"Stop!" That was the last word I ever heard my mother say. It was about two years ago my father and mother got into a fight about something ridiculous. "Jeremy, let me go!" For an unknown reason father was worried mother was going to leave him. "Let me go!" She yelled once more. While this was all happening I was hiding in the closet terrified.
"You're not leaving me!" He told her. "If you want to go that badly I'll help." Father walked over to the gun cabinet and pulled out a pistol. Pinning mother up against the wall he held the gun to her head.
"Stop!" Mother was crying and praying that he wouldn't harm her, but there was no changing his mind. He pulled the trigger and mother fell to the ground. There she lay pale and lifeless. Blood flowed onto the ground staining the wood. Father stood over her dropping to his knees. He threw the pistol down.
He grabbed mother and cried holding her in his arms. He picked the pistol back up and aimed it for his head, and just like that both mother and father were gone. It’s been a while since then. Now I live with my aunt Dehniece and her son Justin. We live in a little village not that far from the forest. It’s peaceful and doesn't have that many residents. I enjoy it here.
Two Years Later...
"Layala! Supper time!" Aunt D yelled at me from outside.
"Coming!" I yelled back to her from the flower meadow. I sat up and ran over to Ian's house. It’s about five minutes away, so I didn’t mind. "Hey! Come out!" I yelled at Ian. He came out from his house and stepped out onto his porch.
"What do you want?" He asked.
"Want to come over for supper?" Since our village is so small we know most of our neighbors, and they don't mind if we go missing for a little because they know we'll be with one of the other kids.
"Sure!" He ran inside and put on his shoes. "Race you!" On the way home we tried taking a shortcut through the forest, but I got separated from Ian.
I came across this path in the middle. I was tempted to go down it, but I felt as if someone was watching me. That and Ian was calling for me. When I finally found him we ran to the house. Aunty was inside at the dinner table with Justin and his friend Braiden. We joined them and ate supper. Tonight we had shepherds pie and for dessert we had bread pudding. When we finished Ian and I went up to my room. "Let's go stargazing tonight." He told me.
"Okay, but we have to be home before 1:00 and we have to bring the rifle." Ian looked at me a little confused. "We bring the rifle because what if a bear comes at us, that and the new predators around here."
One Hour Later...
It was 11:49 p.m. "Let’s go." I whispered to Ian. We snuck out of my bedroom window and ran as fast as we could to our special place. It’s a little patch of grass in the middle of the forest and has the best view of the stars. This was the first place we met. It was a few years ago, when I first moved here. I came here crying because suddenly all of my emotions devoured me. He sat there next to me and comforted me. Since then we have officially claimed this spot. When we got to our spot I set the blanket on the ground and Ian helped me spread it out.
We sat on the blanket and Ian lit a lantern. We both sat there looking at the stars and pointing out constellations. While he was looking up I looked directly at him. His black hair stood out and his bright blue eyes sparkled in the starlight. That moment I realized how gorgeous he was and how lucky I am to have him. He looked down at me. "What?" He asked looking confused.
"Nothing." With that said we went back to looking at the stars. After a little I began to become cold, and I think Ian noticed because he told us that we should go home. "Bye." I told him as I crawled through my window with the ladder.
I closed my window as quietly as I could so I didn't wake the others, even though I'm sure that Justin and Braiden are still awake. I walked into my bathroom brushed my teeth then put on a pair of blue flannel pajama shorts and a blue long sleeve. I got under the covers and looked up at the ceiling. I lay the quiet when I heard a noise outside. I got out of bed made my way to the window. I looked out and there I saw a pair of glowing red and green eyes.
I ran downstairs and out the door. Just like that the eyes were gone. Luckily I didn’t wake mother. I slowly walked back into the house and right as I entered I heard footsteps behind me. Without looking back I shut the door and went back into my room, but when I got there was someone standing in the middle of my room. Just like the pair of eyes I saw glowing outside his were glowing red. Someone came up behind me tying my hands together and blindfolding me. That was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey! Fang4life101 here, and I just wanted to say that I LOVED this! This was so good! Despite a few punctuation errors, everything else was JUST about perfect! I loved the suspense at the end, the tension between her and Ian, the sad moments at the beginning between the mom and the dad, I just loved it! I just really hope that you can write the next chapter soon, so that none of your fans don't fall off the cliffhanger you left us on!

Great job, again! And I'm really looking forward to reading what you have next!
Hey,
I really liked this passage! Your introduction is pretty strong, and I feel like the first few paragraphs introduce the main character and their past pretty well. I was definitely shocked when I read it. However, the second passage was a little weak. It didn't really introduce Ian or any of the characters that well. I want to know more about them. The last passage was pretty spooky, and I like how the mood changes from calm to eerie. You also are missing a few commas:
"That, and Ian was calling for me. When I finally found him, we ran to the house."
Other than that, I think your story is lovely. Keep in mind that these are all my opinions and I'm just giving constructive criticism. I look forward to reading more!
Hey there,
Can't wait to read chapter 2!
Your opening sequence was what caught my eye. It was disturbing, even more so by the fact that it's witnessed through the eyes of a child. Well done! This is heavy stuff, but you write realistically and stick to the point.
Some small suggestions:
- some of your sentences are a little too short and interrupt flow. Maybe consider linking related phrases together with a conjunction or a preposition?
- she runs over to her best friend's house to ask him over for dinner and he greets her with a: "What do you want?" This seems like kind of an unfriendly way to address someone your that familiar with. How about a "What's up?" or a simple "Hey!"
- the narrator takes a shortcut, gets separated from best friend and finds a mysterious unknown path. Said narrator feels tempted to go down the path, but feels watched and hears her friend call out to her. Ok, so that's cool, but you might want to elaborate HOW exactly the narrator gets separated, otherwise it seems slightly unlikely. Also, she says she feels tempted to explore it, but her aunt's called her for dinner and she's already detoured to collect her friend... so yeah, you might want add that she wanted to explore it later rather than right then.
- the narrator suggests they bring a rifle to their stargazing expedition. Ian (who you say is also a local resident) doesn't understand the request. Shouldn't he know about the bears she's worried about? Or the fact that there are no bears and he should be worried that she's so uneasy?
There are a few minor inconsistencies ("I live with my aunt Dehniece and her son J" [Justin]?), and grammar issues but you've probably already got those covered.
Hi!!!
Let me start by saying I love the amount of description you put into your work! It's nice to be able to read at length and not be confused by what's happening in the story due to your clear style of writing.
That being said - dialogue said by a new character should probably be on a new line! I noticed a few times that you would have a paragraph and keep the dialogue in with the para rather than giving it it's own line. I think if you did that your writing would be a lot clearer to read! Maybe that's just me though.
I'm excited to read more! Hope you have a good night