Published June 17, 2011
Adults and classmates
Are always saying
Trust your family
Trust your friends
It's not that easy
If your family screams at you all the time
Abuses you all the time
Hates you
It's also quite sad
When your father denies abusing you
When you remember vividly
What it was like to have your father
Get an extreme joy
From throwing you against the wall
From throwing you against the stairs
From the small smile on his face when he is watching your eyes
As he strangles you
Squeezing the life from you
You can't imagine the physical pain
And the mental and emotional hurt
From knowing that your father didn't care to protect you from harm
Especially when he is the harm
The hurt
It's even worse when
You don't ven feel safe at school
You feel everyone can see every bruise
Every scar
Every tiny defect on you
You want to scream and run but
You hold it all in
Pretend you don't feel a thing
No escape from anything
You are always trapped
Even if he tries to apologize
Everyone knows it doesn't mean a thing
You can never
Take away the pain
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
**Also, I meant to note that I wasn't suggesting you fill your poem up with ___ these things. Underscores? Yeah, anyway, that was just because YWS wasn't letting me put huge spaces, so I had to find a way to express my formatting idea. XD
Hi there! I'm Bella and I'm here to review your poem! =) I'm going to make a few suggestions and comments, and then apply them to the poem (at least, that's my plan right now, it's 3 am so this might change).
1. I have to agree with the person who has a lot of g's and l's in their name - your use of enjambment is wonderful! I personally use enjambment a lot, and enjoy seeing other people use it.
2. Another agreement - your poem would be nice with some punctuation, and maybe some fluctuation of capitalization. Which sounds funny. It might add impact to your poem to leave some lines uncapitalized.
3. I think the spacing of your poem could change to add some impact as well. That's more a stylistic choice, but I'm going to show you, because you may like it.
4. I changed some words, and changed some words around, to help the flow (and fix some awkward tense changes). Please remember these are all suggestions, I'm not trying to take over your poem or anything =P
I felt the need to separate these two spots, because I'm having a really difficult time with this part. For the entire first half, the "you" has been the one being abused, and here you are speaking as if the "you" is an outsider. Additionally, the wording seems to lose some of it's maturity in the second half, which detracts from the emotional connection and intensity a little.
Also, I think a space here would be beneficial, because there's a turning point in your poem, right here.
I removed the reference to others knowing it doesn't mean a thing, because I was under the impression that nobody knew about the abuse. Therefore, it mainly doesn't mean a thing to the narrator and the father.
I know I made a lot of suggestions, and you're welcome to ignore all of them, but I really hope I helped you out some. I loved the idea behind your poem, and I feel like you delivered it well, but I think there are a lot of things you could do to really add a punch of emotion to it.
Feel free to PM me with any questions!
<3
Bella
Your poem is descriptive which is something I liked. I loved how you explained how it feels to have peering eyes watching you and how it makes a person feel. Nice job and I look forward to more of your work in the future.
Howdy there!
Wow. This is really heart felt.
I love your use of enjambment to help the flow.
Just a couple of things though.
1) You may want to use a thesaurus to change some of your words used, it sometimes detracts the reader from thinking this is serious.
2) There is no punctuation. I'd advise you to put some in, just so we can follow the flow as you intended it, when it is a serious topic like this, flow is important.
Overall this is a great poem, well done!
wow...
Honestly I have a passion for children and cannot stand to see abuse. This poem just made me want to cry.. It is so sad... I love the way you have expressed the emotion, but the wording used is a bit dull and not as powerful as the imagery you use. Try using metaphors to describe the abuse and the emotion that it fills you with.