Young Writers Society

I liked this a ton. I would definatly read the other parts. Of course everyone has already said everything that I have wanted, so keep up the good work and I look forward to reading the other parts.

Cait

it was good, save for the few punctuation mistakes.
but what am i saying, read my "all about dark holes"
i've got quite a few spelling and gramatical errors on it.
i haven't quite got to correcting it.

okay back to you piece.
i really love it.
post the next part soon

it was good. can't wit for the next part of it!

This was a little rambling, but not bad. There were some punctuation mistakes, too.

It's kind of funny that Darcie is one of her best friends but still she seems to somewhat dislike her. At least when it comes to guy business. But I know how she feels. I've gone through the same thing Also, there's a fair lot about Darcie here, but not a word about her other friends.

All the technical stuff has already been pointed out, so I won't bother on doing that all over again. I didn't quite understand the 1/2/10 thing, but I'll probably keep reading this. By the way, I'd like to know the MC's age, too. But maybe it'll come out in next parts.

The main idea of this doesn't seem that fresh and new. Not like "Wow! I've never read anything like this!". But sadly, that's the problem of most stories.

Well, I may get back to you in the next chapters. Keep enjoying writing!

Best regards
Demeter xx

The first thing I will say is, "Oh my gosh! This is the beginning of a really good book." This is the type of stuff that I like to read. Being honest here, if I were at Borders or Barnes & Noble or wherever and read the first page of this, I would say, "Man, I don't know if I should get this or not." In one instance, I wouldn't want to get it because at the beginning it's about best friends. Not that I have anything against those "best friend" stories, but I, personally, just like the books where you plunge right into the romance as soon as you start reading the first page. But, different people like different things. There's nothing wrong; just giving my opinion. But, I'd probably buy it because the back cover of the book and the illustration on it would probably say a lot about what it's about.

Now, on to the critique:
Oh, by the way, everything that I write will be in bold. All of your words will be in italics. ^ ^

Every Saturday at nine this gets shouted, the five of us stand on whatever roof we happen to be under and shout that to the sky. That’s because every Saturday from six to nine, we’re all seven years old again.

Hm... I'm not sure if you meant to write the first sentence like that or not. Do they really stand on the roof that they're under? For some reason, that just doesn't quite make much sense to me, but I could be wrong. But, the second sentence, I absolutely love. Pure genius I tell you!


“We” meaning myself (Rachel) and my four best friends, Jamie, Darcie, Myra, and Hope. If I had to separate my friends into how much I love them, Darcie would be at the bottom. All the guys I know are in love with her. Now that wouldn’t bug me so much as the fact that she doesn’t do any flirting with them! I know, I’ve asked what her secret is and she’s replied that she didn’t have one at all. So I love her the least out of pure jealousy.

In the first sentence, I don't think you should put the MC's name in parentheses. I think that you should wait until she's speaking to another character. Like, when she's speaking to Josh, have him say her name. For example, "Rachel, we should talk." Or, something like that. Not the best example, but you catch my drift. I like how the MC says that if she had to separate her friends into how much she loves them, Darcie would be at the bottom, just out of spite. Lmao! Again, genius! Now, the third sentence is quite a bit of a problem. It really doesn't make much sense. Re-read it if you would............. Do you see what I mean now? Maybe say, "It wouldn't bother me so much, except for the simple fact that she doesn't even flirt with them! They're just automatically in love with her!"


The best advice I’ve given:

Don’t tell her.

LOVE it! I've actually done this before just out of spite. A guy that I liked came up to me in sixth grade and said, "Hey, how should I tell Sarah that I like her?" Sarah was my best friend and I was SO pissed off (excuse me) that he liked HER and not me. So, I told him, "You shouldn't. She doesn't even like boys." That kind of made her mad at me because everyone thought she was... well, you know.


Don’t you miss the old days? The days when guys still had cooties and liked chasing you around with worms, and when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to “why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?” was because he wanted you to bite it off? Do you miss those days to? I know I do. I miss the days before hormones told us guys were hot or nerds, or whatever else we label guys as.

I think that if you put a comma after the word 'parents' it would flow a lot better. Just a suggestion. And the 'w' in the word 'why' should be capitalized. And after the word 'off', I think it should be a period, not a question mark. In the third sentence, the word 'to' should really be 'too'.


I miss the days before I was hopelessly in love with Josh. Josh was this good for nothing, punk who had a motorcycle. He had only a vague idea I existed. I was the librarian to him. If he had something he needed to find anywhere, I’d be able to tell him.

'Good for nothing' would read much easier if it were 'good-for-nothing'. And you don't need a comma after 'nothing'. You could probably even make it 'good-for-nothing-punk'. In the last sentence, you should probably take out the word 'anywhere'. It would flow easier.


The greatest days are the days when he needs to find something. Today was one of those great days. He needed help finding a better place to eat lunch. My inner core screamed out to tell him with me.

I think you should change the last sentence to something like: "My conscience shouted at me to tell him-just tell him everything!"


He shrugged, “nothing in particular.”

Change this to: "He shrugged. "Nothing in particular."


He wasn’t a poker player, he didn’t bluff and I knew that was the truth. He just wanted to talk! My heart did tap dances in my chest. Very elaborate tap dances too, with ballet leaps and summer salts and back flips cartwheels, you name it my heart was doin it.

That first sentence definitely works well. That's good. But, change the last sentence to something like: "Very elaborate tap dances, with ballet leaps, summer salts, back flips, cartwheels-you name it, my heart was doing it."


We sat there and started talking…sorta. There was more just questioning and responding with single words before another awkward silence appeared. I hated it.

No. No, no, no! Just delete this whole part. It's not necessary. In fact, it's quite blundering... Or, just say, "There was an awkward silence. I couldn't take it!"


“I…” his cheeks started to turn red. He was…blushing? I didn’t even know he could blush!

Another space after the "I..." part would be perfect. And the 'h' in 'his' should be capitalized. And the second sentence needs a space after the third period, right before the word 'blushing'.


“Josh…I like you okay? If that’s what you wanted to know when you came over here you have it now you can go.”

He sighed. “It was…but I’m not going anywhere quite yet.” He looked at me, “I need your help.”

You have the exact same problem here as I just mentioned above. Might want to fix that... Plus, in the first "paragraph", second sentence here, you should split it into two separate sentences. And, the second part should be: "He looked at me. "I need your help."


Other than those few problems, everything was really well-written. I like it a lot, and once you post Part 2, be sure to PM me so I can read and critique it.

<3,
Monki

The first thing I will say is, "Oh my gosh! This is the beginning of a really good book." This is the type of stuff that I like to read. Being honest here, if I were at Borders or Barnes & Noble or wherever and read the first page of this, I would say, "Man, I don't know if I should get this or not." In one instance, I wouldn't want to get it because at the beginning it's about best friends. Not that I have anything against those "best friend" stories, but I, personally, just like the books where you plunge right into the romance as soon as you start reading the first page. But, different people like different things. There's nothing wrong; just giving my opinion. But, I'd probably buy it because the back cover of the book and the illustration on it would probably say a lot about what it's about.

Now, on to the critique:
Oh, by the way, everything that I write will be in bold. All of your words will be in italics. ^ ^

Every Saturday at nine this gets shouted, the five of us stand on whatever roof we happen to be under and shout that to the sky. That’s because every Saturday from six to nine, we’re all seven years old again.

Hm... I'm not sure if you meant to write the first sentence like that or not. Do they really stand on the roof that they're under? For some reason, that just doesn't quite make much sense to me, but I could be wrong. But, the second sentence, I absolutely love. Pure genius I tell you!


“We” meaning myself (Rachel) and my four best friends, Jamie, Darcie, Myra, and Hope. If I had to separate my friends into how much I love them, Darcie would be at the bottom. All the guys I know are in love with her. Now that wouldn’t bug me so much as the fact that she doesn’t do any flirting with them! I know, I’ve asked what her secret is and she’s replied that she didn’t have one at all. So I love her the least out of pure jealousy.

In the first sentence, I don't think you should put the MC's name in parentheses. I think that you should wait until she's speaking to another character. Like, when she's speaking to Josh, have him say her name. For example, "Rachel, we should talk." Or, something like that. Not the best example, but you catch my drift. I like how the MC says that if she had to separate her friends into how much she loves them, Darcie would be at the bottom, just out of spite. Lmao! Again, genius! Now, the third sentence is quite a bit of a problem. It really doesn't make much sense. Re-read it if you would............. Do you see what I mean now? Maybe say, "It wouldn't bother me so much, except for the simple fact that she doesn't even flirt with them! They're just automatically in love with her!"


The best advice I’ve given:

Don’t tell her.

LOVE it! I've actually done this before just out of spite. A guy that I liked came up to me in sixth grade and said, "Hey, how should I tell Sarah that I like her?" Sarah was my best friend and I was SO pissed off (excuse me) that he liked HER and not me. So, I told him, "You shouldn't. She doesn't even like boys." That kind of made her mad at me because everyone thought she was... well, you know.


Don’t you miss the old days? The days when guys still had cooties and liked chasing you around with worms, and when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to “why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?” was because he wanted you to bite it off? Do you miss those days to? I know I do. I miss the days before hormones told us guys were hot or nerds, or whatever else we label guys as.

I think that if you put a comma after the word 'parents' it would flow a lot better. Just a suggestion. And the 'w' in the word 'why' should be capitalized. And after the word 'off', I think it should be a period, not a question mark. In the third sentence, the word 'to' should really be 'too'.


I miss the days before I was hopelessly in love with Josh. Josh was this good for nothing, punk who had a motorcycle. He had only a vague idea I existed. I was the librarian to him. If he had something he needed to find anywhere, I’d be able to tell him.

'Good for nothing' would read much easier if it were 'good-for-nothing'. And you don't need a comma after 'nothing'. You could probably even make it 'good-for-nothing-punk'. In the last sentence, you should probably take out the word 'anywhere'. It would flow easier.


The greatest days are the days when he needs to find something. Today was one of those great days. He needed help finding a better place to eat lunch. My inner core screamed out to tell him with me.

[b]I think you should change the last sentence to something like: "My conscience shouted at me to tell him-just tell him everything!"

The first thing I will say is, "Oh my gosh! This is the beginning of a really good book." This is the type of stuff that I like to read. Being honest here, if I were at Borders or Barnes & Noble or wherever and read the first page of this, I would say, "Man, I don't know if I should get this or not." In one instance, I wouldn't want to get it because at the beginning it's about best friends. Not that I have anything against those "best friend" stories, but I, personally, just like the books where you plunge right into the romance as soon as you start reading the first page. But, different people like different things. There's nothing wrong; just giving my opinion. But, I'd probably buy it because the back cover of the book and the illustration on it would probably say a lot about what it's about.

Now, on to the critique:
Oh, by the way, everything that I write will be in bold. All of your words will be in italics. ^ ^

Every Saturday at nine this gets shouted, the five of us stand on whatever roof we happen to be under and shout that to the sky. That’s because every Saturday from six to nine, we’re all seven years old again.

Hm... I'm not sure if you meant to write the first sentence like that or not. Do they really stand on the roof that they're under? For some reason, that just doesn't quite make much sense to me, but I could be wrong. But, the second sentence, I absolutely love. Pure genius I tell you!


“We” meaning myself (Rachel) and my four best friends, Jamie, Darcie, Myra, and Hope. If I had to separate my friends into how much I love them, Darcie would be at the bottom. All the guys I know are in love with her. Now that wouldn’t bug me so much as the fact that she doesn’t do any flirting with them! I know, I’ve asked what her secret is and she’s replied that she didn’t have one at all. So I love her the least out of pure jealousy.

In the first sentence, I don't think you should put the MC's name in parentheses. I think that you should wait until she's speaking to another character. Like, when she's speaking to Josh, have him say her name. For example, "Rachel, we should talk." Or, something like that. Not the best example, but you catch my drift. I like how the MC says that if she had to separate her friends into how much she loves them, Darcie would be at the bottom, just out of spite. Lmao! Again, genius! Now, the third sentence is quite a bit of a problem. It really doesn't make much sense. Re-read it if you would............. Do you see what I mean now? Maybe say, "It wouldn't bother me so much, except for the simple fact that she doesn't even flirt with them! They're just automatically in love with her!"


The best advice I’ve given:

Don’t tell her.

LOVE it! I've actually done this before just out of spite. A guy that I liked came up to me in sixth grade and said, "Hey, how should I tell Sarah that I like her?" Sarah was my best friend and I was SO pissed off (excuse me) that he liked HER and not me. So, I told him, "You shouldn't. She doesn't even like boys." That kind of made her mad at me because everyone thought she was... well, you know.


Don’t you miss the old days? The days when guys still had cooties and liked chasing you around with worms, and when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to “why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?” was because he wanted you to bite it off? Do you miss those days to? I know I do. I miss the days before hormones told us guys were hot or nerds, or whatever else we label guys as.

I think that if you put a comma after the word 'parents' it would flow a lot better. Just a suggestion. And the 'w' in the word 'why' should be capitalized. And after the word 'off', I think it should be a period, not a question mark. In the third sentence, the word 'to' should really be 'too'.


I miss the days before I was hopelessly in love with Josh. Josh was this good for nothing, punk who had a motorcycle. He had only a vague idea I existed. I was the librarian to him. If he had something he needed to find anywhere, I’d be able to tell him.

'Good for nothing' would read much easier if it were 'good-for-nothing'. And you don't need a comma after 'nothing'. You could probably even make it 'good-for-nothing-punk'. In the last sentence, you should probably take out the word 'anywhere'. It would flow easier.


The greatest days are the days when he needs to find something. Today was one of those great days. He needed help finding a better place to eat lunch. My inner core screamed out to tell him with me.

[b]I think you should change the last sentence to something like: "My conscience shouted at me to tell him-just tell him everything!"

.

I liked it and I didn't thin it was cliche either. Can you pm me when you write the next chapter, becuase i want to be the first to know. *Smiles triumphantly*

Everyone told you how to fix it and jun, so here's the appreciation.

*The drama. Very good
*The best friend guy grabber. It makes everyone want to know how you MC Defeats her.Excellent.
*The pace. Your pace is fast and nice, so it's easy to read while it egs the reader on. These are personally my fav kind of stories. I love it and keep writing.

Descriptions of Josh and your MC. And the "too" part too. Other than that, great story.

Aww...typical girl likes boy but boy likes best friend.

But, it was still really cute.

It really is too short for me to say anything else. You have the MC emotions right and all the other stuff.

I do think you could use some description, however. What does Josh look like? What does the MC look like? What does Darcie look like? What makes her so pretty??

But besides that, it was good. PM me when you post more!

This was okay. Perhaps a bit cliche, with the guy this girl likes falling for someone else she knows. There could be more dialouge, showing who the friends are, instead of your MC kind of describing them. The idea is pretty good, though. It could be interesting.

I thought this was well written. just a few things. You say "to" instead of "too" in the first paragraph. If you want to get something published in the future, your editors will expect you to be able to catch mistakes like this. (they'll be busy checking for errors in plot and character behavior)






Another question:
Why is she so surprised that yet ANOTHER boy asks her about how to get to the queen bee of the social structure?

I thought this was well written. just a few things. You say "to" instead of "too" in the first paragraph. If you want to get something published in the future, your editors will expect you to be able to catch mistakes like this. (they'll be busy checking for errors in plot and character behavior)






Another question:
Why is she so surprised that yet ANOTHER boy asks her about how to get to the queen bee of the social structure?

Funny and fast-paced. (Fast-paced is always good.) Not a whole lot I can say, since this is only the beginning, BUT --

"Girls Rules"

Rule.

"'We' meaning myself (Rachel)"

I wouldn't reveal the MC's name using parentheses; rather, work it into the dialogue -- e.g., "Hey Rachel, how's it going?"

"when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to 'why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?' was because he wanted you to bite it off?"

Good line.

"Do you miss those days to?"

Too.

I'd be sure your dialogue has enough commas -- some lines sound like they're being said breathlessly. Try to insert pauses where people would normally pause.

For instance: "'Josh…I like you okay? If that’s what you wanted to know when you came over here you have it now you can go.'"

Woah, slow down speed racer. Unless she's just spewing this out thoughtlessly and in a hurry, she needs to have some degree of regular speaking rhythm.

How about this? "'Josh... I like you, okay? If that's what you wanted to know when you came over here, you have it now. You can go.'"

Good start, Alice. Keep up the steady clip in future installments and this should turn out great.

Saturday from six to nine, we’re all seven years old again.

“We” meaning myself, (Rachel) and my four best friends, Jamie, Darcie, Myra, and Hope. If I had to separate my friends into how much I love them, Darcie would be at the bottom. All the guys I know are in love with her. Now, that wouldn’t bug me so much as the fact that she doesn’t do any flirting with them! I know, I’ve asked what her secret is and she’s replied that she didn’t have one at all. So I love her the least out of pure jealousy.

Very few guys have ever paid attention to me. They’ve always got their eyes glued to her because she’s so pretty. It’s annoying(;mostly because...). Mostly because they come to me for God knows what reason to get advice on how to tell her (that they like her).

I miss the days before I was hopelessly in love with Josh. Josh was this good for nothing, punk who had a motorcycle.

And oh how I loved when I had to show him where he had to go. I’d ask if he wanted to go the fast or the slow way, he’d always say the slow way.

My inner core screamed out to tell him with me.

We were free to roam the halls if we wished.

...could have a conversation undisturbed for the most part.”

I swallowed hard, oh god. He wanted to talk. That could mean only one of two things. He wanted to get to know me better (which meant he liked me) or he knew I was in love with him and wanted me to lay off.

“There’s the spot behind the vending machine?” I suggested.

He shrugged, “nothing in particular.”

He wasn’t a poker player, so he didn’t bluff and I knew that was the truth. He just wanted to talk! My heart did tap dances in my chest. Very elaborate tap dances too, with ballet leaps and summer salts and back flips cartwheels, you name it my heart was doing it.

We sat there and started talking…sorta. There was more just questioning and responding with single words before another awkward silence appeared. I hated it.

He looked at me, shocked. “I do.”

“We’re not talking!”

“I…” his cheeks started to turn red. He was…[Space here]blushing? I didn’t even know he could blush!

“Josh…I like you, okay? If that’s what you wanted to know when you came over here you have it. [N] now you can go.”

He sighed. “It was…[Space here]but I’m not going anywhere quite yet.” He looked at me, [period, not comma] “I need your help.”

My jaw dropped. “You didn’t just say that, did you?”

He nodded,

[Period]

“I did.”

Your main character is totally relatable, I've been in that situation and know exactly how she feels! It's a total bummer for her and I can't wait to see how she will resolve it. I only caught one grammatical error... please message me once you write the second part. I can't wait!

Great job
- Domenique

(That's actually coming up, I'm going from POV to POV every other part)

that sucks....

it is cliche though, but i have a feeling it could get interesting witha little attention to the plot.

what's it like from darchie's point of view?

Agree with Amber about the backflips and stuff with your heart. COMMAS! I'm seeing a lack of grammar in here. M'dear Alice, that isn't like you! Lack of grammar turns me off. (for lack of a better term)

Also--I hate to say this--I noticed that this is following a plot I'm seeing a LOT today. Which means...

CLICHE! AAAAAAAAAAH!

Make it interesting (add a new twist)...or make it a subplot. Don't make it the only apparent thing in the story, though. Or the ONLY plot. Several plots can make a big climax.

Pretty good. Spelling errors and the darn rest are covered. Don't need to sound like a broken record. I've had enough of those.

Sorry for all the drama in this. I drank too much coffee today.

Thats a story which you generally get to see in school among the teens,it is ofcourse interesting to read.

Even me want to know when is the next coming up?Actually as soons as I saw the topic in the home page I rushed here.lol.

I've got the same questions as ambercoultis that why was their no reply to her saying of "'I like you okay?"?

Don’t you miss the old days? The days when guys still had cooties and liked chasing you around with worms, and when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to “why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?” was because he wanted you to bite it off? Do you miss those days to? I know I do. I miss the days before hormones told us guys were hot or nerds, or whatever else we label guys as.

with ballet leaps and summer salts and back flips cartwheels, you name it my heart was doing it.
- Ay! That has something wrong with it but I'm not sure.... Maybe commas?

This was very interesting. One of those stories you can't wait for what happens.

*Whisper* Hey was Josh just trying to get close to the girl to ask about that?....

And another thing. Why didn't he respond to what she told him. 'I like you okay?' would have dropped a lot of guys mouths at my school. Just because.

Aww man. Major bummer for your MC.
A guy she likes, likes her best friend. (Who she loves the least, but is still her best friend.)
I'd never like to be put in that situation. Never ever. Haha.

Well, let's see...
There are no mistakes as far as I can see. Yup. No mistakes whatsoever. ^^

I can't wait for the next part! PM me when you post it!
I'd love to read it.

Hi.
It is interesting. I would like to read second part too. Please e-mail me, when you submit, ok?
Well, it is so difficult to be on place of your hero. I know girls, which are not as beutiful as their own friends. This is very bad problem for them.
Luckily, I don`t belong to their group. That would be so bad.
I always try to help girls like your hero. I tell them, that there always is one boy, who will love you and not anyone`s beauty. Soon or later, the body`s Beauty will dissapear and only sole beauty stays.
I looking forward to read next part.
Keep going.