When You Up and Left Without a Word

I know you never liked goodbyes, but I still wish you would’ve told me. I found your note, you know. There was nothing telling me where you went, but here I am, writing to no one at all, hoping that it will get to someone, mainly you. You asked me questions with no way to get answers, but here they are for you anyways. I hope this is gives you closure and that you’ll return to me… For me.

When you up and left without a word, and yes I know, “because you hate goodbyes,” I remembered you when you left. And I remembered you before that too. How could I ever forget? I didn’t know why you had left until your mother had told me. She answered the door when I had come to check on you. You hadn’t been in school or at work, you hadn’t even called, so I was worried. So worried. You shouldn’t have left! I remember you all the time, not just when I “read my books” or “write my reports” with my “glasses pushed up on the bridge of my nose”. When I “tapped my pencil on my beat up old notebook,” I never ignored you. I will admit that you being in the room had annoyed me, as I could never focus on anything but you. I never forgot where you were or if you were there… You are my best friend; I could never forget anything or not notice something about you. The thing is, I wanted so much more. But I was afraid I would lose you, and I couldn’t do that. I could never forget about you, even though you up and left without a word.

When you up and left without a word, and yes I know, “because you hate goodbyes,” did you remember me? Did you remember me as you packed up your things? I hope you did because then maybe… maybe you might come back and unpack. Maybe you would see through my act, and figure out how much I really need you. So, did you remember me? As you put it, probably not. I really wish you did, though.

When you up and left without a word, and yes I know, “because you hate goodbyes,” I did sit alone and think about the laughs we shared. I remember all of those times you used to mess up those songs, but I only really remember your laugh and your smile because that was all that ever mattered in those moments. That was all that ever mattered to me. I remember sitting with you at the end of your street, laughing about nothing, my gravelly chuckle mixing with your melodic giggle.

When you up and left without a word, and yes I know, “because you hate goodbyes,” did you remember the sound of my laugh? Your note said you remember the times we laughed, but do you remember what it sounded like? Do you remember the way it felt? Do you remember my laugh the way I remember yours? I remember yours like I remember my favorite song. The thing is, I’ve just noticed, I may never hear that music ever again. And it was the sweetest music. And that terrifies me! It terrifies me to think I may never hear it again! So, do you remember my laugh at all, even if it’s not how I remember yours? As you said, probably not. But I will always hope.

When you up and left without a word, and yes i know, “because you hate goodbyes,” she certainly did not take your place. She wouldn’t… She couldn’t ever take that spot. The spot you left is for you and you alone, never for anyone else, and especially not for her. It was only ever for you. There is no way I could’ve ever done that. Not to you. Not even if she begged. I could never even dream of trying to fill that hole with her. She doesn’t love me, nor I her. She is nothing but an attempt to forget. I thought that kiss we shared would be our last, that I had scared you off, that you wouldn’t want me. I couldn’t bare the thought of that, so I distanced myself in an attempt to make it hurt less. It was selfish of me to do that. I’ll let you in on a secret, it didn’t make the thought hurt any less. And when it finally hit that you left I had finally accepted that that kiss was our last kiss, and that any feelings you may have had for me, friendship or otherwise, were gone. It had hurt so bad! It felt as if you had forgotten who we were together, and she could never fix that.

When you up and left without a word, and yesI know, “because you hate goodbyes,” did you find another guy who would love you like I do? I don’t think anyone could love you more than I do. It hurts to think that somebody might try to, or that you might try to find someone who isn’t me to do a job that has always been mine. It hurts to think that you might try to replace me. You know what? You might try to replace me, but I will never be able to do that to you. So, is there another guy next to you, now? Another guy loving you, now? I can always and will always cross my fingers and hope and pray that you wouldn’t do that to me.

When you up and left without a word, and yes I know, “because you hate goodbyes,” of course I looked for you! I checked for you countless times in every place I could think of! I traveled down the coast to find you! I checked with your family and with old friends and places you had just mentioned once or twice on the off chance you might go there! I checked with your mom, who for the first time, refused to talk for longer than a minute to tell me you were gone! I checked the grove behind your house too, just like when we were kids! I called and texted and emailed every person and place I could think of to ask about you! Where are you? Please just come home! Please, just come home to me!

When you up and left without a word, and yes I know... “because you hate goodbyes,” I cried. I sobbed. I threw things. I ripped apart my books and reports. I couldn’t bare the thought of you not being around. It;s like the moment the doctors told me that you might not make it. It’s like when your parents told me they were going to pull the plug on you. I cried for days then, and this time was no different except that I won’t wake up one day and see you again. Please come back to me again! I’ll do anything! Please, just come home to me!

You left, and I miss you! You left and I remember you! You left and I remember your laugh! You left and she didn’t take your place! You left and I looked for you! You left and I cried!

Don’t you see how I feel? You got what you wanted! Now, please!

I miss you now more than ever and I can’t just pick up the phone and call or drive to wherever you are! So, come home to me! Come home to me now! Please… I need you. I… I need you. Please...