Published May 6, 2010
this is a really short chapter but it was shorter before I when over it.
Coming back into the orphanage dining area with a picture of my siblings and me, updated every year, I saw that Grace and Grant were waiting.
“Okay, now we wait outside for the bus,’ said Grace.
“How does it know we’re waiting?” I asked.
“You,” Grant said simply.
I had to guess. Probably when I got my power, it alerted someone either on the bus or at the school.
I was right.
It took ten minutes for the silver bus to arrive. When it did, it stopped and opened its doors. I guessed it was about half the size of a football field. The weirdest part though was that we were out in the open. Tourists and workers and everyone were walking past and they didn’t see it at all. They looked right past it!
Once inside I noticed that the first ten rows were like normal bus seats, but the next ten were grubby and full of plant life. The next five rows back had a bubble of water around the seats. The next twenty-five rows had other elements engulfing five rows each. The aisle was clear of these elements. I could not see the back of the bus because even the aisle was covered with Darkness.
One guy in the Fire section looked right at me and winked. He wore a shirt for the Fantastic Four that said ’Flame on!’ He looked about my age, new to the bus area by the way he kept looking around, and pretty cocky judging by that wink he gave me. I gave him my I don’t think so smile, squinting my eyes and cocking my head, making him snicker, and went back to looking at the sections.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,420 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey there! I haven't read the other chapters, but I'll just comment on the content of this one!
Just a little nit-pick here, the guy from Fantastic Four says 'flame on.' (:
Other than that, I really love the description of the bus. It was cool how the bus was so dark! Maybe you could mention how the flame guy was glowing or you could see the tips of his fingers were like burning charcoal, something like that? That would be cool!
So I noticed that there's a long period between when they go to wait for the bus and when they get on the bus. I would suggest writing something about that! If you don't write about what happens in that time, then there's really no point in mentioning that the break in action ever happened. Plus, didn't you say that the bus was waiting for them? Why did it take 10 minutes?
This sounds cool! If I have time, I'll go back and read the others!
Classy
Okay, I thought in the beginning that you knew how o describe things effectively. Now I don't say you don't but this wasn't a good chapter. Way too short to be called a one , actually. Also, I think i'm losing interest in this. You should make this interesting. i don't know how though.
But I liked your imagery about the bus. It was good. Try to use better dialogue and give us more action.
I don't have much to say.
~Shubhi