The King - Prologue

by Alvarin

Published December 29, 2012

In The King

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“This is madness!” The little man puffed up his chest to a point where the buttons of his suit threatened to tear loose. His desperation was badly hidden, and had already started to spread to the other men. “Mr. Rosen had already gone insane when he wrote it. If we follow through with this,” he tossed the bundle of papers onto the floor, an act that startled the others, ”we're all going to end up in jail!”

The others gawked at the man while he spoke, and talked quietly amongst each other. There were at least a dozen of them, all dressed up in expensive suits, most of them carrying a briefcase. Fear and greed were at war in their eyes, but no one seemed to be considering the ethical aspect. They were used to making decisions that were morally gray, or in this case, black. Their voices got louder as their fear threatened to overtake them.

A tall man, sitting in a leather chair behind a big mahogany desk, cleared his throat and leaned forward, looking at the others one by one, silencing them with his glare. It was clear to everyone that he was the one in charge. “So do we present the world with the first testament, which gives Mr. Rosen's whole fortune to his youngest son?” He stood up, walked around the desk and picked up the papers from the floor. “Or do we split half of the fortune amongst ourselves, and give the other half to the winner, as Mr. Rosen instructed in his second testament?”

“You're insane, Blake! We can't get away with something like that.” Even in the dim light of late Mr. Rosen's office they could see Blake twitch when the stout man called him by his given name.

“Oh, but we will, Mr. Welch, we will. Mr. Rosen wrote a third, false, testament for that purpose, stating that his whole fortune was to be given to his own charity fund. You, Mr. Johnson,” he turned towards a handsome young man with cold emotionless eyes, “are going to perform some magic with the numbers, as you have before, and no one will know a thing.”

A fourth, middle-aged and overweight man with a comb-over stepped forward, his head low like a cowering dog. The tension in the room had the same effect on many of them. “I don't understand why we can't keep all the money ourselves? We could just simply pretend to give it away but not hold the competition. It's not like Mr. Ro...” He was silenced by Blake's furious glare.

“Do you really want to deny Mr. Rosen his last wish?” There was a threat in his tone, and Blake made no effort to hide it.

“I can't go through with this. What you're planning is murder, and I'm not going to take part in this. God have mercy on your souls.” With that Mr. Welch turned to leave. He didn't even reach the door before a figure slipped out from a shadowy corner and shot him in the back. The silencer did not just muffle the noise of the gun but somehow seemed to absorb all the other sounds of the castle. A deadly silence settled in the office. The remaining men watched their former associate with wide eyes. If they had not realized the seriousness of the situation earlier, the death of Mr. Welch ensured that they did.

Blake was the first to speak, seemingly unaffected by the growing bloodstain on the Persian carpet. “I suggest letting my friend here take the part of the extra contestant.” There were no more objections that night.

While they finished their business, the shooter wrapped Mr. Welch's body in the carpet, and dragged it outside, leaving a sanguine trail through the castle.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
JohnLocke1
Review
JohnLocke1 wrote a review Review · Jan 1, 2013

I really liked your story. The word choices were top notch and the dialogue was actually believable. However, I would try to be clearer. I wasn't really sure what was going on. In fact, I almost thought it was random when the poor man was shot. It seemed to come out of nowhere. You need more build up or more description that makes these men seem evil enough to commit random acts of murder. Make the reader really see how greedy and heartless the men are. I'm very curious to see where the story goes from here. Please write more. Happy Writing!

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Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Dec 31, 2012

Hey Alva!

Here with your review, as requested. I hope it's worth your night's anticipation. ;)

Alright, firstly, and I think I speak for all blind reviewers when I say this: I hate you and your small print. -_-

I like that you changed it from the typical font, that makes it more interesting, but maybe up the size a bit? Alright, I've increased the magnification of my screen and am finished griping about that. Moving on...

I like the way you started your story. I adore description, and so 'The little man puffed up his chest to the point where the buttons of his suit threatened to tear loose.' hooked me from the start. Great job! :D

The others gawked at the man while he spoke, and talked quietly amongst each other.
~ There is nothing wrong with this sentence. It's a very decent sentence, and I'm only critiquing it because you mentioned that you were waiting for a grammatical review from a guy, so I assume that's what you're looking for help with, and thus going to submit the alternative, "The others gawked at the man as he spoke, talking quietly amongst themselves." But it's completely your choice. :)

A tall man, sitting in a leather chair behind the big mahogany desk, cleared his throat and leaned forward, looking at the others one by one, silencing them with his glare.
~ Yes! Yes! Yes! I adore the cumulative sentence, and this sentence is a wonderful manifestation of it. Very good.

I am liking Blake a lot. I also like the scene you provided me with. It's a very stark picture, and I can imagine perfectly Blake, calm and cold, cutting the guy down and making it very apparent that he wasn't to be referred to by his first name without sounding obnoxious. I don't like "You may refer to me as" and things like that. It just makes the speaker sound snobby and immature, but the:
“Oh, but we will, [i]Mr. Welch[i], we will.
~ Was very effective, while staying mature. Bravo.

It's not like Mr. Ro..”
~ Finally! Something to complain about! Mwahaha. It's generally accepted that you use three periods when you trail off like this, not two. (Know that this is your own fault. I have no choice but to resort to miniscule nitpicks in a piece so well written. ;) )

...Wow...

I'm having trouble finding the words for the last bit of this review. You moved through this piece swiftly and wonderfully. Your pacing is perfect, allowing me sufficient time to fully process and appreciate the scene you set forth while keeping me engaged and interested the entire piece. I am a snob, when it comes to grammar and descriptions, and you've given me nothing to complain about. Usually I can ramble on for ages...I'm not sure I like this... jk ;)

Ahah! Wait a minute, I've spotted...3 typos in your afternote..."finished", "add", and "working".

It was an amazing piece and I'd love to read more.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

TheMarauderBandit wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Well, I can admit that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Hooking me from the beginning, your writing didn't let me down-- it kept me interested the entire time. And everything just seemed to flow, loved your descriptions, and I can honestly say I'm looking forward to more of this story.

Also, I was very fond of the way you rushed things. I mean rushed, in a good way. You were blunt, cut to the chase, and I adored it. It's a difficult thing to do, and you've managed to pull it off. This is a rare feat. Good on you.

Although, I do have a few complaints. As previously stated, there are grammatical errors, and you've even admitted to that yourself, so I won't waste your time pointing those out.

First off, I suggest you use different wording. You used the description: "little man" multiple times, and that is a bit annoying. No offense, of course. Changing it out with something better, like describing why he was so little would help a bit. Stout, plump, short, something like that.

Secondly, add a bit of emotion. I realize before that I commented I liked the fact you were blunt. But you're telling, not showing (as cliche as that sounds). Add emotion to your piece. Whether out of your comfort-zone or not, you should be able to do that.

And, with that, I am done! Great job writing, and hope to see more of it soon!

~Bandit

User avatar
veeren
Review
veeren wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Hey Alvarin :D
This was one of the best works I've read in a while. While you're right about it being a bit confusing, I'm sure everything will be cleared up in later chapters.
Just a few nitpicks and I'll be on my way.

In the first paragraph:

Spoiler
...the others. ”Mr Rosen had...


The quotation mark seems to be backwards. (And according to Microsoft Word, there should be a period after the ‘Mr’)

And in the fourth paragraph:

Spoiler
...“will preform some magic ...


I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be perform.

Personally, I'd love to know who this 'everybody' is. There are only four people mentioned throughout the story, and one is dead by the end. It'd be great if I knew just how big of an audience this tall man had.
Other than that, I found everything else fine. You have a really great basis for a story and I'd love to read more if you write any.
Keep up the good work :D



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury