Wont Be There

Hey, Amarii!

Interesting piece. It tells the story very well, and it gives us a very nice glimpse into the speaker's character. It's pretty simple, too, and the listener can certainly relate to it in some way.

I wonder if the story is told enough, though. I don't feel any sympathy for the singer. In fact, I feel sorry for the friend with the girl. To have such a hateful friend. :c But, anyhow. The point is that from my perspective as the reader/listener/audience, I don't relate to the speaker as an individual. I may relate to the story, but the character irks me.

I'd suggest giving more background or story. You do only have the one verse (okay, one and a half?), so maybe some more would help give more explanation to the story itself. For instance, the song mentions the speaker's heart being torn. Why? What's going on? Why in the world is this person so upset? This seems like a hateful monologue rather than a song with a message.

Seeing past the, er. poor spelling and grammar as well as the silly emoticons (cute ), I'm seeing a piece quickly written without too much consideration on the matter of song-writing. I think you could throw in some metaphors to help broaden the comprehension level of the audience as well as perhaps more meat to the song itself. Perhaps a more catchy chorus as well, but I can't really pick at that since I don't have the music. It's certainly food for thought, though.

I think it's a great rough draft you have here. Take another look and see how you could build it further into an even better piece.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!