Plainface: Regime 91

by AlyssaB506

Published July 3, 2016

E - Everyone

In The Door To Arabeth

Chapter 1

His cold, bare feet press into the ground as he searches, hoping only that the darkness would soon end. It no longer mattered if he made it to the regime, not as long as he escaped this tunnel. The dark pathway is haunting, sending icy chills down his spine. Brendon knows that there must be a way out, so he rips his hands through the dirt and digs.With little left to motivate him, his dirt-filled finger nails claw at the darkness, keeping his balance as he slides, and pulling himself up at each dead end. His breathing shallows as he encloses himself in smaller positions, running quickly out of air. It seems like this obstacle is endless, as it extends without giving any sign of an exit. His chest tightens and he folds himself into tight corners, sizing himself to fit the small paths he makes. Mustering together all the energy he can manage, he crawls through the tunnels, smashing into the corners, and moving blindly in search of the exit.

Brendon can hear the mutants trailing behind him with haste, tracking his scent. He knows that he has almost reached the 24 hour limit. In fact, he may only have two more remaining. 22 hours without food, without water, without company, and without light cause more pain and fear than expected. He can see nothing, but he can hear the squeals of the predators following. They're hunting him, already having had a taste of his blood from the sticky trails he leaves behind. He can smell the copper of blood and the sickening decay of flesh. He can feel the sharp rocks and grainy earth beneath him. With his goal instilled in his mind, he chooses to be oblivious to anything but the task at hand: reaching Regime 91.

Regime 91 is open to only the most mentally strong soldiers in the territory. And they have no tolerance for error, so they have created a three part entrance assessment that only those with the most skill and willpower could conquer. This test consists of obstacles that can easily harm and defeat its challengers, eliminating those that are not qualified to uphold their position. Even the boldest, strongest, and smartest of men are not always guaranteed to pass. The test requires an equal distribution of mental and physical strength, and once it starts, there is no going back.

Brendon came willingly, without the need of recruiters. Typically, a few recruiters will surface every couple months and talk to the people on the list. The list is a collection of names containing everyone in the territory that has not been associated with the government, and have shown willingness to stand against it. They say the regime has surveillance that has even surpassed that of the government, as it is necessary if they want to continue without drawing attention. This means that the list has been created to recruit only the most suitable. Even for a person on the list, the test ensures that it by no means indicates they will get through to the regime. This is why so few even dare to take the risk. That being said, recruiters have talked to Brendon before, but his dad normally pushed them away. It never really mattered though, because he already knew exactly where he needed to go.

Even considering his current circumstances, he can’t imagine having done anything differently. The blood, sweat, and tears he has marked these tunnels with is nothing compared to what he has to deal with in the territory. The thought of Touers alone causes his heart ache, and his gut twists in knots. No, he thinks. Touers isn’t what’s important right now. Quickly, Brendon scans his environment, searching for something to draw his attention away. It only takes a few seconds for him to find it, the smell of the corpse lying next to his right hand. Half of the flesh has already decayed, exposing part of the skeleton and rattling as Brendon’s hand slips and brushes the remains. At first, he struggles to concentrate on anything but the limbs breaking off. But at the sound of the gaining mutants, a jolt of fear runs through his body like a lightning strike, immediately alerting him. Many others have died on this journey, and it is made evident by the nauseating stench burning in his nostrils. Brendon thought he would be strong enough to survive, to be free of the control the territory has burdened him with. Yet he is now convinced that he will soon rot on this path like the others.

Brendon stops digging and relaxes for a moment. His heartbeat feels like a brick is being pounded against his chest, and his hands have been rubbed raw. These are the moments that cause a person to reflect on everything. Brendon has few regrets, but that’s only because he hasn’t had the opportunity to do much in his lifetime. This was his chance to turn it all around, to do all that he had been restrained from. All he had to do was pass. Though he can’t physically see it right now, he pulls a watch out of his pocket. His father’s watch. Brendon rubs his sweaty thumb along the edge, feeling for the metal latch that opens the back of it. His father made this watch and the hidden compartment in the back. He can’t see the picture right now, but just knowing that it’s there provides him instant relief. If he is to go, he wants to have this picture with him, his last family photo.

Though this is what he wants, to just lay here, Brendon knows that his father would have wished for more. He has always been the one that pushed Brendon, pushed him far passed what he ever would have believed he was capable of. These are the instances where Brendon missed his dad the most. But even with him gone now, he still has the thought of his father to keep him going. Brendon decides to stop digging with his hands when he reaches softer ground, and he turns his body so that he may use his heels to kick the dirt back. Pain shoots through his left leg, making him feel as though the skin on the surface is being ripped apart, but he keeps going.

Considering the looser ground, he knows that he is approaching his destination. Brendon kicks harder and faster, brushing the dirt behind his body and trying to ignore the excruciating feelings in his leg. He is so close, he feels as though he could stick his hand straight through the dirt and escape. His heart beats just about as fast as his legs kick, which is why he didn't pay much attention to the loud thumping sounds in his head. But at the moment, a sharp, dreadful pain occurs at the bottom of his right earlobe. The mutated creatures have caught up to him, one dangling from his ear. With one sweeping motion, Brendon wipes them all to the side and smashes his foot harshly through the dirt. A beam of light comes streaming into the tunnel. Brendon turns around to stick both hands through the hole and throws back the dirt. He moves his head and arms through, squeezing his way into the light. The animals have latched onto his legs, but all he can do now is pull himself forward. Brendon isn't processing his surroundings, but only acknowledges the fact that he is surrounded by light. The light that he has missed so desperately. With one last push, Brendon plummets, falling into the light and landing with a bone crunching thud. Once again, darkness masks Brendon’s sight, but this time he doesn't move and he doesn't fight.

Comments & reviews · 4
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megankenyon Comment
megankenyon commented Comment · Jul 4, 2016

Really interesting story, I love the opening! Its so chilling and the idea of the 'Regime' is something worth developing. It reminds me of a book called 'The Killables' which I really enjoyed! The use of the present tense is really well done, I could never sustain it as well as you have! Really well done!! Looking forward to reading more.

Thank you!!1 I really appreciate hearing that! :)

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megankenyon Review
megankenyon wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2016

Really interesting story, I love the opening! Its so chilling and the idea of the 'Regime' is something worth developing. It reminds me of a book called 'The Killables' which I really enjoyed! The use of the present tense is really well done, I could never sustain it as well as you have! Really well done!! Looking forward to reading more.

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Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2016

So I was reading through this work briefly, and smack dab in the middle of it all I realized something--throughout the whole work, you were using present tense. And you were using it well and consistently. You'll be surprised how rare that is, even in published books. If it doesn't switch involuntarily back to past tense every few minutes, it sounds incredibly childish and overdramatic. So I applaud you for a feat I have yet to see on this site. Very well done.

Overall, this first chapter was very well done. I didn't see anything that I'd consider a major grammatical or spelling error, and the general tone is very distinguishable. The voice doesn't shift around too much, it's not gritty enough to be the annoying overdramatic young adult novel, but it is dark enough to acknowledge the situation for what it is.

I think, if I had anything to complain about, I would probably complain about the length of your paragraphs. Now, this sort of thing isn't worth complaining about, but generally when breaking a new paragraph what the author is trying to do is tell the reader "Hey, this new event is important and you should pay attention to it." Whether this is a new line of dialogue or a change of scenery, the way you break a paragraph is the way you point where to pay attention to. Think of it like a camera from a film panning to a new scene. So when you have your paragraphs in bulks like you do here, it's difficult to tell where you're supposed to look and what's important in the text. Your protagonist is thinking about something? Make a new paragraph solely explaining that. Your protagonist is hiding behind a corpse? Make a new paragraph solely explaining that. Basically, your paragraphs are supposed to be talking about one thing and explaining one thing. Two things, if it's necessary to talk about two things and they're closely enough related to each other.

Another thing that would be worth looking at is the setting and how you describe it. You generally don't specify where the setting is, which makes it confusing to tell what's happening. Is he in a forest? Is he underground? Is he just rolling around in mud in some camp? The audience can't really tell. You don't have to tell us directly where the protagonist is, but some visual cues--trees, bushes, or just the bare land--really would help.

But anyway, this was a nice chapter. Good start.

Signing out,

--EM.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your feedback. I will work on the paragraphs, and sorry if the setting was confusing. I explain it in the second half of chapter one. Thanks! :)

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Zee6
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Zee6 wrote a review Review · Jul 4, 2016

Hey,
So I see you want reviews so might as well give into your wishes. This is a very interesting start. I liked how it began with a life threatening situation then explaining from there instead of explaining and going into a situation. I really am interested in this. So far this seems like something I Would actually read.

So I didn't find anything wrong with grammar or paragraphing. Your descriptions were awesome and structure wasn't a problem either. Really there wasn't anything wrong with this at all. You should be proud of this. I'm really trying to search my brain here for something to give you but I have nothing. So if you do another chapter let me know and I'll come and review and read. I want to know what happens. So keep up the good work and have a great day.
-Zee

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!

Zee6 replied · Jul 4, 2016

Yeah:)



A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb