~Chapter One~
"Mom! Momm!" I was screaming as loud as I could. I couldn't help but admit I was lost, in the middle of the forest. I was screaming as loud as anyone has ever herd me scream. I was wondering around trying to find someone. All I could find was me. As I turned the corner I saw a bear. I tried to keep myself silent. When I took a step back a trig snapped. The bear looked up. It saw me and started to charge. I started running, as I looked back it was right on my tail. I closed my eyes and fell. I turned over and the bear was right over me. He was leaning in closer and right before anything else could happen I awoke.
When I sat up, I was soaked in sweat. I looked out the window, the sun was shining bright. It hit my bed spread and sparkled. As I glanced at my clock I had to do a double take. I was suppose to be at my friends birthday party like five minutes ago. I threw some clothes on a drove to Gigi's house. As I parked I noticed there where a million cars there. I thought there was only going to be me and a few other friends. I walked up to the door and knocked. There was no answer. I slowly opened the door, as I walked in it looked liked the house trasformed. I walked around there people everywhere making out in corners, music blasting and kids drinking beer at 11:00 in the morning. This was not like Gigi at all. She was the type of kid who would study until midnight not party, the type who was never invited to these types of partys. I ran into a few of my friends and they looked as surpised as i did. Later then sooner I found Gigi in a corner of her room crying. I ran up to her,
"Gigi? Why are you crying? Did something happen, did someone hurt you?" She looked up at me like I was crazy, and she answered in the ruddest way possible.
"Who do you think did this? Me? O' of corse you don't don't know! You were an hour late! Oh and did you check your phone?!" I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and the messages said,
" 'Sara?' 'where are you?' ' come on get over here!' 'you know what never mind'" and the last one I don't even read,
" We will never be friends, jus' go away and leave the heck away. don't even talk to me." I just stood up and walked away. I don't get what I did wrong... does she think that I did this to her?
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137,735 Literary Works • 672,068 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite a first chapter here...I feel like that the dream at the start is kind of unnecessary, unless it somehow ties in later, it just doesn't seem to make any sense or connect to the rest of the story here. That aside, it seems like a pretty solid first chapter here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....looks like the old nightmare start here in this one...not gonna lie that one had me going for a bit there....and I was imaging an actual person vs bear fight to be the thing that starts this story off. At any rate..its an interesting way to start a story...although I do hope that dream has an actual purpose cause otherwise that is just a pretty common looking random nightmare to start this story off and that's not the best idea.
Okayy...so far the dream seems to be quite random there...as it appears to just cut right to this person just going about their day. Now this party is certainly quite interesting, well...the party itself appears to be relatively normal but it does a good job sort of showing the kind of personality that this friend here has and then showing that something is very wrong with what's going on in her house at the moment. Its interesting a lot of people just being quite confused there...and the fact that this person here is very late might also factor in by the looks of things. Certainly looks like Gigi is not doing well judging by the fact she is crying in a corner which is a sign that things are pretty wrong here.
Well, that was certainly a little bit uncalled for there with how just seems to burst out yelling, but then Sara not checking the messages is probably responsible for that. At any rate, it looks like there's a bit of a misunderstanding of sorts going on here and whatever distress Gigi is currently is causing here to lash out at Sara...certainly some interesting conflict to put here in the first chapter.
On the bright side it looks like Sara is reacting pretty well to things and trying to understand where Gigi is coming from which is wonderful to see...that's a sign of someone that's a good friend there...and well, this makes for a lovely ending here, with a serious conflict just brewing up and everything in a bit of confusion there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, it appears to be a pretty solid first chapter that you've got right here...certainly ends on a really interesting note. The one issue I had with this chapter was the seemingly random dream sequence that's stuffed in here. Besides that, this seems like something I would read here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
irst Paragraph
I loved the beginning very interesting and kept me reading, but I found a few mistakes.
" I was screaming as loud as anyone has ever herd me scream."
I think it was just a typo but "herd" should be written as "heard"
I also would've also written instead of "anyone has ever herd me scream" with "I've ever screamed before" because nobody is around.
"I was wondering around trying to find someone."
Instead of wondering, the proper word would be wandering.
I also found that there were a lot of I's in the first paragraph. I don't know if you can replace the word I, but by my opinion when I read the word I too many times, it gets annoying.
With your sentences "I tried to keep myself silent. When I took a step back a trig snapped."
Instead of putting a period and make two separate sentences it would be better if you wrote "but" instead of when, so it would turn into: "I tried to keep myself silent, but I took a step back a trig snapped." Sounds better right?
I found that the story was moving really fast. Maybe if you tried to explain the situation a little better it would sound more realistic. Example: One minute she's looking around trying to find someone, and later she sees a bear. Isn't that a little weird? Plus, why would she close her eyes, I don't understand. Maybe you could have explained why she closed her eyes.
Second Paragraph:
In this sentence: "I slowly opened the door, as I walked in it looked liked the house trasformed."
"trasformed" should be "transformed" and I think you're missing an "and" before "as."
In this sentence: "I walked around there people everywhere making out in corners, music blasting and kids drinking beer at 11:00 in the morning."
I think it should be like this: "I walked around and there were people making out in corners, music blasting and kids drinking beer at 11:00 in the morning."
"I ran up to her,"
You used a comma instead of a period.
I also think you should separate your dialogues and the rest. Example: You wrote
"Gigi? Why are you crying? Did something happen, did someone hurt you?" She looked up at me like I was crazy, and she answered in the ruddest way possible. (By the way "ruddest" only was one d.) I think it should be like this :
"Gigi? Why are you crying? Did something happen, did someone hurt you?"
She looked up at me like I was crazy, and she answered in the ruddest way possible.
Well that's about it. I practically revised your whole work, but I think I helped. There were just a few errors in your text that sometimes you don't recognize until somebody points it out.
Keep writing!
-Kim
[ Edit ]
thanks you for the review and feedback. I don't think I will be finishing this story because I tried writing on but there was just no future for this book. If you have any ideas of want to use my idea and add on feel free to do so.
(I did a review and a comment) This is the comment.
Loved your story and I am anxious to read the rest! You are great.
Hello! Rissymay, here, and I have a few comments on your story:
As I turned the corner I saw a bear-- ok, it's kinda odd how the main character turns and suddenly sees a giant bear. add a few sentences of suspense to excite the reader... lead up to with description- maybe describing the sounds the main character heard from the bear or whatever
The first paragraph is almost too fast-paced for me... or was it your design to do that for the dream effect?
I was suppose to be at my friends birthday party like five minutes ago.-- I think adding a word such as "like" to this makes it sound unprofessional
Overall, your sentences in this story are kinda choppy and random. Add some transitions to make your writing flow smoothly.
I also feel like it's a little strange to read because there's not enough background. Maybe explain the background some more so the reader understands what's going on.
Good job with this... I'm interested to see what happens next.
Always keep writing, and thanks for the read!
-Rissymay
thanks you for the review and feedback. I don't think I will be finishing this story because I tried writing on but there was just no future for this book. If you have any ideas of want to use my idea and add on feel free to do so.
cool
Hi! Welcome to YWS!
Overall it's fairly good. But I think you need to work on showing the MC's emotions and thoughts since it is in first person. I also highly recommend reviewing your writing and checking if there are minor errors like in spelling, grammar, etc, etc.
Here are some minor errors I saw when reading this:
First Paragraph:
- "Mom! Momm!"
The extra "M" is not needed.
- "I couldn't help but admit I was lost, in the middle of the forest."
Even though I struggle with comma placement myself, I believe that the comma isn't needed.
- "I was wondering around trying to find someone."
I think you meant to say "wandering" in this sentence.
- "All I could find was me."
This sounds awkward to me; you could change "me" to "myself"
- " I tried to keep myself silent."
Again, this sounds awkward to me. My suggestion would be "I tried to keep quiet"
Second Paragraph:
- "I thought there was only going to be me and a few other friends."
Suggestion: A few friends and I
- "I walked around there people everywhere making out in..."
correction: There "were"
- "music blasting and..."
you need a comma since you're listing: music blasting, and
- "...until midnight not party,"
I would put a comma after midnight and change the existing comma into a period: Until midnight, not party.
Dialogue:
- "O' of corse you don't don't know!"
Correction: Oh of course you don't know!
These are small, minor errors that can be easily fixed.
All in all, you did pretty good. You just need to remember to incorporate some of the MC's thoughts & emotions into the story so we, the readers, can connect to her more. This was a very small chapter; I'm interested in what happens next
Keep writing!
thanks you for the review and feedback. I don't think I will be finishing this story because I tried writing on but there was just no future for this book. If you have any ideas of want to use my idea and add on feel free to do so.