Alone.

This is one my first works, any comments are welcome. Criticism is appreciated. Thank you!

Alone

I returned from work one day. Boring day as usual. I had picked up groceries on my way. I threw them on the kitchen table and went to take a shower. A hot steamy shower helps a lot after a long day. Especially when you live by yourself.

About half an hour later I started devouring some leftover pizza while watching the television. I heard a sound come from my bedroom. I shrugged and ignored it.

After my dinner I went to the park to take a walk. Mr. Edgar, my neighbour, greeted me as he took his after dinner walks too. Soon I found myself talking to a couple of young lads who were playing frisbee with their dog, Lily, beautiful golden retriever with long fur. I took out my phone and started clicking some snaps of the lovely animal.

I loved taking pictures, it was a hobby that had intrigued me since childhood. It was a hobby that I still pursued.

I strolled back to my house and called up the maid to do the laundry. I was quite a lazy bum when it came to chores. My maid was a sweet old lady in her mid 50's who would often come up and help me. She did her work and left within an hour. I locked the door and prepared for the night. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at once.

At about 3 in the night I heard the same sound. I was so sleepy that I didnt even budge.

I woke up late. Made some coffee and had some biscuits. My phone rang. It was from work, I ignored it. My head was too heavy from last night, although I didnt know why. I picked up my phone and started browsing through the pictures that I clicked yesterday. There were pictures of Mr. Edgar watering his plants, of the children playing, of Lily, and myself.

There were pictures taken of me while I was sleeping, timed at 2.57 am. I lived alone?

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:45 pm

artemis15sc wrote a review...

Happy review day!

A hot steamy shower helps a lot after a long day.

I don't understand why this sentence was italicized. italics are usually to show emphasis, so why did you decide to emphasize this sentence? I'm legitimately curious.

Soon I found myself talking to a couple of young lads who were playing frisbee with their dog, Lily, beautiful golden retriever with long fur.

This is an example of a comma splice, or when two phrases were joined together my a comma when they shouldn't have been. there are many ways to fix it, though an easy one would be like this:

Soon I found myself talking to a couple of young lads who were playing frisbee with their dog, Lily, a beautiful golden retriever with long fur.

It was a hobby that I still pursued.

I'm going to rant a little bit about the word that. That is a word we often use unnecessarily in the english language. I recommend combing through your writing and investigating your use of the word that. if the sentence makes sense without like, delete it. Like so, "It was a hobby I still pursued."

I know it seems like a tiny thing, but every word counts in writing. You don't want one more word than you need.

I woke up late.

I would reference exactly when it was that he woke up late. Three days later? A week? A month? Just because that line feels a little jarring.

OoO, spookey ending. I loved it. This peice is intersting to me because there wasn't a lot of conflict, but I felt like that was the point since you were showing how boring his life was. That last little bit gave it just the kick it needed to be memorable. Nicely done.

Thanks for sharing!

-Art

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Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:41 pm

RagingLive wrote a review...

Hi, there, Altamash22! I starred this last night so I could come back and give it a proper review today! I hope you don't mind!

I am a big fan of mystery/suspense and have read my fair share of horror, so I love stalkings and hauntings and such. Short, brief sentences can deliver a lot of suspense and expectation and send some shivers, but the majority of all of your sentences were short even when they had no punch the pack. Let's try the first paragraph.

I returned from work one day. Boring day as usual. I had picked up groceries on my way. I threw them on the kitchen table and went to take a shower. A hot steamy shower helps a lot after a long day. Especially when you live by yourself.

Now let's edit to make it run a bit more smoothly. The underlined are things I've added.
"I returned home from work one afternoon, it had been a boring day as usual. I had picked up groceries on my way home and didn't feel like messing with them at the moment, so I threw them on the kitchen table and went to take a shower"
(I'm not sure why you whole next line italicized, But Steampowered already mentioned that, so moving on.)
"A hot steamy shower always helps after a long day at the office" Or wherever else this person works. I would strike the last line because it kinds of sticks out like a sore thumb. Showers are nice when you live alone? I don't quite get that, but I do get why you wanted to slip in the fact that he lives alone. In this case, reference it in the line about the groceries, saying something like:
"I threw them on the kitchen table and went to take a shower. I lived alone and no one would mess with it anyway." Or something along those lines.

About half an hour later I started devouring some leftover pizza while watching the television. I heard a sound come from my bedroom. I shrugged and ignored it.

WHY DO YOU IGNORE IT, THIS IS LIKE MY BAD DREAMS IN A HORROR MOVIE!!! Okay, why did he ignore it? Show me his thoughts! I want to know if he thought that a book fell off of his nightstand or wondered if the door just slammed from a draft or something.

My maid was a sweet old lady in her mid 50's who would often come up and help me.

Fifties isn't that old to me, I seem to think of people in their fifties as middle-aged and because my parents are around this age, it didn't really offend me, it actually made me laugh. (Maybe you'll understand if you ever have a 93 year-old-grandmother who lives independently and still gets up every morning to make my grandfather his bacon and eggs!)

At about 3 in the night

To make it a little more professional, I would suggest that you write out the number here -
"At about three o'clock in the morning"

. . . and myself.

There were pictures taken of me while I was sleeping, timed at 2.57 am. I lived alone?

I would rephrase to:
"They were pictures of me taken while I was sleeping, the timestamp 2:57 am. I lived alone."

Someone once gave me some really good advice, some that I don't often share with others. Slow down, and don't let me see so much of the story right now. You have wonderful detail, but I feel as if you're lacking the flow of dialogue and actions. Hopefully, we will all get a chance to see your future works and watch your writing talent develop in these next few years. You're awesome, keep up the good work!!

Keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RagingLive

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Thu Sep 03, 2015 2:09 pm

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deleted21 wrote a review...

Hello there, first of all, welcome to the site! I really hope that you're going to have a lot fun here! ^_^

It was your title that dragged me here to read your story because I tend to be a lazy person >_< so, good work with your title.

I really liked your describing style. And, I can see your reviewers have already said pretty much everything about your story and all that improvement you can have, so I don't feel like going there, so don't mind, please.

Your story gives a soothing feeling which is awesome. Like all those: coffee, steamy shower (reminds me if a friend who already did an amazing review for your story!) , pizza, watching television, sleeping (I love to sleeeep!) etc. Yes, so, WAIT! I really think you should have paid attention to the sounds coming from your bedroom! :3 Because, it's so dangerous! Could be thief, serial killer anybody! Anyway, don't mind my nature! Ignore me! (I hope to get into FBI when older anyway!)

So, finally I wanna say, great story! Good work with suspense! Now, if you work on a second part, I'd be very glad to have that read! So, hope to see you around, mate!

~Nire.

Points: 3187
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Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:09 pm

fukase wrote a review...

Hi,
I'm surprised. Very surprised.

Your tone used in this story is so soft. I love it. It feels so smooth and relaxing. And I feel like sleeping. And then you shock me with the awful question on the last part. It still sticks on my brain and I'm still shocked. You have the talent to write suspense stories, so keep it up. Practice makes perfect, but imperfection is better.

I don't feel like to correct your grammars, so please search for them and repair them. steampowered had written some of them. Pardon me for that.

And concerning these sentences:

About half an hour later I started devouring some leftover pizza while watching the television. I heard a sound come from my bedroom. I shrugged and ignored it.

This means a lot. It shows the carelessness of the persona and the way the persona lives. This is also one of the creepiest part of the story.

I notice that you never explain on who is the persona, but his/her age. I know it by the lifestyle of the persona and by the call from his/her work. But still, explain the personal thing about him/her. Is it male or female. How's his/her eyes. I know that this is not a novel, but the readers like me is so curious about the look of the person that tells his/her story to us. Remember that setting up is important. Describe more and I'll love you.

I'm so being-surprised again by the cleverness of your style. You mostly used the method, telling instead of showing here, but it's very good because of the story simpleness. Most readers love being showed than being told. They want to taste the coffee, not telling he/she made the coffee.

My review is coming to its end...

So for the things I would like to highlight for you to improve in your future works is try to explain/describe more. I know it is hard, but be brave to face it. Show, don't tell. And this story deserves for revision and perhaps this story could be improved and could be continued.

Well, last but not least, please keep writing!

~Memo

P/s: I love coffee...

Altamash22 says...

Hehe... I'll definitely "show" you coffee next time!
This story was just loosely based on an idea I got in school. Hadn't meant to post it but did it anyway.
And yeah I will certainly make a better effort to describe n explain more.
Thanks!!

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Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:07 pm

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Halfbloodcheetah wrote a review...

Wow... That was a creepy story... I shall now turn OFF my phone when I go to sleep...

This was a very well written short story. Good Job! I also see that you are a new member, so welcome to the YWS!

Anyway I have a few critiques.

"Boring day as usual"

That is not really a complete sentence, it is a sentence fragment. A better way to write that sentence would be to combine it with the first sentence like... "I returned from the usual boring day at work."

"Soon I found myself talking to a couple of young lads who were playing frisbee with their dog, Lily, beautiful golden retriever with long fur"

I think that you are missing a word in there... It wouldn't be "Lily, beautiful golden retriever with long fur." It would be "Lily, a beautiful golden retriever with long fur."

And lastly,

"I lived alone?"

The man(or woman) is not asking if they lived alone, he was stating that he lived alone. A better way to state that is "I live alone..."

Other than that good job!

Altamash22 says...

Thanks, will do better in future.

Halfbloodcheetah says...

You did good! Just correct those and you'll be fine!

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Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:01 pm

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ThePhoenix wrote a review...

Ok, ok. Never done horror before.
I CAN DO THIS!

A hot steamy shower helps a lot after a long day. Especially when you live by yourself.

Ehm, I don't quite understand why you have the italics in that sentence. Does it represent his thoughts? If so, you should put them on a separate line. Or put "he thought" after it.

I heard a sound come from my bedroom.

Ok, number one: Clearly this guy hasn't watched enough horror movies.
Lol, jk. But seriously. Common sense should tell either, check it out or RUN!
Preferably the latter if you want to survive.
Also, shouldn't this freak him out? If he lives alone and he hasn't called up his maid yet, why would he not instantly freak out or, like I just said, RUN?!

About half an hour later I started devouring some leftover pizza while watching the television.

Eh. I dunno. I don't like the "television" part. It sounds a bit too formal. Unless that's what you were going for. Otherwise, I suggest changing to "TV".

Mr. Edgar, my neighbour, greeted me as he took his after dinner walks too.

Ok, I understand what you mean in this sentence but you should rephrase it a little so it becomes:
"Mr. Edgar, my neighbour, greeted me as he took his walks after dinner as well."
Or something like that.

Lily, beautiful golden retriever with long fur.

Tiny mistake, you just forgot to put "a" after the comma.

My maid was a sweet old lady in her mid 50's

Woah, wait. Earlier you said he was taking pictures with his phone (completely understandable). But you also said that he was still pursuing photography. So it would make sense to me that he would want to buy a camera to take better quality photos instead of hiring a maid.

At about 3 in the night I heard the same sound. I was so sleepy that I didnt even budge.

Again, tiny mistake. But when it's three o'clock, it's either afternoon or early morning, not night time.

Also, try rephrasing this sentence into something like:
"At about three in the morning, I heard the same sound that came from my bedroom earlier yesterday, but I was so sleepy that I didn't even bother to check it out."

Or something similar.

I woke up late. Made some coffee and had some biscuits. My phone rang. It was from work, I ignored it. My head was too heavy from last night, although I didnt know why. I picked up my phone and started browsing through the pictures that I clicked yesterday. There were pictures of Mr. Edgar watering his plants, of the children playing, of Lily, and myself.

Ok, I'm going to be frank and tell to try and rephrase this entire paragraph. Or you can use the one I'm going to give to you now.

"I had some coffee and biscuits when I woke up. I was still groggy from just waking up. Then my phone rang, I ignored it, not caring that I was late. Once I finished breakfast, I picked up my phone and browsed through the pictures I took yesterday which included: Mr. Edgar watering his plants, the children playing with their golden retriever and... myself."

I'm actually hoping you'll use this one because I spent quite a bit of effort on it.

There were pictures taken of me while I was sleeping, timed at 2.57 am. I lived alone?

Again, just rephrase it. Something like this:
"Pictures of me were taken while I was sleeping, at 2:57 AM. But the problem was... I lived alone."

AND CUT!

You have no idea how hard I worked on this review. You also have no idea how proud I am of this review.
Don't take all this as bad news. It's all meant to be constructive criticism.

Anyway, see ya!

Happy Writing.

PHOENIX OUT!

Altamash22 says...

No problem at all. As I said criticism is always welcome. Many mistakes, now that you have pointed out. Still newbie here. Will definitely try to avoid such mistakes in future.
I seriously appreciate the effort you took for the review. Hell, the review itself was way longer than the story lol. But anyways thanks a lot.

ThePhoenix says...

Oh my fudge.
My review is actually longer than your story.

*GASP*

I DESERVE AN AWARD!

Also.
Check your wall.

Points: 455
Reviews: 359

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Thu Sep 03, 2015 12:07 pm

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steampowered wrote a review...

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

Whoa… this… was a creepy story. It made me wonder who had taken the photographs, and why. Maybe it was the maid, or maybe… well, this is a horror story so maybe it was some other supernatural force. I’d be very interested to find out more and the reasons why anyone or anything would be taking pictures of the main character when they slept.

I heard a sound come from my bedroom.

Hmm. Is the house haunted, or is there a stalker in there? I guess this ambiguity is good, as it leaves room for the reader’s own interpretation.

Soon I found myself talking to a couple of young lads who were playing frisbee with their dog, Lily, beautiful golden retriever with long fur.

I’d have said this was too much information. Does it matter what the dog is called or what it looks like? It kind of jars a bit in an otherwise good story.

I loved taking pictures, it was a hobby that had intrigued me since childhood.

Comma splice here! Since the clauses aren’t connected, put a period after “pictures” and start the second clause as a standalone sentence.

My head was too heavy from last night, although I didnt know why.

This bit kind of confused me… Did someone drug the character, or something?

There were pictures taken of me while I was sleeping, timed at 2.57 am. I lived alone?

Creepiest. Ending. Ever!

Overall I really enjoyed this and I like your simplistic writing style. It’s a real talent to be able to tell a story in so few words and not ramble on too much, so congratulations on that! The shortness of it also made it much easier to review, so hopefully you’ll get plenty of reviews on this. Sorry if this is a bit short (I find it quite difficult to review short works in any real depth, unfortunately) but hopefully it was of some help! Feel free to let me know if you upload any more works, and I’ll try and review them!

Altamash22 says...

Thanks a lot steampowered! Couple of mistakes yeahh.... Will try to improve next time. Appreciate the review . Thanks again

Young Writers Society

Alone.

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