Young Writers Society

Hey! First, I really enjoyed this piece of prose. You have a real talent for setting the scene and mood in a few words. Yet, because of the few words, there seems to be some holes. It's quite an ambiguous story, with not just an open-ended ending. Even so, it stands quite well on it's own, though a few sentences of backstory and explaining would be nice.

But, there seems to be a problem with perspective. The first portion seems to be in the daughter's point of view, while the rest is from the father's.

This particular sentence particularly confused me: "Someone tells her it's time to go - the voice is impatient, gruff. The gruffness conceals years of jealousy, and pain."

At first, I thought it was a nurse or doctor or orderly, but why would one such person have a voice that "conceals years of jealousy, and pain"? This is a story I'll be pondering over for some time.

Despite that, I do very much like this story. Keep on writing!

- recklessandwild

Hey, I'm here for a quick review!

Wow, this story really demands me to have a long period of thinking. Everything is realistically delivered, and the emotions are conveyed well. From what I glean from this, it appears that the father has two daughters, and he only remembers one. The story is too vague, though, so perhaps it's what the second daughter says, that he's dreaming of having the first daughter meets him. I'm not sure. At one hand, the first encounter seems real enough not to be dismissed as a dream, but if it's real, than the second daughter would have known her sister has visited their father, and would consider the possibility of that instead of assuming her father dreams it.

Like I said. This story demands me to think. A lot. I'm still figuring out the answers. Good job for making the story hook me. It doesn't need another chapter to explain what's going on--this is the story that falls into the category where readers are free to interpret everything that's occurred. I would have liked a clearer plot, though, considering this is a flash fiction. But I'm not complaining--I still like this.

She's the first thing he sees when he finally opens his eyes, the faint traces of pain hazy through the medications. "Hello, Dad," she says quietly. Her words are laced with sadness and longing. There's more she wants to tell him, but now's not the time - will there ever be another?

The medications are potent. He drifts back into a dreamless, restful sleep.

Hi Allison, and May the Fourth be with you!
I have to say, I'm a little confused about what's going on here. You have a real strength for showing the character's emotions, so much so that I feel like I should understand what's going on, but I really don't. Reading this, I felt like saying, "When's the next chapter? Where's the rest of it?"
This could certainly work as the opener to a longer story, but the bottom line is that it needs some context before it can stand alone.
Best Wishes,
Kat