Published September 9, 2007
Massive sacrifices to gloomy skies
Offer deception at fingertips
Of the wicked and shameful
Metallic operas
Pervert the sewer’s angels
Flying with clipped wings
Truth the beautiful wraith
Blends with the boundaries
Casting ghastly creatures in the mirror
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Snoink - You know, I never would have thought to edit that way, but it's a really handy tip. Thank you.
I really like the idea behind this line, although I'm not sure I understand the bit about the sewer. I think that you're starting to get some thing good here - I didn't like the first stanza at all - but then you move on and abandon it. Since you said the last line is the one the poem revolves around, you might choose not to expand on this section here, but it is rather nice and I think it would work well with a little polishing.
Also, I don't feel that the title of the poem fits with the poem itself. It's like false advertising.
This poem kind-of reminds me of Neil Gaiman's book, Neverwhere. (That's a good thing, by the way.) It might be something worth reading, both because it's good, and because I think it deals with something similar to this poem. (Or, the feel of it is the same ... I can't quite put my finger on it.)
It makes sense if you understand all the metaphors. Although I probably shouldn't of made the entire poem based on the last line (I don't know if that makes any sense). Without some of the adjetives the poem should not make sense at all, again specifically the last line which is what the poem revolves around.
!
THank you all for your critiques I will take them into consideration
I agree about the adjectives, and I'd use punctuation. I loved the second stanza, but I think that you could feel this more, hence helping your readers to feel it. I just thought I should be disturbed by this, but I wasn't. I know I'm not being all that articulate, I'm sorry, and please feel free to pm me if I'm being too vague. I liked the idea and scene you've created, but I think you can make this more poweful.
This has too many adjectives to make a strong point. Let me demonstrate -- if I took out all the adjectives, it would look like this:
Sacrifices to skies
Offer deception at fingertips
Of the wicked and shameful
operas
Pervert the sewer’s angels
Flying with wings
Truth the wraith
Blends with the boundaries
Casting creatures in the mirror
See? Now it doesn't make any sense. Which is bad because that means you described with adjectives instead of actually showing us something meaningful. Show us something that can be described with colorful nouns and verbs with maybe a story behind it, and it will be a gorgeous poem.