Chapter 1 - The man in the brook

by Alvarin

Published October 5, 2013

12+

In The Nix

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A/N: This is the first part of a serial I'm writing for Shino's Serial Contest. Hopefully I'll have the second part ready for next week.

The fresh morning air was a bit too cold for my liking. Whenever I was winded after climbing a steep hill it felt as if I was breathing pipe cleaners; scraping against my sore airways for every breath I took. At the top of another one of those hills I stopped and cupped my hands over my mouth in an attempt to warm them. The mittens that Annika forgot in my backpack had turned out to be a blessing, saving my fingers from getting stiff from the cold, though they weren't quite thick enough to keep me warm. If this year's hike had been like the previous ones I would've remembered to bring an extra layer of clothes, since I would've had to pack and carry my daughters' clothes as well, but this year I had only packed for myself and it had never occurred to me that I wasn't as resilient as my daughters made me out to be. In Gothenburg the thought of snow in September had been foreign, but here in the mountains it wouldn't have surprised me if big white flakes suddenly started falling onto the forest trail. The white against the flaming colours of the leaves of the mountain birches might have even been considered pretty.

The sweat-drenched back of my shirt was sticking to my skin, sending unpleasant shivers up my spine, so I started trudging up the mountain again. Since I was on my own this time I had chosen a much longer trail than usual, which would cross the border to Norway before it turned back again, and I was starting to doubt my decision. Work had kept me too busy to spend time with my family, much less go out for a run. Do they miss me? Annika and I had drifted apart during the summer. I had my work and my brother to take care of, while she had her own work and the children. It wasn't that we argued, rather the opposite. Our house was eerily silent, and the discussions and laughs that we normally had by the dinner table had suddenly disappeared. Even the children understood that there was a rift between their parents, and like us they seemed to think that they might break whatever was still there if they talked about it. I didn't want to end up like my brother, alone in a big house and only allowed to see my children every other week. Not that I thought that Annika would actually get a court order, but I still wouldn't get to see my daughters as often. You're not getting divorced, stop worrying.

I let out a deep sigh which turned into a painful cough as I finally reached the top of another hill, and I wasn't able to stop before I had gone through the arduous task of digging up the extra water bottle at the bottom of my backpack and taken a few gulps. From the hill I got the first view of the low round mountains that I was going to climb to get to Norway, and beyond them I saw the much higher, spiky and snow covered Norwegian mountains. It was stunning, and I couldn't help but take out my camera and take a few pictures. If I showed them to my brother I might be able to convince him to come with me, god knows he could need a change of air. Somewhere among the birches I could hear the rippling sound of water, and after consulting my map I knew I'd have to walk several kilometres before I encountered another brook, so I pulled the straps of the heavy backpack over my shoulders once again before stepping off the path and heading for the sound.

As I got closer, mist started to seep between the thin and crooked trunks of the birches, slowly creeping towards me. It was strange. I had crossed another brook earlier, and there hadn't been any mist there, nor anywhere else. The mist wasn't the only thing that struck me as weird. The sound of water was too loud, what had sounded like a little brook from the trail now sounded more like a rapid stream. If the mist gets any thicker I won't find my way back. I knew I should turn around, but the mystery of the stream seemed strangely alluring, making me quicken my pace until I was jogging. I needed to know what lay beyond the trees and the mist. It's just water.

I didn't realize I had come out of the forest until the sole of my boot landed on rock instead of soft heather. In front of me, below the cliff I was standing on, was a pool of water, supplied by a short waterfall on the cliff across from me. The water of the pool was dark and I couldn't even hint the bottom of it, while its outlet had quite a few jagged stones sticking out of it, making the water froth as it hit them. I strained my eyes in an attempt to see further, but it was impossible. I wanted to go closer, for a reason I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I'd need to fill my bottle anyway and that was reason enough. Carefully I started climbing down the slippery and moss covered rocks. I walked straight for as long as I could, but eventually I had to turn around and use my hands to climb. How am I supposed to get up here again? Of the trees behind me I saw nothing but the autumn leaves, and even their colour seemed to fade in the mist.

When my feet finally landed on the stony bank of the pool I was winded again, and my sore throat was begging me to cough, but I didn't have time. There was something I needed to find. I didn't know what exactly it was, but it was there, somewhere in the water. The water bottle! I twitched. That was what I was supposed to do, why had I forgotten? I shrugged my backpack off, taking out both my water bottles and slowly bending down. For a second I hesitated, then I plunged the bottle along with my hand down in the ice cold water. I filled the first bottle, then the other, and didn't realize that I had been holding my breath until I had put them back in my backpack. See, it was nothing. I chuckled. What had gotten into me? It must be the stress from work. I cupped my hands and drank a few gulps from the pool before standing up again, intending to find a way up again.

Beautiful music. My head snapped up towards the sound, so hauntingly beautiful and perfect that it made my eyes tear up. What I saw and heard made me unable to move, afraid that it might go away if I did. A naked man sat perched on a rock in the middle of the waterfall, his eyes closed as he played the violin. There was a garland made out of what looked like white waterlilies on his head, and he had black hair that flowed with the water into the pool and seemed to disappear into its depth. The force and temperature of the water didn't seem to bother him the slightest, and even stranger was the fact that I could clearly hear the melody he was playing, even though it should be impossible. I'm seeing things. Slowly I stood up, not sure what I should do. Could something so wonderful really be an illusion? I didn't recognize the melody he was playing, and something told me that it was not my lack of interest in classical music that was to blame. He had to be real, but at the same time he couldn't be. Should I try to talk to him? I opened my mouth, but found myself unable to speak. I didn't want to interrupt that music, music which was calling out to me with every note, pleading for me to come closer. There was no way I could refuse that music, so I took a step out into the water, which suddenly seemed so much warmer than before, even as it poured into my boot. A few more steps and I had water up to my waist. When it reached my chest the man suddenly opened his eyes, freezing me in place with his piercing gaze. Their pale grey colour seemed to glow in comparison to his pitch black hair, and they didn't leave mine for a second. He slid down from the rock soundlessly, and even after he disappeared under the surface I could still hear the violin playing its beguiling melody. Two arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me down into the warm darkness and closer to the sound of the perfect music. I was afraid at first and struggled against those arms, but the music got louder and I realized that I didn't want to go up to the surface again. I didn't want to stand shuddering in the cold above, wondering whether my wife still loved me and feeling the stress from the work which held a constant grip of my heart, not when the darkness was so appealing. With those thoughts I let myself be pulled down.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · May 8, 2014

Hey Alvarin!

Why am I reviewing such an old work? Because a review always helps and I wanted to read the previous chapters before I moved on to the future ones.

I have to say, you've got an amazing writing style. You sucked me in with the beautiful descriptions of the landscapes and the man with his violin... I could just imagine it for a moment there myself. The last paragraph looks pretty long... maybe split that one in two? But really, I have so few criticisms for this so it will really be a short review from me xD Let's move on to nitpicks!

The sweat drenched back of my shirt


You either mean sweat-drenched like this, or the sweat drenching the back of my shirt... I am not sure which.

and I could help but take out my camera


I couldn't would be what fit best.

Of the trees behind me I saw nothing but the autumn leaves, but even their colour seemed to fade in the mist.


You used but twice here, which seemed a bit much and then you used it at the beginning of the following paragraph as well. So just make sure you mix it up a bit more.

I didn't want to interrupt that music, music which was calling out to me with every note, pleading for me to come closer


Hmm... I could see what you were trying to do with the repetition there, but in this case I thought it would be more appropriate to leave that out. So: I didn't want to interrupt the music which was... etc.

As said before, so few things I would change. At one point you mentioned what type of mittens he was wearing by using a name, and in that case I wouldn't do that. That extra name there threw me off for a moment and it wasn't entirely necessary.

Other than that... superb chapter ^.^ I'll read more when I get back from school!

Deanie x

Alvarin replied · May 8, 2014

Thank you for the review ^^ I've tried to fix everything you pointed out.
As for the lovikka mittens, it's something one wouldn't look twice at if it was written in Swedish, but now when you point it out I realize that it doesn't quite make sense in English.

User avatar
Blackwood
Review
Blackwood wrote a review Review · Oct 5, 2013

WOOO! GO ALV

Love it.

Just going to give you a quick review starting with this one line

Whenever a steep hill made me winded it felt as if I was breathing pipe cleaners, which scraped against my already sore airways for every breath I took.

Just head that over. Its a mouthful. It's your second line of the piece too, so I feel like you need a real hooker. What you are saying here is interesting... but I feel it is not structured well and feels like it runs on a bit. Try something like this instead.
"Whenever I was winded after climbing a steep hill it felt although I was breathing pipe cleaners; scraping themselves up against my sore airways for every breath I took."
I don't know if my example is particularly great, but if you like it go ahead, either way I think you need to revise that line.

Selma and Nora's

and Annika..
Basically I really don't like name dumps. If you are putting a name in you need two thing.
1. You have to tell the reader who it is
2.They should play more significance in this story.
If these are his daughters say "My daughters." Or "My daughters, Selma and Nora"
Annika seems to have a more important role, and I'm guessing shes the wife, but you need to say "My wife"

I would like a little more description to do with the lake man. Just a little.

I would also like to know why he is hiking and where he is going. If its for a leisure trip say so, if its for xyz, say so, it doesn't have to be detailed, just one sentence integrated in so we know what hes doing.

Looking forward to the next part.

Alvarin replied · Oct 5, 2013

Thanks, Blackie :3 I made some changes. The man in the brook is going to be described more in the next part, I just wanted to give a quick first impression here :)

User avatar
GlitterGabbi
Comment
GlitterGabbi commented Comment · Oct 5, 2013

I looked at your description. :3
"violin near a brook"

It's funny because there's this One Piece character called Brook that plays a violin.
What a coincidence! xD

xxFleetingEternity wrote a review Review · Oct 5, 2013

Wow. This was brilliant, sorrowful, beautiful, and depressing all in one. Right up my alley. I thoroughly enjoyed your amount of detail and figurative; it helped improve the eerie, suspenseful feel of the story and dramatized the end with a beautiful twist. I like the way the character seemed enraptured by the mysterious figure, the way he seemed so frozen by it. It had a very surreal vibe to it. The progression of this short piece involved such plot, which is astounding with its length. I really, truly did love this piece. That being said, I don't have much to criticize (nor the time to bring criticism up). Which means I'll just say, great job, keep it up.

Au revoir,
xxFleetingEternity



Sea and Sky- both blue. Once, in proposal, Sea turned red. Sky's father- Sun forbade so she wept as rain, uniting the lovers in defiance.
— AlexWrites