Published October 4, 2011
Petals falling hopelessly,
Crying,
Their tears are made up of sticky dew.
Screaming their pain out,
They just lost themselves.
The one that supported them,
Their base and home.
Those devasted petals are like me;
Fallng from reality,
Silently screaming our pain,
Wishing this would end already.
This life is worthless.
You're here then you're gone.
No hope, no faith
No soul, no emotions
No love.
This flower is dead and withered,
Gone in this world.
While it was hurting,
While it was dying,
No one knew.
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141,338 Literary Works • 674,350 Reviews
I like it, a lot.
I love the ending! Powerful and moving. I'm thinking that the transition between talking about the flower and yourself is a little weak. Maybe go on about yourself a little more before just saying "The flower and I are alike" or alternate between verses about yourself and the flower, then tie it together with one final stanza about both you and the flower. You know? The poem flows well, the words are good, and the visuals are good. I really like it! Keep writing!
Lovely poem. A few comments, hopefully not already mentioned. I think it's supposed to be themselves instead of theirselves. It sounds better to me anyway. I'm not 100% sure, but you might want to check that. Another thing, I wish you wouldn't so openly compare yourself to the petals. Make it more hidden and obsure, still clear enough that we know without carefully inspecting the poem, but show us rather than telling us. Make sense? I mean, find a way to carefully and swiftly transition us into talking about you, rather than just going, BAM, I'm a flower. I don't know, hopefully you know what I mean.
First I'm gonna say good work, and now I'm just going to get right on in to the review. XD
I don't really like the way you begin your poem, it sounds almost like it's already in the middle of something.
I realize you are just using the flower to show how you are feeling, but we don't know that until a couple stanza's so to the reader it just seems like a flower being plucked, and we are supposed to empathize with that. Maybe you should let us know sooner that you basically talking about the person feeling this way, and that the flower is symbolizing a person. That way we have something to really feel the emotions, instead of trying to feel what a flower feels when it is plucked. I realize you can personify objects, but this is a little overboard, in my opinion. If it was saying the person was feeling this way, like a flower being plucked from its base and such, maybe we could really feel the emotions.
This is good here, though, because we realize you are talking about the person as well, not just a flower.
I do like your ending, though, it kind of sums up the poem pretty well.
~Tayla