z

Young Writers Society



Adventures In My Mind ::Introduction::

by Aly_Tobias


::Introduction::

How many of you have multiple personalities, or in my case past lives, lying in the back of your mind constantly muttering to you all day long and putting in their opinion when no one has asked them? I do. My name is Razi Tobias and as you may have already guessed, I’m no normal teenager. Technically, I’m not even human. You heard me right people, I ain’t human, I’m a lycan. Please do excuse my horrible accent, I live in the South.

I know some of you are sitting back and thinking, what the hell is a lycan? Allow me to explain. Most of you would call us werewolves, but let me warn you in advance, call me that and we’re going to have a problem with each other. Yes I am a shapeshifter, even though I’m too young to even think of attempting it, but I also suffer from lycanthropy. Yes, it is a disease. Lycans, depending on their breeds, turn into different animals of their own violation, that’s the key people; we change because we want to not because we have no control over it. Werewolves on the other hand change with the phases of the moon and have no control over themselves or what they do when they’ve changed. Quite frankly I’m glad that I’m not one of them because I could cause a lot of harm.

My race is super strong, wicked fast, and all your normal senses? Yeah we have those to the extreme plus a few more “sixth senses” of our own. Now all you kids out there thinking, “Woah! That sounds so cool!” I laugh at you. Honestly I do. This is not something that happened to me because I wanted “super powers”, I can’t even tell normal people that I’m a lycan. Can you imagine some kid in your school walking around claiming to be of my race? They’d get thrown into the loony bin as soon as a teacher saw them; you and I both know that. Not to mention there are a lot of unpleasant side affects to lycanthropy. For one the phases of the moon messes with me in ways that are much too personal to tell you not to mention all you kids out there that think your school stinks, imagine it from my point of view, who has a better sense of smell than you. Talk about torture!

But I digress. This is about my “mental helpers” not lycanthropy. I apologize; there are times I tend to get off track. So, here’s the low-down on the other people inhabiting my brain, my “sisters” if you will. I got four people, so this is going to take a while.

First in on the line-up we have my lovely eldest sister Lai. She was my very first life, grew up in ancient Scotland people, so you already know she’s a looker. Born in the 300s, and yes I do mean in the Common Era, Lai was a Druid, fortune teller, and last but not least one of the most caring people the Isles have ever seen. This woman is my thinker, counselor, and general advice-giver. So if you hear me spouting off some physco-mumbo-jumbo you can normally assume this woman is helping me. Standing at 5’ 7” Lai is slender but with some curves on her frame, grayish green eyes and dirty blonde hair. She is always wearing her favorite long flowy white dress and has earned the nickname “butterfly catcher” for her craziness and fun-loving attitude.

My second eldest sister is a bit of a side-show freak, and I mean with the most love and respect a youngest sister can say that with. Krys Tobias is a German traveler born in the 1300s, yes I know there’s a wide gap between my lives, and also happened to be a cross-dresser in her spare time. If you spot her without her shape-changing corset on she’s very buxom, has long mousy brown hair she normally restrains in a braid that ends at the bottom of her shoulder blades, stands at 5’ 10” and the tallest of our group while having gorgeous dark brown eyes that most girls would find themselves staring into if they belonged to a guy, and considering her little “hobby” most girls find themselves staring. Now I know you’re sitting here reading cross-dresser and cringing while making all sorts of jokes but you have to understand the era that Krys was from. In her age women were nothing. She had a large family back home that she had to try to help out and masquerading as a guy was the only way she could bring home enough money to help support them unless she wanted to sell out her body which was really not an option considering if she was found doing that she would be burned at the stake. This woman is my backbone. In the years before I realized that I had lived more than one life she would step in for me if I couldn’t handle a situation. Of all my sisters she is perhaps the most protective of me, and while she is always teasing me I always know that she loves me and is only looking out for me.

Third in line I’m here to reintroduce you to Aly Tobias, whom most of you already know based on my username alone. Born in the 1700s during the Salem witch trails in Salem itself this woman is the most devout Christian you will find anywhere. For this fact alone we are constantly butting heads because you see people, I’m a Wiccan, not exactly a religion that Christians of the Salem era approved of. If I ever need a lecture I know I can go to her and get my mind chewed out until I lay in a pile of hamburger meat on the floor. An amazing apothecary Aly knows almost as much about herbs and their medicine as a Native American medicine man but is a lot snippier in her replies to your questions. At the tall height of 5’ 6” she finds herself one inch taller than me which allows her to look down on me with her stormy blue eyes, auburn hair, nice figure but gets covered up in her very crisp dresses from her era and let me tell you people those dresses have so many hidden pockets you could make another dress using all the pocket material alone…and I’m not exaggerating.

Now we come to the very special fourth person on our line up. Her name is Yuna, she is over 7000 years old, and no she is not one of my past lives; however, she is my wolf side, a special guiding spirit that each lycan has. This woman is the biggest pain in the butt that you will ever meet in your life, not to mention she has the most perverted mind you will ever see, even when considering most of the males on this planet. She is 5’ 9” with gorgeous salt and pepper hair that she keeps down at all times, her figure is curved but proportioned just right for her average body-style, oh and there are two special things about her; first of all she has wolf ears and a tail that she keeps out at all times even though she could shift them back into her body, and her eyes are silver with slit pupils. I complain about Yuna a lot just for her inappropriate comments alone, but she really does help me a lot. There are times when I’m freaking out of my mind and she can just say one thing and I’m calm again. She is a big help to me.

Well I can tell that half of the guys in the world are drooling at their computer screens about now so I’ll leave them to that. These girls are my sisters and guiding helpers, even if they do love to tease me about lots of different things that we’ll get into later. Let me tell you we have some crazy stories to tell, so you might want to read on, you may find that we interest you.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 125

Donate
Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:57 am
SASSYLADY333 wrote a review...



Yes, in this case less is not more. I'm a bit curious why you mentioned that bit about your name.[Aly Tobias] For a second in my imaginative, yet guilible mind I thought maybe you were saying all of this stuff was true...[before I saw that this was a fictional post lol!]

Anyway the reference to your screen name was odd. Because I'm not sure if you are acting as a ficitional character telling us some of your experiences...[Well as you would continue.]


Maybe that doesn't make sense, but anyway you gave us background but no real story line. It was like a introduction, and the character list of a book byte merged together.

Think about who your character is[well you got that part down, but you could describe her a bit more!], what is the purpose of their story. And let us as the readers be able to see it through your eyes.

So if you would want this as an introduction, you need to mention some of your plot. You mentioned being a lycan, so what do you as a lycan with multipersonalities[not sure if i should i take that literally] have to go through? What happens in your life? What's frustating about what your going through?

Some other things to mention, but mostly I think this post can't stand on its own. It's very promising, and I hope you have more! Also you could think about working on your tone. For instance you seem to have the same Tone as Maxium Ride [ really good book], but Max was able to talk to us while sucessfully narating her own life. So just be careful of that!

Wow, this is turning into long advice that I'm not completey liscensed to give [ hence my grammar issues ;)!]

Overall, I really love what you have presented here. Mostly because it reminds me of Animorphs...and yeah I'm a dork like that! Happy Writing!:)


p.s- Part Three od TSAJ is up, any suggestions? ;(?




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 42

Donate
Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:46 pm
Sweeney_Todd says...



Her name is Yuna, she is over 7000 years old

there should be a comma in 7,000.

And this
is

WAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

too talkative. TALK about your major INFO dump!!!!




Random avatar

Points: 1990
Reviews: 254

Donate
Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:25 am
mikedb1492 says...



Ya, I'm pretty hooked too. I will admit it was an information dump, but I thought it was pretty cool.
Personally I think this sounds like it would be an awesome manga, but will be an amazing book, too. I can't wait.




User avatar
108 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 108

Donate
Sat Feb 23, 2008 5:45 pm



Actually I love this.
When does the real story come???




User avatar
497 Reviews


Points: 6400
Reviews: 497

Donate
Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:54 pm
Teague wrote a review...



Hello there! I haven't seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. ^_^

I've only scanned this, because after reading just your first two paragraphs, I knew that this wasn't really going to be an introduction. This, my friend, is a massive information dump, or info dump for short. All you do is sit here and tell me what's in the story. That's not very exciting, is it? I feel like I'm sitting in class and being lectured. Nobody likes lectures. ;)

Introductions are supposed to hook the reader, not bore them. The best way to do this is to scrap this whole thing (keep it for reference if you like) and restart with a different introduction -- one with action. Action is what hooks the reader into the story and gives him/her a chance to connect and identify with the characters. You need to hit us with some fast-paced action right away. All this information here? That can come later. You need to start off with action and show the reader what your story is all about. I'm sure you've heard the whole showing vs. telling battle; this is where it's applied. I want to be able to close my eyes and clearly visualise your story. But I can't because there's no showing here. Just telling.

So, what I suggest is that you start your story HERE. Get rid of this, and jump right into the action. You should never set up your story like this -- you want to mix your exposition in with the action, along with detail and descriptive language. The whole story banks on action, and stuff like this needs to come in the parts where you slow the action down for this very reason. But here, as the first thing your reader is going to see, it's unhealthy. ;)

Keep it up, though! Never get discouraged. :)

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

-Saint Razorblade
THe Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:





If you're paranoid that you're making your novel worse with each passing decision clap your hands
— Panikos