z

Young Writers Society



The 12 hour love story

by Alice


A Twelve Hour Romance.

Romana drove along the highway, looking for somebody who looked like they were in need of a ride. That was her hobby, giving people rides who looked like they needed it. Finally she found a kid, no older than 18 walking along the highway.

“Need a ride kid?” she asked.

“No ma’am,” he replied.

“Kid, get in here. It’s frickin freezing outside.” He seemed hesitant and about ready to run, “kid, I’m not gonna hurt you. Just get in here and tell me where you’re going.”

Finally he climbed into the car and shut the door. “Thanks ma’am.”

“No problem kid. Where’re ya headed?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know, just looking for some place warm to sleep tonight.”

“You’re coming home with me.”

“No ma’am, I wouldn’t-“

“Just shut up, I’m driving you home; you look frozen to the bone.” She turned the heater all the way up and the music. “Hope you don’t mind my music, its kinda old school.”

“It’s fine.”

Romana looked at her watch, “she’d better be home when I get there or she is in so much trouble.”

“Who?” he asked.

“My daughter, she’s got a habit of staying late at her boyfriend’s house lately,” she growled and turned the radio up louder. Within the hour she pulled into her parking spot and went into her house. “Little girl!” she shouted, “are you home?”

He watched from the doorway while a black haired, grey eyed, beautiful girl came out of no where and faced her mother. “Yes mommy dearest?”

Her mother pressed a kiss to her forehead, “good you’re home. I was going to have to lock you away when you got back.”

She looked over her mother’s shoulder and looked at him critically, “picked up a stray have ya mom?”

“He’s got no where to go,” she said defensively, “figured we’d let him crash on the couch tonight.”

She shrugged and leaned around her mom again, “want some hot chocolate? Or coffee?”

“No thanks.”

She glared at him, “you’re getting one of the two. Your choice to which one.”

“Hot chocolate.”

“Good choice.” She grabbed his jacket arm and hauled him passed her mother and into the kitchen. “Stand here, it’s a space heater.”

“You guys are too kind,” he protested.

“Not really,” she said turning on the faucet and letting the water get into the kettle. “We’re just doing our job.”

“Your job?” Do they do this often? They’re going to get themselves into trouble. Shame, they’re such nice people.

“Helping people, granted this is the first time mom brought somebody home but we try to help people as much as we can.” He watched as she gracefully put the kettle on the stove and turned the oven on. “I was just making some cookies.”

She pulled out a chair for him to sit in, and when he refused she shoved him down in it. “What’s your name?” he asked.

She paused grabbing a mug from the cupboard, “Beckah.”

“Pretty name.”

She smiled and sat the mug down in front of him, “I always thought so.” She scurried around the kitchen getting out marshmallows, the hot chocolate mix, and some cookies. They made polite small talk as they waited for the water to get hot, it seemed to take forever before she realized she had left the burner off. “Brilliant,” she said as she switched it on High. “Shouldn’t take too long now.”

“Let’s hope not.” He said starting to shiver. Without another word she stood up, went into the living room and came back with a blanket. She smiled as she wrapped it around his shoulders and pulled the space heater closer to where they were sitting. “You really like doing this huh?” he asked as she handed him his mug, now full of hot chocolate.

“Doing what?” she asked taking a sip of her own.

“Helping people.”

She shrugged. “It’s kinda a second nature to me.” She looked at the clock and her beautiful blue eyes went wide. “Merde, I gotta go to bed. I’ll help you pull out the bed on the couch.”

“Alright.” Together they moved the coffee table away from the couch and pulled the bed out of the couch. “Wanna talk a little bit?” he asked, reluctant to stop talking to her since he’d be gone in the morning. But he knew he shouldn’t be making ties with anyone, he didn’t know if he’d be back to say good-bye again.

She smiled, and it seemed to pierce the loneliness that invaded his whole life. “That sounds nice.” She stretched out on the bed next to him and looked into his deep blue eyes, they were clouded with loneliness that made her want to cry. “Where are you headed?”

“Somewhere warm, I don’t really know where exactly. I just have to get as far away as possible.”

She propped herself up on her elbow, “why?”

He shocked himself by answering with something more than what he usually told people who answered that. “My mom always told me that my dad walked out on us. I don’t know why she said that when really I was a child of rape.” He scanned her eyes to see a reaction he could loathe, but he didn’t get anything. “Well my dad came back one day, told me the truth,” he closed his eyes, “I couldn’t stand the thought of him being anywhere near my mom. I put him in the hospital, got him an ankle bracelet that makes sure he stays a hundred meters away from my mom. But he’s after me now.”

She reached up and brushed a patch of hair away from his face, not saying anything. But in her eyes he saw something he hadn’t seen in his entire life. He saw genuine love. “When are you leaving?” she asked with non-too-subtle regret.

“Tomorrow morning.” He cupped her face and held her gaze, why she loved him he had no idea, and unless he stayed with her for years he never would know. “You know,” he said, “you’re the only one who ever showed me kindness.” He brushed a faint kiss across her lips. “But I know that’s not near enough to repay you for what you’ve given me.”

“We only gave you some hot chocolate and a bed.”

He kissed her again, a little more deeply this time. “No, it was more than that. You gave me kindness. Something I’ve never felt before.” He paused, drinking in her beauty, “but let’s talk about something less depressing now.”

All through the night they talked, they talked about what his life was like before his dad came back, how her life was like now. On and on they talked, and with every word that passed through her beautiful lips his heart grew heavier at the thought of leaving. How could one girl affect him so only hours after they met?

He could tell she was dozing, and she had one more thing to say, “you know,” she said smiling, “we don’t even know your name.”

“Well I haven’t said it,” he said his tone soothing, slowly trying to urge her to sleep.

“So handsome stranger,” she smiled, “what is your name?”

“Riley.”

She smiled and closed her eyes.

“Beckah?” he whispered.

“Hmmm?”

“I love you.”

Her eyes opened and went wide, “you what?”

“I love you. Crazy as it seems, I love you.”

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him, “I love you too.”

He held onto the kiss as long as he could, he’d never felt this way before in his entire life, and he knew that unless he stayed, or took her along, he’d never feel this way again. But could he do that? He couldn’t stay, his father was always too close on his tail for him to stay somewhere for too long, and bringing Beckah along with him would lead her into the horrible life he led.

At ten in the morning he slid out of the bed couch thing, leaving Beckah tucked safely inside. He looked down at her one last time before turning away. He’d had only twelve hours with this girl, but he knew that he loved her, he didn’t know how, didn’t know why, but he fell in love with her so quickly.

He saw her cell phone on the coffee table and picked it up. Encoded somewhere in it was her phone number, and he etched it on his hand with his pen. On a paper he wrote a short farewell, coupled with the promise to call if he ever got the chance.

“I love you Beckah, and I won’t forget you,” he whispered before kissing both her eye-lids and walking down the hall. He would be gone from her life forever, he realized morbidly as he shut the door behind him. He would never see her again…No! he screamed at himself. He couldn’t bear the thought of being gone from her forever.

“I’ll come back for you,” he whispered to the door, hoping that somehow, she would hear him and know that he always kept his promises. He glanced back at the house one last time before disappearing into the dawn.

End


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Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:51 am
Meep(: wrote a review...



Erm. I'm confused.
Beckah is the... daughter?
And Merde is the... mom? or some foreign language word?
Sorry, I'm kinda dumb :D

I thought the daughter had a boyfriend... and now she's fallen in love with Riley?
O_O
Or did I see wrongly?
12 hours IS kind of short to be so sure that you've fallen in love with someone.
But it was explained quite well, because she showed him kindness etc...

Quite an abrupt ending, like everyone has pointed out,
But the story was sweet. Very sweet.
Good try! Keep up the awesome work!
- I don't think I can even write that well XD




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Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:19 am
chichi wrote a review...



This is quite a good story, very well written. Despite all the grammatical errors JabberHut has pointed out (which cuts my review down :x ) I still have something to say about it.

Who, exactly, is the main character here? At the beginning it looks like it's Romana, then Beckah, then Riley. You need to choose one and stick to them. Since Riley is the one with the most back story, which you could have kept a secret for a high point of drama later in the book, I would choose him.

The story moves way, way, way too fast. I thought he had fallen in love with her in twelve minutes! You didn't include any details about what went on in those twelve hours, besides them talking and suddenly kissing. You need to create more tension between the characters and drop more hints to the readers that they're falling in love. Maybe some thoughts, emotions or actions? You need to be subtle, but not that subtle that you don't mention it. I'm pretty sure people don't just fall in love with anyone who gives them a place to stay (charity workers would be very well off if this was the case). So give their relationship some foundation.

“You’re coming home with me.”


I don't blame the kid for being scared. If someone is trying to help, they usually don't use such forceful language. It's weird. Try having her tone softer and include both of their thoughts, maybe?

He shocked himself by answering with something more than what he usually told people who answered that.


Huh? This sentence sounds like it's confused itself. I thought he was answering the question? It would be less confusing if you split it into two sentences - "He was shocked. He answered more than he usually did to this question." or something like that.

As JabberHut has already pointed out, watch your commas! You often didn't have enough. I must say, though, this is quite a nice story. Sounds like there's a part two in store...?




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Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:40 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hey, Alice. I don't think I have read any of your work before but I saw this and the title caught my eye.

So here I go reviewing! :wink:

“Just shut up, I’m driving you home; you look frozen to the bone.” She turned the heater all the way up and the music. “Hope you don’t mind my music, its kinda old school.”


At this point, I would be totally freaked out. This lady is really up front and in your face, isn't she? Maybe try to explain what's going through the kids head right now cause I'm slightly confused...

He watched from the doorway while a black haired, grey eyed, beautiful girl came out of no where and faced her mother. “Yes mommy dearest?”


Mommy, dearest? How old is this girl?


She looked over her mother’s shoulder and looked at him critically, “picked up a stray have ya mom?”


Wow, she's rude...I realize that she's nicer the more I read but maybe try to show that she is only kidding or something.


He held onto the kiss as long as he could, he’d never felt this way before in his entire life, and he knew that unless he stayed, or took her along, he’d never feel this way again. But could he do that? He couldn’t stay, his father was always too close on his tail for him to stay somewhere for too long, and bringing Beckah along with him would lead her into the horrible life he led.


You have such a cute idea going on here, but I feel like everything is moving way to fast. I want to know what they talked about. I want to know what else made his heart beat faster when around her. I want to know all those corny details that make a romance so beautiful and mesmerizing! Try to elaborate on those things more :D


Yes, this was an adorable thought. I just want to know more about his life, why he keeps all his promises, all that jazz!

But it was a good work. Just try to add more to it! :D




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Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:24 pm
Thai Food wrote a review...



First off, this guy is an idiot. I'm sorry, but someone that has psychological problems would not be running around hitchhiking. They would also not trust a random person. Especially if the random person was being forceful. [His mother was raped and he trusting someone forceful? Hmmmm.]

I mean, what guy, in that condition would A: fall in love in the first place and B: fall in love within hours of meeting a person. There is no such thing as "love at first sight." It has only been, and only will ever be, physical attraction at first sight.

Frankly, the fact that you received acclaim for this dribble is astounding.

I think this would be good if you were trying to be random and funny. But, apparently, you were not.

There is nothing wrong with romance. But romance at that pace is just ridiculous. I think that you could have made Riley resist such feelings, or at least, for a while, and then he could slowly let his guard down.

You have some skill, so it's not a total waste. This is just practice. But please, don't practice doing something so cliche.

Oh, and by the way, you inspired me. You may take that negatively or positively. I personally believe that your inspiring me will at least help me become a better writer.

Good luck with your writing and I hope you tread a far less traveled path.

-Thai

P.S. Thank you Sela.




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Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:05 pm
Sela Locke wrote a review...



Well, first off, this was really, really unrealistic.

I mean, what kind of woman drives along the freeway looking for lonely hitchhikers, then when she finds one, practically forces them inside her car, and demands they tell her where they're going? I was starting to get creeped out, and if that woman would've stopped next to me while I was walking along, I would run off screaming to the nearest police station, and hoped NEVER to see her again.

Another thing - The whole, 'love at first sight' thing gets extremely old. What kind of kid would just tell someone he'd just met that his father - a rapist - was tracking him down? No one with that kind of background - in fact, no one with any sort of sense - would just pour that out, no matter how grey-eyed and beautiful the girl they spoke to was.

As JFW commented, what kind of girl would meet a random hitchhiker, especially when she already had a boyfriend, and promptly cheat on this supposed boyfriend with 'Riley'?

To be totally honest, I've always liked Romance at some level or other, but these are just so, so overused! If you could write something new, I bet it would be great - but as this is, I'd suggest throwing it out, and beginning again with something you actually want to stick with. It is possible to make short story realistic.

Anyhow, good luck - I'm sure something will hit you soon.

-SELA




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:09 pm
JFW1415 wrote a review...



Just a few things. Like everyone else, I believe it moved too quickly. The girl has a boyfriend she's aparently spending more and more time with, yet when this guy talks to her, she kisses him and tells him she loves him? Also, how she said 'mommy dearest' really contridicted how she acted throughout the rest of the story, and if she was being sarcastic in saying that, you might want to make it more clear.

I like the idea, but people don't fall in love that quickly. I suggest you show more of his emotions throughout the whole thing, too. It is possible for them to grow feelings for the other, but the kissing/'I love you' thing was too quick. Maybe have him kiss her forehead before he leaves? You can show their emotions, but they don't need to act on them that quickly; she doesn't know him that well, and he doesn't know her.




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 5:31 pm



Great story.
I like the idea of falling in love within 12 hours.
It's the embodiment of love at first sight....

I truly love this story.
If you keep writing like this you will really get some where.




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 3:50 pm
TNCowgirl wrote a review...



Alice, I LOVED this one. It was very good. I don't really have any litterary problems that I have seen with it, but this one was really good. I think this is one that would be awesome to continue, though I think your done with it, least you said the end. :P. But I think it was a really good one. It moved really fast, but it is a short story, my teacher said they are supposed to move really fast, and be full of action not matter what kind of short story.

This also portraies that not everyone out there 'picking up' hitchhikers are bad. I know people who do that. So good job, your portrayed it very well.


TN




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 3:26 pm
Bella wrote a review...



Crispy---there does not have to be sex in a romance for it to be good. Sex is not romance, sex is not love. Sex is something you do only with someone you do love, but it is far from the basis of a romance.

Also, there's :)

Alice, dear. I love this. I feel no need to say more, seeing as I inspired it, and I knew the plot before it was on paper.

Love,

Bella




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 2:35 pm
jessiieeboo wrote a review...



Well Jabber had pretty much said it all. :shock:
I have to say, it went by alittle too quickly for my liking.
Most of all I think that the ending was very abrupt.
Not sure on how to explain it though :?
In the end, very nice piece. Keep working on it.
:D

Jessie xx




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 11:57 am
Aedomir wrote a review...



Wow Jabber! Leave some fun for the rest of us :wink:

Alright, since the grammar has been delt with...

I liked this a lot. Emminently, there are a good few grammar errors, but I'm sure you can fix these if you read Jabber's post! lol

The characters seem a bit flat, but this is only one part. Its an interesting storyline here, well done!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

EDIT: There are some spammer going around 'crispy' and 'lold' ignore them.




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:46 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello, Alice! Thought I'd stop by your work. ^_^

Finally she found a kid, no older than 18, walking along the highway.


“Need a ride, kid?” she asked.

“No, ma’am,” he replied.


He seemed hesitant and about ready to run, [period instead] “[s]kid[/s] Kid, I’m not gonna hurt you.


Finally he climbed into the car and shut the door. “Thanks, ma’am.”

“No problem, kid. Where’re ya headed?”


He shrugged, [period instead] “I don’t know, just looking for some place warm to sleep tonight.”


“No, ma’am, I wouldn’t-“


She turned the heater all the way up and the music.


She turned the heater on high and the volume of the music all the way up. Adjust accordingly. ^_^

“Hope you don’t mind my music, [period instead] [s]its[/s] It's kinda old school.”


It's = It is :wink:

Romana looked at her watch, [period instead] “[s]she’d[/s] She'd better be home when I get there or she is in so much trouble.”


. Within the hour, she pulled into her parking spot and went into her house.


“Little girl!” she shouted, “are you home?”


"Little girl!" she shouted. "Are you home?"

Wow, little girl? I'd hate her for that. :lol:

He watched from the doorway while a black haired, grey eyed, beautiful girl came out of no where and faced her mother. “Yes mommy dearest?”


He watched from the doorway as a black-haired, gray-eyed, beautiful girl came from the hall and halted in front of her mother. "Yes, mommy, dearest?"

I'm gonna take this moment to ask: what time period is this? Where are we? Pretty much, I have no clue of the setting.

Her mother pressed a kiss to her forehead, [period instead] “[s]good[/s] Good, you’re home. I was going to have to lock you away [s]when you got back[/s] if you were late.”


She looked over her mother’s shoulder and looked at him critically, [period instead] “[s]picked[/s] Picked up a stray, have ya, mom?”


“He’s got no where to go,” she said defensively, [period instead] “[s]figured[/s] Figured we’d let him crash on the couch tonight."


She shrugged and leaned around her mom again, [period instead] “[s]want[/s] Want some hot chocolate? Or coffee?”


“No, thanks.”


She glared at him, [period instead] “[s]you’re[/s] You're getting one of the two. Your choice as to which one.”


“Stand here, [dash?] it’s a space heater.”


“Helping people, granted this is the first time mom brought somebody home, but we try to help people as much as we can.”


She pulled out a chair for him to sit in, and when he refused, she shoved him down in it.


She paused, grabbing a mug from the cupboard, [period instead] “Beckah.”


She smiled and sat the mug down in front of him, [period instead] “I always thought so.” She scurried around the kitchen, getting out marshmallows, the hot chocolate mix, and some cookies. They made polite small talk as they waited for the water to get hot, [period instead] it seemed to take forever before she realized she had left the burner off.


Without another word, she stood up, went into the living room, and came back with a blanket.


“Doing what?” she asked, taking a sip of her own.


She shrugged. “It’s kinda [s]a[/s] second nature to me.”


Trying saying that aloud. Lol, it's hard. Delete a.

She looked at the clock and her beautiful blue eyes went wide.


Hold the show! I thought they were gray. :wink:

But he knew he shouldn’t be making ties with anyone, [period instead] he didn’t know if he’d be back to say good-bye again.


She stretched out on the bed next to him and looked into his deep blue eyes, [semi or period] they were clouded with loneliness that made her want to cry.


“Somewhere warm, [period?] I don’t really know where, exactly. I just have to get as far away as possible.”


She propped herself up on her elbow, [period instead] “[s]why[/s] Why?”


“Well my dad came back one day, told me the truth,” he closed his eyes, [period instead] “I couldn’t stand the thought of him being anywhere near my mom.


But in her eyes, he saw something he hadn’t seen in his entire life.


He cupped her face and held her gaze, [period instead] why she loved him, he had no idea, and unless he stayed with her for years to come, he never would know.


He paused, drinking in her beauty, [period instead] “[s]but[/s] But let’s talk about something less depressing now.”


On and on they talked, and with every word that passed through her beautiful lips, his heart grew heavier at the thought of leaving.


He could tell she was dozing, and she had one more thing to say, [period instead] “you know,” she said smiling, “we don’t even know your name.”


“Well I haven’t said it,” he said, his tone soothing, slowly trying to urge her to sleep.


“So, handsome stranger,” she smiled, “what is your name?”


She smiled in the last thing she said. You don't need to repeat that. ^^

Her eyes opened and went wide, [period instead] “[s]you[/s] You what?”


She smiled and leaned up to kiss him, period instead] “I love you too.”


He held onto the kiss as long as he could, [period instead] he’d never felt this way before in his entire life, and he knew that unless he stayed, or took her along, he’d never feel this way again.


At ten in the morning he slid out of the bed couch thing, leaving Beckah tucked safely inside.


That doesn't much impress the reader. ^^;

he whispered before kissing both her [s]eye-lids[/s] eyelids and walking down the hall.


and know that he always kept his promises


Maybe show this earlier in the story somehow?

Overall, it was real touching. It did go by quickly, but you seemed to know that as the author. I don't know about the falling-in-love-so-quickly thing works well. That's just me, though.

I hope I helped some. Keep writing! ^^

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:18 am
LunaBuna43 wrote a review...



Wow! This is great! For some reason I almost cried at the end... :cry:

I agree with MV. It happened to quickly.

Other than that it's really good.

Have Fun Writing,
LuLu




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:26 am
MidnightVampire wrote a review...



Ok, things seem to happen quickly. He meets Beckah, and falls in love with her in a couple of hours. This kinda bugs me, because things don't happen in real life that way. Though, I won't through you a rant, so let's move on, shall we?

The ending was a cliff hanger in a way. I liked it and yet I hated it at the same time. I don't know what happens and it makes me feel like it the story is unfinished.

Flaws of characters:

The flaws of Beckah and her mother is the fact that they don't seem to have any. Just add a few flaws to them, nobody's perfect, even though many of us wish we were.
I'm glad that you (at first) kept why Riley was walking, it made me want to read more. Then I was surprised by why he was walking and saying how he had to get far away. Surprising people is always good! I don't know if there's anything else, your punctuation looks good (though I suck at it so I really never know). If I missed it, someone else is sure to point it out.

Happy Writing!
MV




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Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:21 am
bookgeek wrote a review...



This is one good piece. you have developed fully the characterization of characters... antagonism is of two-level--intra- (within himself arguing whther to stay on or to go) and interpersonal (that is, his father is on his tail, though it was only narrated)... the use of dialogue also contributed to make the characters three-dimensional... you also painted the setting (Beckah's house) nicely as if I was there sitting on the couch too. plot is simple and direct to the point. in all, this is a good job..





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