Published February 14, 2017
His cold, bare feet press into the ground as he searches, hoping only that the darkness would soon end. It no longer mattered if he made it to the regime, not as long as he escaped this tunnel. The dark pathway is haunting, sending icy chills down his spine. But Brendon knows that there must be a way out, so he rips his hands through the dirt and digs. His dirt-filled finger nails claw at the darkness, keeping his balance as he slides, and pulling himself up at each dead end. His breathing shallows as he encloses himself in smaller positions, running quickly out of air. It seems like this obstacle is endless, as it extends without giving any sign of an exit. His chest tightens and he folds himself into tight corners, sizing himself to fit the small paths he makes. Mustering together all the energy he can manage, he crawls through the tunnels, smashing into the corners, and moving blindly in search of the exit.
Brendon can hear the mutants trailing behind him with haste, tracking his scent. He knows that he has almost reached the 24 hour limit. In fact, he can’t have more than two more remaining. 22 hours without food, without water, without company, and without light cause more pain and fear than expected. He can see nothing, but he can hear the squeals of the predators following. They're hunting him, already having had a taste of his blood from the sticky trails he leaves behind. He can smell the copper of blood and the sickening decay of flesh. He can feel the sharp rocks and grainy earth beneath him. With his goal instilled in his mind, he chooses to be oblivious to anything but the task at hand: reaching Regime 91.
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Okay! Firstly, amazing beginning! I would love to read more. I agree with jim in that you should either start with a character's name, or introduce them via their own introduction to another character or another character simply greeting them. Also, this is not first person as Feltrix seems to think. First person is "I" messages. "I did this" not "he did this" so you are doing OK.
Actual critiquing time! So far I only really got confused when it says that he is trying to get to Regime in the first paragraph. I couldn't tell if it was a place or government. Here is a suggestion. If you are talking about a place or series of places with the same name, capitalize the name. As for anything else, the only awkward phrasing I noticed was "dirt-filled finger nails." See if there is any way to re-phrase that, that also makes sense. Although, I can understand if you have trouble, it's just a detail that is hard to describe while keeping the frantic voice.
Jimss here
First off, good stuff. My honest advice? Switch the paragraphs around and change a few words to make the emotional punch still come in at the end. When I first read it the way you had intended it I was a little confused, but when I read the second paragraph first, BOOM, much more emotion.
Short work, quick review. You know how it is. But DAMN, you do a great job of describing things. That stuff was gold.
One parting piece of advice. If you want to introduce a character's name in the intro, either start with it or don't mention it at all. To be reading a story about an unknown person to have then the name introduced apropos of nothing feels a little awkward.
Good stuff. Good stuff.
Sincerely,
Jimss, The Worst Reviewer. Ever.
I don't have enough criticism for a full review, but I would speak in past tense. Present tense only makes sense to me when you're writing in second person (yes, that's a thing), which you're not. This isn't really that important, but it's a switch I would make.
Please ignore the errors in my description
. I was typing quickly!