If I left you right now, would you miss me?
If I up and left without a word, because you know I hate goodbyes, would you remember me next week when you read your books and write your reports? I remember you with your glasses pushed up on the bridge of your nose, ignoring the world, pencil tapping an impatient beat on your notebook, ignoring me completely. Would you remember my name? Would you remember my voice? How I looked? Probably not, but just maybe… Maybe you would. I can only wish you would.
If I up and left without a word, because you know I hate goodbyes, would you sit alone and remember all of the laughs we had like I do? I remember when I used to sing to you, change all of the words and mess up the tune. I remember how you would always praise my singing, tell me how good I was, chuckle under your breath at me. I would always turn away with a shake of my head, but you should know that I always did it to hide my smile and the embarrassing heat that used to rise to my cheeks. We would laugh it off; your deep baritone mixing with my high pitched cackle. Would you remember all of those times like I do? Probably not. I can always hope you would.
If I up and left without a word, because you know I hate goodbyes, would she fill the hole I would leave? Would she love you and treat you the way I did? Would you love her and treat her the way you did me? I remember the moments when I was your best friend, when you needed to talk or needed help studying. Is she enough for that? Is she enough to replace me and take my place? I remember the soft kiss we shared before you stopped talking to me. You said it was a mistake! You left a you sized hole in me that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill! Did that kiss even affect you? Did it hurt you to say it meant nothing? It really hurts me to say and to think that it probably didn’t. And now it will sound awful to say that I wish it did.
If I up and left without a word, because you know I hate goodbyes, would you look for me? I remember when I first saw you with her. I know you thought I probably didn’t see you two, but I did. For the first time in forever after that, you came looking for me. That filled the hole seeing you two together had made until I saw you with her again. It tore me apart! You don’t understand how bad it hurt me! You don’t understand how painful and horrible that was! So, would you look for me if I left you? Would me disappearing tear you apart like seeing you with her tore me apart? I’m sorry, but I really hope it does. It probably won’t though, and you probably won’t notice that I’m gone. You probably won’t feel a thing. You might even be glad. But, you know what? I can always dream that you would.
If I up and left without a word, because you know I hate goodbyes, would you cry? I have only seen you cry one, when I was in that accident and you thought that I wouldn’t wake up again, that I had left you. I had woken up, sore and confused, to see you sobbing in the chair next to me. I had been out for six months at that point, you had told me, living off of machines. My parents had talked about pulling the plug, had told you that they were going to because I had flatlined far too much and it was cruel to keep me alive like that. When you had seen me, you didn’t stop and it seemed to just add fuel to the fire. You told me you couldn’t, you wouldn’t lose me. You told me that you couldn’t live without me. What a joke that was. So, now that you are losing me, have lost me, will you cry? Probably not because you probably won’t even notice, and if you do, you probably won’t care. And you know what, that hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.
But, I guess we’ll see because here I am, writing this to you as a way of telling you I’m gone. I’m leaving. I’m showing you exactly what and how I feel. I’m going to leave you behind and alone and I will never come back.
So, how do you feel now?
Do you miss me now that I’m gone?
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I don't know how I feel about this work. I'm a bit split between two factions in my mind--the first faction believes, truly, that this work was made with good intent, and probably means a lot to you despite everything. The second faction, however, can't help but notice how you utilized a lot of cliches without adding anything to it. There's so much heart to this, but in the rarest instance of having so much heart it loses its flavor, its originality, its identity. The more emotional the work is, the more diluted it feels, which is strange because usually the more emotional the work is the more intense it should be.
I think the main problem I have here is the sentiment of the protagonist. Teenage angst is common, and there's nothing wrong with it, but if used too much it might irk a number of readers (AKA, me). Why? Because teenage angst, at least to me, takes itself so seriously but doesn't have the dramaticism coupled with such serious execution. Your crush is seeing someone else? Angst. Your crush kissed you before seeing someone else? Angst. Your crush seemingly doesn't care about you? Angst. There's a melodrama that I just can't take seriously, even though I know these are all real feelings from real teenagers. And this is only made worse when it is shown, clearly, that the crush does care for the protagonist. Why else would he be crying at their bedside when they were found in an accident? The audience sees this part of the entire story, and they think to themselves, "Well, you really don't have anything to complain about, clearly he cares for you."
And again, I'd like to reiterate here, this obviously happened. I've seen this happen before, and I've seen people describe it this way. But I have such a hard time believing it, mostly because it's trying to be something it's not. It makes heartbreak unironically feel like some natural disaster, and yet the actual event isn't nearly dramatic enough to back that feeling up. I don't know, maybe if you inserted some other ideas besides the already used "If I left you, would you care?", a metaphor here and there, a self-aware proclamation trying to justify everything, it'd probably fix the mood for me. But for now, it just feels a bit stale.
This...is notably funny to me. The rest of the work is serious, as I already said, and then a word like this comes along and it breaks the facade for me. Maybe if you said something like 'a hole only you could fit into' or just a simple 'a hole', it'd be better. As it is, though, 'you-sized hole' sounds really weird.
Once is what you want there, not one.
Anyway, good job on this one. I'm sorry it didn't click for me, but I know you have better works in you in the future that definitely will. Your prose is quite nice and you seem to know how the character thinks and feels, and that's always a great start for the growing author.
Signing out and hoping for the best,
--EM.
Hey-
This piece has an interesting structure that I appreciate, but I think you have some room to fine-tune it. I think you could benefit from more description and less listing questions-though keep the structure intact- as i feel intrigued by both characters, without really knowing either of them. I would perhaps try to find a motivation for each of them, why is the mentioned friend afraid to love? How long did the narrator love him/her, and why did it fall apart?
I was a little confused by the use of the accident, its a good idea to use something they were able to withstand, but the usage didn't feel spot on to me. I would change it to say that the tragic accident forced the friend to consider life without the narrator.
My last note is on grammar, you have the potential for a fantastic flow if you weed out filler words like "would", "like", etc.
I love the mentions about goodbyes and the structure is really unique, emphasize these strengths to improve an already great piece!