The Door To Arabeth (Part: 2)

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

This chapter is one that has some happenings! I've never plummeted before into darkness or towards anything, but from it's being described it doesn't exactly seem very nice.

I have mainly one problem with this chapter--no, three problems.

The first one, and perhaps the most important in my mind, is how you present your character. To me, she doesn't have a clear and distinct personality. Sure, I know that this is only part of the second chapter and that we obviously wouldn't know her character yet, but you would be able to mark her character out with distinction if compared to another. Look at it this way. Your character is what? Emotional? Sarcastic? Is she erratic sometimes? What exactly is she? Perhaps she's a bit curious? If she's curious then there's a very easy way of showing that. Just use the door in the first chapter! She can act curious about that; or even more so than how she was acting. Think about it. Having a character that has a distinct personality is veeery important. What's more, is if your MC does have a clear and distinct personality, then your readers can relate more to the person. They will be able to connect to your character, and that is one of your main goals with writing, right? To have the reader connect with the character, and allow them to relate to them. Make sense? Let me know if it doesn't.

Next, would be that I have basically no idea of what her surroundings are. I understand that she hit the ground and is, of course, a little breathless from it and her vision is most likely blurry. But still, is everything about her black? Can she even see anything? What are her surroundings? Ask yourself that, and then try to paint a picture for us. While I was reading I felt completely lost, as there was nothing for me to grab onto. There was action words for me to grab onto, but those can only take you so far. You need a vision of the surrounding area in order to truly picture a scene. XD

What about the air? Is it cold? Hot? What does that feel like? Basically, what I'm thinking... I think you need to examine your description, and work on inserting more of the Five Senses into your writing. You have sight in here, and touch. But nothing else of what I can see. What you did in the beginning was good, though. She landed on a rough surface, so logically we are going to wonder what that must feel like, and you told us. But once she hits the ground, and then after she wakes from fainting... there needs to be description of what's around her. Describe the feel of the air. Describe the sounds around her (if there are any of these things, of course). Besides the voices, what other sounds are there? Are there any for that matter?

Clear up little details like that in your writing, so that your reader won't be confused or feel rushed. If some of this doesn't make sense, please tell me and I'll explain further.

I harshly land on a rough surface

I touch the blood dripping from my face, and know that other wounds are spilling blood around me

Of course, I am immediately alarmed, but I find this comforting.

These are not people I feel comfortable messing with.

Hey Alyssa! Its Sarah here to review. I have to say, you are descriptive. And you call me gory!

Okay, first thing- commas.
"I listen, and hear graspy, yet firm voices."- Graspy isn't a word, I think you meant raspy; You don't technically need any commas in this sentence, but to make it sound right, I would say, I listen and hear raspy but firm voices. Just a suggestion, but you definitely don't need a comma after listen.

Next, you kind of cancel sentences out with each other.
"Of course, I am immediately alarmed. For some odd reason, I find this comforting."- This doesn't make sense to me. In the first sentence, you say he is alarmed. But in the next sentence you say that comforts him. I don't know about you, but I can't be comforted that I am alarmed. Instead I would say, I am immediately alarmed at the sound, but comforted at the same time. After that continue on like you were.

Next, your phrasing.
"I haven't even waken, but a couple minutes ago, and I already hear what sounds to be a stampede."- How this is written, it doesn't make sense. When you read it aloud with pauses in every place you put a comma, the message is something completely different than I think you were going for. Instead, I would say it like this: "I haven't woken but a few minutes ago, and I already here the pounding of what sounds like a stampede."

Other things to point out about phrasing:
"In too much pain to move any longer, I lie there in the unknown."- I would rephrase to say, I am in too much pain to move any more, so I lie there in the unknown. It sounds right how you phrased it, but that isn't quite how the readers think. (I know how you write, so I know what you mean. I struggle with that too.)

Others:
"I wish to move out of the way, but I am still incapable of moving any inch of my body."- If you found this sentence in a book you were reading aloud, would you think that that first part of the sentence sounds natural? Remember, write like you normally would in your position as a middle school student. I personally would rather read a sentence that sounds more like this: I want to move out of the way, but I still can't move any part of my body. Consider it.

Now, description:
"After several minutes of misery and suffering,"- Try describing what he is feeling, and the pain he is in. That way the reader actually feels like he/she is actually in the book, living these events.

Other than that, looks good! I will continue to review further parts of your novel. Good luck!

Heya pretzelsing is here for a review,
I really liked this next section,although, I think that it is too short to be a chapter. Here are my nitpicks and points.

First of all, that last paragraph is too long.You should break it up in pieces. Here is how I would fix that;

I remain there, struggling to keep my eyes open. After several minutes of misery and suffering, I hear the sound of someone running by me. However, I do not see them. The sound of the person running continues for a minute. I listen attentively, and hear their feet stomping by my head. Of course, I am immediately alarmed. For some odd reason, I find this comforting. Perhaps it is the feeling that I am not alone.

Skip a line and make a new paragraph here.Remember to indent

Still, the darkness fills me with emptiness and curiosity. Something about this place seems familiar. It is as if I have been here before. I try to stand, but I am too weak and not able to move. I haven't even waken, but a couple minutes ago, and I already hear what sounds to be a stampede. The sound grows closer and the light grows brighter. I wish to move out of the way, but I am still incapable of moving any inch of my body. As the booming sounds continue to grow, I notice that I have begun to shake. I listen, and hear graspyraspy, yet firm voices.These are not people I feel comfortable messing with.

Skip a line and make a new paragraph here.Remember to indent.

The voices reassure me. They are not the same ones I heard from the door, but similar. It is obvious that they are of the same people. I want to cry for help, but I can’t. Never before have I had a fear as bad as this one. The fear of not being seen, of being trampled by the unknown, of not being able to do anything but lie there and face what comes for me.

I begin plummeting through the darkness and herehear nothing but my own screams.

My face scrapes up against the ground beneath me, which happens to feel like a cheese grater.

The sound grows closer and the light grows brighter.