z

Young Writers Society



Just let me sleep

by Alice


Turn out the lights
its way too bright for me...
Turn out the lights
show me some sympathy
I don't wanna wake up yet
I want to stay asleep

(chorus)
I'll smile through all my tears
I'll smile to erase your fears.
Just don't make me get up yet.
Don't make me face the day.
Don't make me smile; I'm not ready yet
Just let me sleep.

Don't, turn the lights on...again
its not dark enough for me
Don't, turn the lights on....again
I'm not ready to face the world yet
I don't want to be alive
I want to pretend to die

(chorus)
I'll smile through all my tears
I'll smile to erase your fears.
Just don't make me get up yet.
Don't make me face the day.
Don't make me smile; I'm not ready yet
Just let me sleep.

Turn out the lights
Its easier on me
Turn out the lights
My sugar glass heart can't take it
I don't want to be here
I just want to be nowhere

(chorus)
I'll smile through all my tears
I'll smile to erase your fears.
Just don't make me get up yet.
Don't make me face the day.
Don't make me smile; I'm not ready yet
Just let me sleep.

Just let me sleep.

Just...
Let...
me...
sleep...

(Guitar and piano here)

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Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:36 pm
PsychicNinja says...



I liked this too. I thought it was very good.

The only problem I had was that you repeated sugar glass heart again.

~Timea




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Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:09 pm
Kalliope wrote a review...



Hey, Alice,

I'm not sure about this one. I basically really like your idea of describing a situation where someone does not feel ready to face the day and just wants to stay asleep forever.
However this song didn't touch me. I can't feel the emotion. I think that's because it's a little too vague in some places.

Let's see (It's mainly "peanuts", so don't be shocked because of the lenght :wink:):

Turn out the lights
its way too bright for me... [Maybe change "it's" to "they're" since you're speaking of lights?]
Turn out the lights
show me some sympathy
I don't wanna wake up yet
I want to stay asleep


This verse is quite good for starting the song. It creates the situation, that is the basis of your lyric and kind of let's the listener slide in.


(chorus)
I'll smile through all my tears
I'll smile to erase your fears.
Just don't make me get up yet.
Don't make me face the day.
Don't make me smile; I'm not ready yet
Just let me sleep.


Okay, I have a couple problems with this part.
1) In line one and two you promise to smile. Then in line six you say "don't make me smile". [Suggestion: take the yet from the end of the line and put it behind "smile"? Wouldn't change your flow and it would make it clearer.]
2)
I'll smile through all my tears
I'll smile to erase your fears.


You metion tears and fears. It is obvious that they are the reason the "I" doesn't want to get up, doesn't want to live, but where do they come from?
It's too vague in my eyes. People that listen to the song will have that question and there's not even a hint for an answer in the lyric.
(I guess that's my main issue.)
I don't think you have to give a big answer, but I think there should be some kind of explination to make it easier for people to relate to the situation.

Don't, turn the lights on...again
its not dark enough for me
Don't, turn the lights on....again
I'm not ready to face the world yet
I don't want to be alive
I want to pretend to die


1) I think you got a bit carried away in this part.
I underlined the things, I find a bit too drastic and vague. Keep it simple, so that people can relate. [Suggestion: Maybe answer the "Why?" here? Would be a good place to do it, since in your next verse your speaking of "it", which is the problem, I take it. Plus It's pretty much in the middle, so your lyric would "hit it's peak"(no idea if I just used that term correctly :wink:) there.]

2)
Don't, turn the lights on...again
its not dark enough for me


This is kind of a contradiction to:

Turn out the lights
its way too bright for me...


But writing "they're" in the first stanze and "it's" in the second would get rid of that conflict, since they're would refer to the lights and "it's" to the surrounding.


Turn out the lights
Its easier on me
Turn out the lights
My sugar glass heart can't take it
I don't want to be here
I just want to be nowhere


I really like the first two lines of this stanza. But the sugar glass kind of comes out of nowhere. The last line somehow bothers me. Maybe too drastic, but I think that may just be me :)



Just let me sleep.

Just...
Let...
me...
sleep...


I love the way you close the piece. It's as if the "I" was just drifting off, falling asleep.

Yes, I think I do like this :D
Work on it, hope this is some help ^^

Keep it up :wink:

~Kalli




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Sat Dec 29, 2007 3:16 am



It's nice, but the vampire heart things kinda came out of nowhere XD. I think it seems a little out of place. But yeah, it's nice. *doesn't really know what to say, though XD*

--meow




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Sat Dec 29, 2007 3:15 am
BigBadBear wrote a review...



That was good. :)

I really don't know what to say. I'm not very good at critiquing lyrics. Well, grammaratically (is that a word?) there was one line that wasn't right.

"Don't make me smile I'm not ready yet"

This isn't right. I would add a semicolon (;) between smile and I'm.

Well, this is good. Good job and keep writing!

BBB





He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero