The Revolutionaries Chapter One: Malvis

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Alrighty, this was a really intriguing piece here...this one certainly got my attention quite quickly from the start there...and then it maintained it pretty well...it was a pretty long piece and yet it was interesting throughout..aand I love that ending.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It’s funny how the good people tremble at the term revolution. They act as if it’s a bad word for worse people. Though, I never understood why. Even some members of the oppressed would rather obey the law and remain in favour rather than start a fight to free themselves. If revolution was evil, it was a necessary one, being in the slums of London as long as I had would tell you that.

hadn’t lived on the streets for very long. I used to have a home. It wasn’t clean or fit with commodities, but it was safe. But I could never go back, even if I wanted to. Besides, I have wandered these streets forever, it seems. I grew up robbing these houses and storefronts. What else could you do when society refused to provide for you? We provided for our own, we didn’t need anyone else.

The air was poignant and bit my hands. As September bled into November, it got harder to find warmth in the bones of houses I slept in. What I stole wasn’t enough. Nothing seemed to be enough anymore. I wasn’t going to last much longer going on how I was. My food supply was draining, I had nothing to protect myself from the wind that roared through the holes in my dress. I was so used to thriving out here, but that was a distant dream.

A distant dream I refused to give up on.

As it stood, branches poked into my shoulders as I waited for the last window to go dark on the behemoth mansion before me. I'll admit, it wasn't that special. Only three stories, probably about six bedrooms and servants' corners. Way more than I ever had, yes, but compared to the other palaces on this street? That was all nothing.

But, there was one thing this house had that the others didn't.

This house had a guard.

Guards were uncommon, even when the Prime Minister left his Mount Olympus to slum in the castles. If these low-life kings had one, there was something unimaginably valuable in that house. Something I could use to make my dream a little less far-fetched.

He stood in the same place, eyes never wavering from a window on the third floor, baton swinging on his hip. His clothes were plain, so he wasn't a police officer. Just hired help. Hired help without a gun at that. I reached for the string around my neck and pulled out my dagger. It had been my mother's, well one of them at least, and before that it was her grandfather's. A standard Liccasapuni that served many people. I unfolded the blade and sprinted, tackling the guard. Before he could react, my blade bit into his throat and he was dead beneath me. Standing up, I narrowed my eyes at the window he had been staring down. The lights were off, the glass only reflecting shadows. Tying the blade back around my neck, I grabbed on to the nearest ledge and pulled myself up. By the time I reached where I wanted to be, my arms were shaking. Scaling houses used to come as naturally as breathing. What had happened to me? Why had everything managed to fall apart so perfectly?

I clawed at the base of the glass. If someone latched the window so help me-

My fingers moved easily, creating an opening just large enough to squeeze through. The wind rushed through the sudden hole, rustling thick curtains that blocked the room from view. My hair grew longer, reaching my waist now. I sat on the ledge, sticking my feet in until they brushed against soft carpet.

The curtains opened, making me flinch so hard I almost tumbled to the ground three stories below.

"What are you doing?"

The person who almost killed me appeared to be a woman, her blonde hair pulled back into two puffed buns. There were no other people behind her. She was alone.

"Leaving."

I went to pull up my legs when I felt something bite my leg. Hissing, I tried to tug free.

"You just got here. You can stay awhile."

She pulled me inside, my leg being released in the process. We were standing in a yellow bedroom, nothing of value but fancy furniture and whatever jewelry she said. Nothing special, nothing easy to sell.

Self-pity was never a good look, and I wasn’t too far from getting real ugly.

I stole a single glance at the bite on my ankles. The skin wasn’t broken.

“Okay. Want to talk now?”

I tugged my dagger from around my neck and had the edge pushed against her nose in less than a second.

“You are going to let me leave. I am not afraid to hurt you.”

There had to be another way out. Some way to escape this nightmare. There was a door, no other windows. I didn’t want to bet on successfully tumbling backwards. I’d have to find a way to get to it. But where was that creature?

“You’d do no such thing.”

Wings suddenly became all too obvious on her back, reaching their limit a little too quickly for my liking. Something was off about this. A guard in front of a bedroom, too much strain in the Alis’s forehead.

Wait. An Alis?

“I didn’t know they let Alis on the street of kings.”

“The what?”

I sighed, shuffling backwards, trying to spot the creature lurking just out of sight. I didn't lower my dagger, keeping my arm perfectly level.

“The street of kings, rich man’s row. The place where commoners never go.”

I didn't look away for too long. I’ve done this for too long to give her any advantage.

“You’re a Mister, aren’t you?”

Every fibre of my body tensed, my very bones screaming in protest. No, I wasn’t. Not anymore. Not after I failed, after I still couldn't get my shit together to save the people closest to me before it was too late.

But she didn't need to know that.

“Perhaps.”

I took a single step back. In response, she stepped forward. Her eyes were unsure, hands shaking slightly as she hid them behind her back. Was she frightened of me? Good. I could use that to my advantage.

“What’s your name, Mister?”

I scoffed, my grip tightening on my dagger.

“Why would I tell you that?”

“If you want anything from me, you will answer me.”

“I don’t want anything from you. You rich people are all the same. You expect everyone to bow to you because you have the money. You’re an Alis too. You get to sit in your palace while your people suffer. Then you dare to demand my name.”

She shoved my arm away, surprising me. I didn't expect her to fight back.

“You broke into my house.”

I took a deep breath. I couldn't lose my head; she didn’t get to see me angry.

“You horde all of the damn food in England. I won’t apologize for not wanting to die just to appease you.”

“You think I wanted that? I’m not even allowed to leave this room.”

She covered her mouth, her face going red.

“I mean- that’s not-”

Nervous laughter filled the room, her shoulders shaking a little harder than they should.

“I’m not trapped in here!”

“Stop.”

How did I not see that before? I saw the guard and immediately assumed treasure.

But guards were also for prisoners.

“Are you some slave? A party trick?”

After returning my dagger back to its place around my neck, I grabbed her hands, only to find them gloved. She winced.

“It’s not like that. I live here.”

“Against your will?”

I inspected her face. No bruises there. Was there a black market for Alis now? Their wings were beautiful, and that could be enough to start an illegal trade.

“No! Well, maybe. I was never asked, and I am old enough to live on my own. But that doesn’t make me trapped here!”

“Turn around.”

“I don’t see-”

“Turn around!”

She grumbled beneath her breath but complied.

Her wings were shackled. No wonder the stretch looked so choked.

“You know, this isn’t helping your case for not being imprisoned. But I can pick the lock. Just stay still.”

She looked over her shoulder.

“You would do that?”

I nodded.

“Yes. Of course. I don't know you, but I know you don’t deserve this. I’m sorry for being so upset earlier. I didn't realise you were…”

“Just as trapped as you?”

“Yes, that.”

I grabbed one of the many lock picks shoved in my pockets and got to work. Soon enough, both shackles released the Alis.

Her wings were beautiful, going from bright yellow to two shades of pale yellow and finally ending at white.

“I understand why you were yelling. You thought I was going to call for help or get you arrested. But, I want your help.”

My breath caught in my throat. I could barely help myself right now. Every day was a struggle to make it to the end of the road, and I had plans that I doubted she wanted to be included in. But, I just unchained her, and this was no place for her to be.

Misters were known for accepting anyone.

“Fine, how can I help you?”

“You can take me with you to be a Mister.”

Hi AlmostImmortal,

Mailice here with a short review!

I like the chapter. It has a good beginning and has a touch of mystery and also I felt it had a touch of Charles Dickens and his stories in London.

I like how this first chapter opens with a very nice introduction, giving the reader some information about the narrator and also about this time and place where the story is set. It has a critical but also a hopeful spark in it before the actual story begins. Here, too, I think you have done a good job of creating a beginning that is easy and understandable for the reader.

You've already done a good job of describing things like the locations, the mansion and the characters, but I think you can go a bit deeper, as long as it doesn't make the plot itself too slow. I found that sometimes you got off to a good start, but somehow stopped in the middle of the descriptions, as if you wanted to continue with the story.

One minimal point I noticed during the dialogue was how at the beginning it was not immediately clear who was speaking. I would try to insert who is speaking once or twice. Otherwise, I thought it was very good, flowing dialogue and liked how there was a mixture of foreshadowing and novelty working its way in. You bring some tension into it, and what I like is how vague you stay, so as to give the reader a chance to read the next chapter.

Some points I noticed while reading:

As September bled into November, it got harder to find warmth in the bones of houses I slept in.

My hair grew longer, reaching my waist now.

I went to pull up my legs when I felt something bite my leg.

I like this story quite a bit! There's a lot of mystery surrounding this chapter, we don't know a lot about the world and the chunks of info only bring in more questions. Why is the lady imprisoned for being an Alis exactly? What's the history behind Alis. What exactly are Misters?

I have no real problems with the chapter. One nitpick I have is that maybe you could have given us the character's names, possibly near the end. Another would be to maybe describe the characters the surroundings a bit more? I don't even really know if the main character is a he or a she or a they (EDIT: I think she, based on the chapter synopsis I skimmed over.). There's also one really long paragraph that I feel you can break up to better the word flow. Other than that, good first chapter!

Keep up the good work!