Alrighty **cracks knuckles**
Lets begin.
I've had this link open about 2 minutes and I've already found a few minor things...
She did, she spun and spun and spun as fast as she could.
In my opinion, this would benefit better as two separate sentences, and with less "spun"
"She did. She spun and spun as fast as she could."
Better?
Next...
she didn't stop, she couldn't stop.
I'm a semi-colon nut; promoting the semi-colon where-ever possible. This comma should be a semi-colon, since the second half of the sentence is explaining the first half.
Next...
"Mommy!" she called joyfully, "mommy look at me!"
Now, a few things with this. Firstly, that comma should be a period.
"Mommy!" She called joyfully." end of sentence.
Second, the exclamation mark indicates the first sentence she says has ended, so use a capital letter!
"Mommy, look at me!"
Next...
Her mom smiled and waved, "slow down, honey! You're going to fall!"
Same thing.
"Her mom smiled and waved." Period.
"Slow down, honey!" Capital.
Next...
Her mom laughed and walked over to her, with a quick sweep she lifted the child off of her feet and into her arms, "better?"
That would be better as 2 sentences.
"Her mom laughed and walked over to her. With a quick sweep she lifted the child off of her feet and into her arms." Period, too.
"Better?" Capital.
Next...
The child giggled,
Period.
Her mother set her down,
Period.
smacked her butt gently
Hehe. Sorry but I really don't think "Butt" fits here. Try "Bum". I know, I hate the word "bum", but "butt" takes away the magical bonding moment and turns it into a teenager trying not to curse.
"Have fun sweeties!"
Sweeties? Does the child have two heads? Lose the plural or you risk confusing people.
as she walked away. "Have fun sweeties!"
Squee! You got the "period-capital" thing right!
"Cute kid Madeleine."
"Thanks Ralph, she's perfect," the twenty year old single mother looked at her daughter happily.
No good! Who is Ralph? Where did he come from? You have to introduce Ralph before he talks, or between what he says and what Madeline says. Otherwise he may as well be Gazoo because he appears from no where, just to talk.
Also, what Madeline says in reply, no good.
"Thanks Ralph. She is perfect." Sounds much better. Only, since when are kids perfect? I thought adults usually whinged about their kids whenever they got the chance...
Plus, "the twenty year old single mother looked at her daughter happily".
Purple prose much?
You're cramming too much into a sentence where the average, non-writing person would just say "She said".
Try "The single mother looked at her daughter with pride." It's shorter and sums it up, too. Add later that she's only twenty. On the positive side, at least you didn't write 20.
Next...
"Um... Madeline, I was, I mean to say, would you... oh never mind."
I read this thinking "Blahhhh". You need to break this sentence up with some description.
For instance.
"Um... Madeline?" Ralph looked down at his sneakers as he grounded the toe into the dirt. "I was. . . I mean. . . would you. . . oh, never mind."
Sounds much better.
"Ralph, just spit it out."
Bland. Description.
"Ralph, just spit it out!" Madeline ordered, impatiently.
The two bland sentences together, as you had it, adds more blah to this piece, and no one wants that. All speech is what my brother wrote in his year 2 English book. I had to add that, he's standing right here and it was the first comparison I thought of.
Next...
"Would you like to go out on a date with me sometime?"
You can leave this sentence as it is once you've spiced up the two before it. But only then!
Madeline's face turned slightly red, she shouldn't say yes, she shouldn't set herself up for heartbreak again, but she couldn't say no, she didn't want to.
Why is this all one sentence? Break it up.
"Madeline's face turned slightly red. She knew she shouldn't say yes; she shouldn't set herself up for heartbreak again. But she couldn't say no; she didn't want to."
You gotta love semi-colons!
"That sounds great, when would be a good time?"
This sentence doesn't mesh with the previous one. Given that it is her talking, it should really be on it's own line, or once again you risk the reader's confusion.
"Friday?"
Not big on the question mark there. Either change it to a period or give it a friend.
"Friday?" Ralph suggested.
"Sounds great." Oh no, she said that twice? could she have a bigger stupid moment?
Bad bad bad bad bad! First, "Sounds great" repeated twice isn't really obvious unless you point it out, which you do, which adds blah. Also, why is the third person saying "oh-no"? Third person doesn't usually have an opinion. The following sentence makes no sense either.
"could she have a bigger stupid moment?"
First, capital C! Second, this sentence is one readers will have to read aloud to understand what you mean. Try:
"Could she have been any stupider?"
But then again, you don't even need and of that. Everything after "Sounds great" is just, as I said, blah.
Ralph's son, Christopher, was stuck on the monkey bars crying out. "Oh no, I'll be right back." Ralph ran over and lifted his son onto his shoulders.
Okay, here you introduce Christopher as a distraction, but it seems pretty sloppy. How about:
"A cry from the monkey bars indicated Christopher, Ralph's son, was in trouble."
Put "Oh no, I'll be right back" on it's own line. Followed by "Ralph said before he rushed over to his son's rescue." Makes him sound more attractive, since he is the main love interest. The knight in shining armour, so to speak.
"Mommy!"
Madeline looked over and saw her daughter, Elizabeth, stuck in the sandbox; two boys were kicking sand in her face. Madeline marched over and grabbed the two boys' ears. Nobody messed with her daughter.
Come on, Alice. You could have written this so much better! Basically what I get from this part is that you need a reason to separate the "lovers" and you rushed to split them up. You definitely need something before the child calls out "Mommy".
For Instance:
"Madeline watched as Ralph hoisted his son over his left shoulder. She flushed. His muscles were rippling from under his shirt. . ." et cetera, followed by "Her thoughts were distracted by a call from her daughter"
Then you add what you already had written, WHICH HAS A SEMI-COLON!
"What do you think you're doing to my daughter?"
How old are the boys, exactly? If they're under the age of 18, I suggest you give the adult more authority. If a mother saw that happening, she would say something like "How dare you boys do that to my daughter. I'll make sure your parents hear about this" or something along those lines. She wouldn't ask them what they were doing because it gives her less power.
She got only whimpers and whines.
How? She needs to show more authority...
“Who are your parents?”
Now we're getting somewhere!
The little red-headed boy pointed at a sour looking woman sitting on a bench.
This sentence is good...
Madeline took the two boys by the ears over to them, leaving Elizabeth alone in the sandbox to play.
Unfortunately you follow it up with this. The main part I'll complain about is
two boys by the ears over to them,
"Madeline, still holding the two boys by their ears, took them over to the woman (or even her)"
Better?
politely, “are these your boys?”
Period-capital!
said, “what have they done now?”
Period-capital
The mother glared at the children and took their arms, Madeline let go, “what did you think you were doing?” her voice became very stern.
Comma between "arms" and "Madeline" should really be a period.
Period-capital!
Also, what the woman says seems very out of character from the "sour" woman you suggested she was. Shouldn't her voice always have had a stern edge to it?
“We-we-we were just…playing mommy.”
This should be followed by "Stammered the red headed boy", or whichever one said it.
“Yeah well you should know the difference between playing and bullying by now Anthony!”
This could do with a bit more punctuation.
"Yeah? Well, you should know the difference between playing and bullying by now, Anthony!"
Better?
Elizabeth tugged on Madeline’s sleeve, “mommy I’m hungry.”
I thought she was in the sand-box...
PERIOD-CAPITAL!
Madeline picked her daughter up, “alright honey, wanna go to McDonalds?”
Period-capital.
Also, you really could improve that a little.
"Alright, honey. Want to go to McDonalds?"
Elizabeth smiled and nodded. “Alright, go get your jacket, I’m going to say good-bye to Ralph.”
Speech should be on its own line. Also, you probably should split this up into sentences.
"Okay, go get your jacket. I'm going to say good-bye to Ralph."
“Okay mommy.” The little girl ran off again.
Hehe, cute.
“You’re daughter sure is something,” Ralph commented.
Where the hell did he come from? Gazoo!
Also, why is he saying "You are daughter sure is something."?
Period, no comma!
“She’s your daughter for one. Two, she is the most well-behaved little girls I have ever seen.”
Aw, sweet. You indicate her as a plural again. "Little girl"
“Ralph you sure are a sweet talker,”
Comma.
"Ralph, you sure are a sweet talker." Period!
Madeline said and kissed his cheek just as Elizabeth came up.
Came up? That bugs me. Fix it. Perhaps "Showed up"?
she thought, what am I doing
Period-capital
She ignored the question in her head
No she didn't. She just thought it.
“Ready honey?” Elizabeth nodded. “Alright say bye to Ralph.”
I don't think this should all be on one line...
“Bye Ralph!” she said in her cute five-year-old voice.
Her cute five year old voice? This gives me the impression that she doesn't normally talk like that.
Madeline buckled Elizabeth into the car seat and went to hers.
Where did the car come from? Weren't they at the park bench?
Madeline held up an outfit and threw it down, ugly.
This is raced. Make it longer by adding something along the lines of
"Madeline held up an outfit and studied it, looking for whether or not it would highlight her curves" et cetera.
Seven outfits later she heard a knock on her door and shouted helplessly, “come in!”
That was a quick seven outfits...
Also, PERIOD-CAPITAL!
The door opened and- twenty-year-old mother of three-Donna came in.
Blah...
How about
"The door opened and Madeline's good friend Donna walked in."
“I’m going naked!”
Hehe
down on the bed, she felt like such a teenager.
Split this into two sentences.
pulled her back up, “not on the first date,
Period-Capital!
Besides, I brought some of my own.”
Her own what?
She stood up and pulled off the first top.
From where?
Wasn't she already standing?
“Green and brown go good together,”
Period, no comma. And no, I don't think they do.
Also, "go well together". I'm sure Madeline isn't a teenager or a foreigner.
that’s a huge no.”
"Huge no-no"
pulled off a pink one.
From where?
Not being shy Madeline pulled off her blue knit sweater and buttoned the pink blouse up,
Period. Also, wasn't she meant to put the top on? You usually do that before buttoning it up.
blouse up, “wow that
Period-Capital
“You look great, now where is that skirt,” she
Period-Capital.
Also, make it two sentences rather than one.
outfit is done, Then on to your hair.”
Period, not a comma. Also, I would prefer if this said "Then we'll start on your hair."
let those fall to the floor.
Let what?
“Ha, put this on and your outfit is done, Then on to your hair.” Madeline pulled the mini-skirt on over her sweat pants and let those fall to the floor. Donna French-braided her hair twice, letting the short hairs fall down.
This whole part is raced. I feel like I'm watching a movie I've never seen, and someone is pressing fast-forward every ten minutes, so I'm missing important plot points. Slow the story down, or the reader will feel like reading this was their daily exercise.
There was a knock on the front door, Madeline jumped up and walked as fast as she could to the living room.
Make this two sentences.
She smiled at Ralph,
Where did he come from? Gazoo!
“Absolutely,” she took
Period-Capital
If Georgia’s still unstable her mom will
Why was "unstable" in italics? If any word should be, make it "still"
“It’s a secret,” he put his hand on her knee, “don’t worry, you’ll love it.”
You got it right, almost. The comma after "knee" should be a period. But you got the "comma, no capital" thing down pat, which I assume you were trying to do earlier? Le Woot!
“Fine,” he said.
Period-capital
“if you want,
Capital. It's the start of a sentence.
He lifted an eyebrow, and grinned.
No comma
The concert rocked, Madeline couldn’t stop smiling.
What? How did they get there so fast? Damn, someone pressed fast-forward again!
started to file out Ralph put his arm around her waist.
"File out (comma) Ralph..."
She smiled, “that’s a very good thing.”
Period-Capital. How is it a good thing?
Her second favorite band, Oh Ralph, you’re…perfect.
What? Why is this all one sentence?
A look of panic crossed their faces and he went faster. The police cars were parked outside of her house.
Whoo! A climax at last!
“I’m Madeline Crawford, what’s going on in my house?”
I don't like this. If she was panicking, why did she bother to introduce herself?
The police officer explained that the neighbors had called after hearing gun shots, and that they had arrived finding Donna dead.
“Where’s my daughter?”
“We don’t know.”
Madeline’s world collapsed, her knees buckled, and everything went black.
You've got to be kidding me, fast forward AGAIN?
her eyes, “yeah?”
Period-capital
“Anything to help get my baby back.”
She doesn't really sound like she's panicking.
“Donna Simons, she was going to stay with her until I came home.”
No comma. Make it a period or a semicolon.
“Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? Anybody who would want to hurt you for some reason?”
Nice. Why would he say that when they murdered Donna, not her?
Agonizingly long weeks passed, and the worst part was they didn’t find Elizabeth.
You fast forwarded again! I missed plot points!
No sign of her anywhere, Madeline spent more time pacing around the living room and crying.
Make that two sentences.
one before, her cell phone
Semi colon!
Ralph helped her a lot, he took her
Semi colon
her cell phone, but at the end of the day
Turn the comma into a period.
she finally broke and cried
She had been crying the whole time...
“Hello Miss Crawford? This is detective Mason.”
“Yes, hi, detective Mason.”
“Miss Crawford, we’ve found your daughter.”
“Oh my god, really?”
“Yes, but...”
“Where can I pick her up?”
“Miss Crawford, she’s dead.”
This is the big moment in your story, and you kinda botched it. As I said earlier... I think, it's getting hard to remember... when you make things strictly speech, without and description, you race through it, which makes it less of a firework and more of a year 2 school report.
Madeline’s world fragmented,
Fragmented doesn't work here. Try dumbing it down a bit, with a word like "shattered". Although shattered isn't really dumbed down, it makes a lot more sense.
her daughter, her beautiful baby girl, was dead.
This shouldn't be connected to another sentence. It should be a line of its own. Set it free.
Madeline couldn’t think, she couldn’t focus, it was like her mind broke inside her
This just doesn't sound right. It sounds not only raced, but forced. Like you knew you had to describe a moment like this but you were reluctant to. It's like you were assigned this by a teacher. You wrote this out of your own free will, so relax a little.
How could this have happened? How could she have let her daughter be killed? Why had it happened?
Forced
Thoughts swam around in her head as she balled, if she hadn’t gone out with Ralph she could’ve protected her
This shouldn't be one sentence, break it up.
nobodies but her own.
Nobodies? you mean no-one elses. It fits better.
The drive to the police station was short and silent. They were led down to the morgue.
Fast forwarded.
Elizabeth smiled up at them
If she's dead, she can't smile because there's no tension in her face. Also, I've heard (this may not be true) that when you die, your eyes stay open because there is no tension. I'm not sure because I've never watched a person die before, but I know she wouldn't be smiling.
Ralph held her up as she sobbed
Elizabeth?
“How did she die?” Ralph asked for Madeline.
I really don't think Madeline would care to know.
“Multiple fractions to the abdomen and the ribs, she was crushed to death.”
Should be two sentences
around her, “she was run over?”
Period-capital.
The coroner shook his head, “no, someone much larger than her was on her.”
Tragic. And not just that she was crushed, you still aren't doing the "Period-Capital".
Although he hadn’t said it, Ralph and Madeline both knew what had happened.
But he just did say it...
“Have they found who did it?” The coroner nodded.
Why is the coroner asking Madeline? And is the nodding a twitch? These should be separate, or the reader's confusion is risked once more.
Another month went by.
Fast forward again. Who did it?
Madeline visited Elizabeth every day, never bringing Ralph. She didn’t blame him, she couldn’t blame him.
but she does...
to go back to her house, Elizabeth’s memory was etched
Semicolon
Another month went by. Elizabeth had been buried, the trial had happened and the pedophile had been sentenced to life in prison.
Madeline visited Elizabeth every day, never bringing Ralph. She didn’t blame him, she couldn’t blame him. He had been so helpful throughout the whole ordeal, and he never grew tired of her. She still couldn’t bring herself to go back to her house, Elizabeth’s memory was etched all over it. The first time she tried she saw Elizabeth skipping from the couch to the kitchen to sneak a cookie.
She couldn’t do that again. Elizabeth was her life, everything revolved around what had been right for her, the best way to protect her. Madeline would have done anything for her, she would have killed, and she would have died, anything to ensure her daughters safety. And the one night she did something for herself, with no bitter thoughts in her head, was the night Elizabeth needed her more than ever.
She couldn’t cry any more, all the tears she had were shed.
Four years passed.
Madeline was sitting at a dinner with Ralph. He looked extremely nervous. “Ralph? Are you okay?”
He swallowed, “yeah, why?”
“You just look really nervous.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box, “Madeline,” he swallowed again. Madeline was having a hard time not laughing. “Will you marry me?”
“What?”
“I wanted to ask you for… a year now but, I couldn’t get up the courage to ask you.” He opened the box and she gasped silently.
“You mean you’ve been carrying this around with you for a year?” He nodded. “I love you,” she sighed taking his hand.
“Is that a yes?”
She smiled, “that’s a yes.”
This whole ending is rushed, like you were trying to get to the end, and quite honestly I was trying to get to the end too. When I read this, it starts like you're really into the story and ends like you are in a rush to finish an English assignment. I repeat what I said before. RELAX! It's your own piece, there should be no pressure.
I hope this crit helped because it took me about 2 hours to write!!
Points: 1840
Reviews: 160
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