I remember. I remember the day it all began. It was unbelievable. It was astonishing. It was terrifying. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. It started in the sky. There were lots of black and grey machines flying in the sky and we all looked up confused. Some of the adults were ushering their kids in the house. Others just looked up and watched in confusion or in shock. Then it came all at once; a thundering tsunami of noise, a culmination of screaming, explosions, and firing. I was only 9 at the time. My parents grabbed my brother's hand and my own and we ran. I don't know where we were running to. My parents were leading us. My brother, who was 8, and myself were just being pulled along, nonetheless, we held on to our parent's hands as tightly as possible. If I had known that was to be the last time to hold my parents hands, I would've held on even tighter.
I never found out where my parents were taking us or if they were even taking us to a particular place, they could've just been taking us to find someplace safe from the assault. All I know was that at one moment I was holding my father's hand then I wasn't. There was an explosion. I felt a force push me back then a ringing in my ears before a silence even though I knew cognitively that around me everything was but silent. I remember feeling a heavy weight on top of me and opening my eyes. My body was numb and my ears were ringing and although hazy for that moment, I could still see. I could see the monstrous machines turn my present and future upside down and there was nothing I, a 9-year-old girl, could do about it. I saw the houses become destroyed and shattered, the buildings falling and burning, and the families being torn apart. Everything I knew, being torn apart. Then my sight failed me and all I saw was an inviting darkness, a respite from a nightmare that was to become my reality.
***
When I next woke, I was being dragged to a large wagon. The wagon was filled with people who all passed on. I started screaming my head off and crying. Surprised, the man’s grip failed and I landed with a light thump on the broken cement. I felt my stomach heave at the sight of the open eyes and mouths coming from the wagon. I noticed a hand of my mother’s sticking out from somewhere in the middle, I know it was her hand because she was wearing the gold wedding ring from my father and another ring with her birthstone, a dark blue sapphire, on a different finger. The top of my father’s head was not far from my mother’s hand. I emptied my stomach right there from the gory sight. After the torrent from my stomach ceased I stood up. One thought crossed my mind, my little brother. Where was he?
I looked towards where the man who had been dragging me to the wagon of dead stood, he was back to collecting more of the dead. He wasn’t the only one; I saw at least a dozen others doing the same. With a rushed stride, I had hurried over to him. I tugged on the back of his shirt to grab his attention, ignoring the pain from the aching arm that I later found out to be broken.
“Did you see a boy, about my age, around where I was lying?! Please tell me!” I pleaded.
“No, there was only you, along with a man and a woman. That’s all I know.” The stranger replied and continued with his arduous task. My brother was missing. I asked everybody I came in contact with about the whereabouts of my little brother, Carter, but nobody knew anything. I searched for days but the result was only more despair. To this day, I still don’t know where he is, or even, if he is alive. My name is Nerida and this is my story.
To be continued...
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is off to a neat little start here I think. Its not a pad beginning, but....its got a couple of issues in here. It is good as it is, but there's a bit of room for improvement in a few places.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh wow, that is quite the start there, so much chaos being described to the point that I think this one might be bordering on being just a little bit too overwhelming in some spots cause this one really gets going there. Definitely manages to catch your attention. I'd say this is pretty good as is, but perhaps toning a bit down on the chaos and spreading out more will allow it to sink in better to a reader and provide more shock value over time rather than dumping it all here.
Hmm, well here I think the speeding up somewhat ends up making more sense there cause by this point the person is sort of in shock and only seeing glimpses of the world around them. This allows you to sort of get into that surprised, confused and shocked mindset, while I think the earlier part could do with some slowing down, it would actually make this part even better. At any rate, this has been a solid start so far.
Ohh wow, this is not holding back whatsoever, some death right away to get things started. I kind of want to call this out as too much of a coincidence considering how many people died, but then I see the emotional impact you want to create and also I suppose they were all together so it'd make sense for this to happen somewhat. I think you display the initial shock decently, I feel like its still maybe a bit too fast, but we can chalk that up to a possible sudden rush of adrenaline with the need to locate her brother here.
Hmm....well this is an interesting move, it seems that she isn't really trying to process the death of her parents yet but is putting all of her focus into finding out what happened to her brother...and that's a decent direction to take things in.
And then we get one of these..hmmm, its not a bad premise, but I really feel like you end up cheapening the death of the parents there, cause its mentioned just barely, there some vomiting and a bit of shock but then its almost brushed aside and I just don't think that's very realistic here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this isn't a bad piece here. It needs a bit of polishing up here and there. At any rate, I found it pretty interesting, and I think I'd certainly read more of this piece in the times to come.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a beginning to a very interesting story. =] I would keep going with it, but watch how you phrase certain action phrases. Like "screaming my head off", that's a tough one to write. It has to be worded correctly, but I saw no errors and it's a pretty well written piece of work. =]
Keep going with it and I can't wait to read the rest.
-pol;