Published June 24, 2011
~No Stranger To My heart~
Even though I haven't seen you in awhile
I remember you clearly
I remember your easy laugh,
I shed tears over your soft smile
Still, I feel your smooth touch,
And gentle kiss
At times, I'll remember the lust in your penetrating gaze,
And the love bound to your heart
I will never forget how much
Because you are no stranger to my heart,
I fear you will be
~Because of Me~
Because of you,
I can't eat,
Can't sleep
Can't do anything
Without you by my side
You are my whole life,
My whole world
Then, you just disappear
Yes, it was my fault, I left you
But you were to blame, too
Because of me,
I lost you to her
~So Far Gone~
Standing in a crowded room
People pushing and bumping against me
But I don't see them
I don't feel them
All I see,
All I feel is you
I cry myself to sleep,
Because I know I'll dream of your soft brown hair
Sweet brown eyes
I cy because I know,
I know I can't have you
You are her's
I will love you always, forever, an eternity, and for the rest of our lives
That was our promise
It all seems so far gone
So is my heart; it's with you
~Enough~
I was never good enough
Will I ever be?
I was never beautiful enough
Will I ever be?
I was never talented enough
Will I ever be?
Not smart,
And not perfect enough
I was never anything but your
Girlfriend
Is she more?
Is she better than I am?
I won't ever get you back
Will I ever be good
Enough?
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138,079 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi, Alliaa! Here to review. ^^
I'm sure that you can think of something.
Poem 1-) All in all, this poem was fairly decent. It did seem to be a bit on the dull side, though. There was no hook, no heightening point of interest... It lacked creative imagery to pull you in and that dramatic-but-not-too-dramatic hook. It seems more like a skeleton than a poem, in my opinion.
My suggestion would be to take what you have there and expand on it. Add (your own) images, ones that are new and creative and will grasp your reader and pull them into it. Toy around with the emotions in the poem, figure out words and metaphors that you can use to describe them. Just be careful with this, as it's very easy to fall into using cliches. (If you're used to reading it in print, it's not a good phrase to put into a poem)
Poem 2-) I'm sorry to say that I wasn't too fond of this one. The entire thing was just a little too cliche for my likings. Phrases like, "can't eat, can't sleep," due to love... as I said, it's extremely cliche. (They're some of the worst phrases that you can put into a love poem.)
On the other hand, I did like the ending. It was more original, and it put a bit of a twist on things, so I'll have to give you props for that.
Poem 3-) I suppose that this could be considered a fairly cute poem from some view-points, but honestly, it was just a bit cliche for my likings. Love poems are very over-done, and though they make excellent subjects, they have to be done right. What I mean by this is that this poem is so... typical. I-want-him-but-he's-with-her-oh-woe-is-me. It's all angst.
If you're going to write a poem like this, I'll refer back to my bit about poem one. You have to add imagery, take the emotion in the poem and poke around at it, then use it to make the poem your own. It's too generic. The poem could be about anybody with boy problems- you need to make it just a touch more personal. Not even personal, if you don't want to, just more unique. Another thing- your angst factor here is way, way too high. Rather than make us assume that it's just another boo-hoo sobstory, make us actually feel something.
Poem 4-) Well, this honestly gave me the same vibes as the other poems. It's all woe and angst with hardly any imagery, and you just don't feel anything. It uses more cliche phrases, words and themes, and there's not much unique about it.
Overall, these poems seemed... more like skeletons than the actual poem. Like the others said, it just seemed like you were talking and whining about what's going on in your life. You need to use emotion, imagery and make sure that you don't go too over-the-top with that angst factor that I talked about earlier. Take what you have now, use it as a basic outline and elaborate on it a little.
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Hi!
Since you have several poems here, I'll go over them one by one.
Firrst one, No Stranger To My Heart. With this poem, I think that you did a bit too much telling and not showing. Especially n the first few lines:
That tells us next to nothing about who the other character is. Describe what he looks like, does he have almond-shaped eyes? Brown eyes? And what about hair? Blonde hair? Or what? Put in some description so that your poem seems more specific, like, "I remember your clearly with your dark brown hair and hazel eyes." It will make the poem a bit more interesting to read. Your poem would also feel like it has direction, (not saying that your poem hasn't got direction, I just think that it can have more direction to it. If you know what I mean) instead of just vague lines put together.
Second poem! Because of Me
This poem, to me, seems a bit vague.
There are a million different ways how that could've happened the narrator could've been driving a car and crashed and so their lover (I'm guessing) is dead. It could also be because the narrator is a surgeon and made a mistake whilst operating on their lover. It could also be that the narrator is selfish and hateful, that turned their lover around. These are just some examples, there are loads more scenarios how this could've happened. I'd suggest putting the specifics in.
Poem number three: So Far Gone.
I quite like the flow in this poem. Although I did feel as though there's some really cliched lines. Which makes it feel like you're telling a story that's been told a million times before. I'd suggest either, replacing those lines or just put a new twist(by which I mean change the phrasing around a bit) in there.There's also emotion in here, which makes us feel for the narrator, the last line also made an impact, so, good job on this poem
Last poem: Enough.
To be honest, not a big fan of this one. I don't really think that making a poem out of questions work. Sometimes it can work, but, this isn't one of the times, I don't think. It just seems like the narrator is really, really, really lost. Which isn't good.
Lastly, the thing I'd suggest you to keep in mind that out more specific details in the poem because some of them seemed a bit vague. Keep writing!
Hey there =]] So I'm going to have to agree with the previous reviewer on all counts. I just didn't feel like typing out everything when I agreed with them entirely. I'm all up for free form, but this didn't feel like poetry, just like.. you were talking and asking questions. You didn't have much of a form for each of the poems to fit, so they were all just a bit under par. Work on them a bit more. I saw a lot of potential in different lines. Like the Because of me, I lost you, in the second one.
The first poem bugs me, because it just doesn't make sense. You have so many loose ends in it that its just really confusing. You don't complete your thoughts and just ramble on with your next emotion. Which its good you want to convey so much, but it takes time to learn how to convey them properly.
Overall, I think you have a lot of potential. I'd really like to see you change these up a bit and then repost them so you can see how much you've improved. Please don't take this as harsh criticism, I try to only be constructive.
Keep writing =] -Tyrannosaurous
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver