Soot lazily opened one eye at the sound of another cat approaching.
"What is it, Ambertail? I haven't been off my paws in moons..." She rolled over, turning her back to Ambertail.
"Kestrelstar wants you to join a hunting patrol."
Soot huffed and heaved herself to her paws, grunting as she did so. Kestrelstar always wanted her doing something to help the Clan. Everyone knew that he was prejudiced against loners and strays, but Soot was one of them now. She'd already proved her worth to the Clan when she saved an apprentice from a badger. Besides, Kestrelstar was the one who invited her to the Clan! It had been about ten moons since she joined. Why didn't he trust her?
"Hurry up, Soot!" Leopardfrost called across the camp's clearing. Soot trotted over to the small group and followed them up the hill and toward the river.
"Soot, you take the forest. That's what you're used to." Ambertail motioned for Soot to turn left here, and she did so.
After a little while of no successful hunting, Soot heard a rustling in the leaves in a nearby patch of grass. She twitched her whiskers, pinpointing the location of the creature. Carefully, she crouched down, slowly sliding over next to the noise. Soot wiggled her haunches and tensed her muscles.
As soon as she left the ground, she caught the scent of the animal in the grass.
She immediately backpedaled, twisting in the air to avoid landing on them. She hit the ground on her flank, then rolled over to get a view of the two pairs of eyes looking back at her.
There, in the grass, were two kits.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this one comes together quite nicely here to make for a fairly solid first part to this here opening chapter. This certainly got my attention fairly quickly and held said attention for the duration of it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well a slightly intriguing start there, it isn't the most exciting thing, but it manages to get your attention with the whole hunting patrol situation and the indicator that perhaps one of these cats here haven't seen much action is some time. There's a few nicely hidden subtle details like that scattered about here, and I'm liking the overall sound of things to start with.
Okay...this sudden little monologue of backstory went on for a touch too long there. I think it managed to break the flow of the story a little bit too much, you might want to look into making that a teensy bit shorter, but otherwise the dialogue her and the description of this person getting up is done pretty well.
Hmm, well this quickly goes into a neat little hunting part there. I do feel like this goes by a teensy bit too quickly though. I think you can build up a lot more tension if you drew out the whole description around the hunt a bit more than what we've got going on here.
Okay...well, that makes for a lovely cliffhanger to end on there...a nice sudden pounce with the hope for some pray and we've instead got what appears to be two kittens waiting for them...well, it certainly does lend itself nicely to make for a pretty solid ending right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you manage to paint a pretty decent picture here with what you're going for with this particular piece. As far as the first parts of first chapters go, I'd say this one manages to do a pretty good job here and sounds like a story that I'd potentially read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
#8040BF ">Wonderful ending
Well, this is the beginning of a very interesting story.
Like some others have said, a little more description would make it better. I'd love to know what the other cats look like.
I saw no other errors other that the ones I pointed out above and I'm really eager to read more! Write soon!
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hi! I'm also a big fan of Warriors. I started reading your story, and so far, I like it. You could add a little more description, like describing the forest or the other cats. But so far, you have me curious about the happenings in the plot. Please keep writing this, I'd like to read another person's Warriors story. Break a leg!
Hello again Allie! I see that you're a fan of Warriors as well XD
As Rachel said, this seemed like pretty solid writing.
A couple of things though...
So, something that irked me a tad was that you didn't elaborate on your characters, or your setting. What does Ambertail look like (Well, I assume she has an amber colored tail, but besides that)? And Leapordfrost? And where are they? I suppose they're in a forest but what season is it? I couldn't quite see it in my mind. How old is Soot? What Clan is this?
However all those questions will probably be explained in upcoming parts, it's just this chapter left me curious XD
Anywho:
I liked your cliff-hanger ending, and the way you described her pouncing and turning and stuff... I find it very hard to explain things like that in writing, but you did it well.
You left me curious! I want more!
--
Tabby (a name inspired by Warrior cats btw XD)
Oh, they're cats! Makes much more sense now. I'm guessing you're a fan of the Warriors books? I haven't read them myself but my friend has...should this maybe be in with the fanfiction?
Anyway, hello again! I'm back to review!
One thing I noticed is that you use a lot of the character names in the dialogue--like 'Bob' in the sentence, "Don't do that, Bob" to where it's marking the address. They're tempting to use, but they make the dialogue sound sort of silly if you read it aloud. (Which I recommend doing--always read your dialogue out loud.)
You also use a lot of adverbs. You don't have adverbitis, necessarily, but adverbs are usually always trimmable. Read through and make sure the adverbs are actually adding something.
Other than that... I don't have too much to say. This chapter's so short, and your writing's pretty solid.
Let me know if you have any questions. And, if you want to get this moved into fanfiction, contact one of the JMs, the folks in bright green. They'll help you out.
Rach