Hello there!
A few nitpicks:
spilling it’s beauty,
its*
pouring warmness
I'd replace "warmness" with "warmth".
Feeling dampness
I'd go with something other than "dampness". Try describing the dew instead.
Anaya looked at me questioning why we weren’t talking
Unless the narrator is a telepath (which I doubt), then they can't possibly know what Anaya is thinking, only that she's giving the narrator a confused look. Reword this.
Do you think mother
Mother is a noun. Capitalize the M.
middle of a desert
I don't think this is the terrain you want to be going with. You just went from dewy grass to the desert? Where are you, exactly? If you want to go with the desert, then you need to write things accurately, such as the girls sweating and panting and needing water. If not, then try a new location.
You have more errors, such as missing commas, bunched paragraphs, and such. The biggest issue is your dialogue. Each time a different person speaks, you need to make a new paragraph for that. Example:
"Blah blah," I said.
"Blah blah," Anaya answered.
Despite the technicalities, your story needs work.
First off, what in the world happened? An earthquake? Some medical issue? Some soprano being came along and screamed into the narrator's ear? I don't understand how they lost their hearing. You need to go back and tighten that entire section up, because it made no sense at all. Even if the narrator doesn't understand what happened, it still needs to be stated.
Second, did you do your research with sending the narrator from Africa to America? And just for "hearing aids"? Are you even sure that really happens, because I don't think it does, unfortunately. Please look into that and see if you're doing that right, because I feel that you didn't do any research for that part.
Finally, what's up with the ending? If the narrator's eardrums are so badly damaged that they have to go to America to get hearing aids, how does simply going outside and looking around magically cure them? Miracles are good and all but this just seems like one of those "blind faith" moments. This doesn't happen. Make the ending make sense or lose your readers because I'm not very pleased with the ending and wish it'd turned out better. I would fix the ending if I were you.
That's really all I can think of right now. I hope something I said helped.
~Iggy
Points: 4261
Reviews: 933
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