is known”. That seems to portray the relationship as being quite new.
2. Change
At the same time, the poem seems to address a past between the two that wasn’t so pleasant. The speaker calls on the “you” to move past that with them. This can be seen in the images to do with motion and change, such as “ditch” and “dance”. The line “This thing we are/ No one knows what to call” could also be interpreted as showing that this relationship was kind of a surprise and perhaps their story didn’t start like that of a conventional couple.
Structure
Something I appreciate about the structure of the poem is how the second half of the poem makes me pay attention to the change in the speaker’s tone. At first, the speaker sounds more playful generally, as they speak in short phrases like “Been a while” (rather than “It’s been a while”) or “Don’t wanna say it” (rather than “I don’t want to say it”). Then from “This thing we are” onwards, there are no more words ‘dropped’ from the line. The change made me pay more attention and also perceive the poem as becoming slower and more earnest rather than playful.
I noticed that the poem is organized into couplets (stanzas having two lines each), except for the second stanza. The second stanza, with three lines, is unrhymed and almost sounds like a haiku to me. It sticks out from the other stanzas. Is it because it’s depicting a memory while the rest of the poem occurs in present time?
Language and Imagery
Something that has room to grow is the continuity and unity of the imagery. The poem is called “Cloud Members”, which makes me anticipate cloud-related imagery throughout the poem. When I read it, though, the cloud-like imagery (like the “cotton floss”) only appears in the second half of the poem. The first half has images which work fine on their own but don’t really seem to be related to one another, such as the smile in stanza 1 and the rock in stanza 2. I also just think “cloud member of a heart’s club” is an unusual and interesting image and I wanted to see more expansion on what that looks like, what it means etc. c:
Ditch the past, let's dance,
Memories will last, take a chance.
I felt confused by the above stanza because “Ditch the past” and “Memories will last” appear to be contradictory. One says to leave the past behind, but the other says the past will stick. I’m not sure if this is intentional or what it means based on the rest of the poem.
Something I did like about the language was the consistent use of conversational language. For example, the use of phrases like “can’t you see” and “don’t wanna”, and contractions like “you’re”, “let’s” and “can’t” are things people would say in an everyday casual conversation with friends. So, that gives the speaker a distinct voice that is casual and shows that they are close with this “you”.
Overall
I found this poem pleasant to read, with a unique phrase at the centre and a distinctive voice for the speaker. As mentioned, my suggestion for growing this poem would be to consider how the images and figurative language work together to produce a meaning, and how you can use that to convey the narrative or mood you want to convey.
Let me know if anything I wrote was unclear! And keep writing!
-Lim
Best of luck on your poetry journey!
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